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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU with in laws?

52 replies

Flynn2019 · 19/11/2019 21:19

Hi everyone, I am a new poster and looking for some advice before actually sending my self into a dark hole with the guilt of being a terrible person.

I have an 8 month old little boy who has seem his grandparents (in-laws) every week since he was 2 weeks old. When he was born I was breastfeeding, which I found extremely tough in the beginning and it took around 3 weeks for it to be comfortable. When my LB was around 2 weeks old my MIL kept going on about how she hasn't bonded with the baby and how she wanted time with him alone with us not there. At the time I didn't want this. The thought of leaving my little bundle was terrifying and not something I was comfortable with and was such a hassle to pump breastmilk for her to give him while I wasn't there and then for me to pump while he was away, but I felt pressure from my DH to do it as he was encouraging us to go out for dinner etc. When trying to explain to my MIL that her having him with me not there was a hassle because of BF she responded with 'I should pack in breastfeeding', this absolutely infuriated me at the time and still does. This then became a habit and MIL automatically was getting my son every Saturday afternoon. Tbh I am fine with her taking him for a few hours on a Saturday as through time I became ready to leave him.

Caveat: my DH and I r both very fussy people, we know this, and want our son raised a certain way.

Today I went to drop off my son at my in-laws for a few hours while I done a KIT day at work. When I got there I asked MIL to limit my sons time in front of the TV. This was followed by her rolling her eyes, to which I said my husband wanted the same. She then reacted by saying 'I will do what I want'. I was absolutely shocked and responded telling her how anxious that made me feel. She then responded by turning on the waterworks and saying how much this is upsetting her (upsetting her? Shouldn't I b upset at her overriding a request for MY son?) this then escalated into a bit of an argument with her bringing up how we have too many rules and also bringing up comments I have made in the past (which were not malicious but it appears she is using that as an excuse)

I had to leave their house to go to work and followed up with a text message saying I didn't want to upset anyone or argue but we have certain rules that we would like followed (the other rule being that their dog isn't allowed to lick or go near my sons face) I received back a real snarky response and then went to collect my son after work. Then my FIL tried to say how they have raised 2 children and I should trust them to look after my child, pretty much that they r going to ignore the rules that we would like in place.

There have been a few other times they have went against what I have asked but they don't really seem to care. And MIL makes out she is the victim in all of this. To top it off my parents acknowledge and follow the rules without a peep.

AIBU with how I am feeling? I am honestly starting to feel like I am the wrong one and I am being forced to bring up my child in a different way than I had hoped because of pressure from my in laws.

OP posts:

Pixxie7 · 20/11/2019 04:04

We all start out with good intentions with our kids but most of us fail as they get older.
Although I respect the fact that he is your baby, he is also part of the family.
There will be times when you will be grateful for their help. Pick your battles carefully.

Derbee · 20/11/2019 04:08

I think it’s unreasonable to have them looking after DS 2.5 days a week, and insisting on sticking to your rigid rules as you say you are fussy.

You’re entitled to feel like that, but you need to find a nursery that fits with the way you raise DS and pay for childcare

IWantADifferentName · 20/11/2019 05:26

Fuck, they sound awful.

Stop the Saturday visits.
Do not use them for childcare.
Start looking at nurseries now.

They have made it very clear through their behaviour that they don’t give a shit about your ‘rules’ and they will do whatever the hell they want with your son. They are not going to change.

So, if it is important to you that dogs stay away from your child’s face (entirely reasonable!), screen time is limited etc then you need to find alternative childcare for when you go back to work. You clearly cannot depend on them.

If your DS is in professional childcare, he will spend less time with the grandparents and therefore there will be less opportunity for them to fuck up or for you to get pissed off with them. That is a small step closer to happy families.

Esspee · 20/11/2019 10:48

I would be limiting visits to when either you or your husband were there and booking a nursery place.

Spudina · 20/11/2019 10:57

You need to pay for childcare. You are not getting a long with your in-laws on the issue of how they look after your child. You are never going to agree. You are just going to spend the next few years locked in a battle of wills. Just pay for the care you want. Guaranteed no TVs or dogs. (And your DH needs to step up too.) Leave the contact to him and have a break.

TreacherousPissFlap · 20/11/2019 11:05

Your rules are great for you, but surely the good bit of being a GP is spoiling your DGC and allowing them to do or have things they wouldn't normally be allowed.

I get that it frustrates you but you need to either get over it, or stop leaving your child with them.

Original poster

Flynn2019 · 20/11/2019 11:59

Hello, thank you for your response. I agree that grand parents should spoil them but surely jeopardising their safety with the dog isn't doing that. Neither is letting them watch TV all day. To me spoiling them would be them wanting to spend quality time playing with him and not rotting his brain with too much TV. I did only ask for this to b limited and not banned.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 20/11/2019 12:02

I think you need to start looking for nurseries urgently as it can take some time! I wouldn’t leave my baby with them. That is just reasonable consequences for saying they will ignore your rules.

Confusedbeetle · 20/11/2019 12:02

Do not rely of free childcare with someone who has different ideas from you. It will end in tears. Pay for your own childcare

Whoops75 · 20/11/2019 12:02

Pay for childcare and let the grandparents have him their way* for less time.

*except the dog

Piffle11 · 20/11/2019 12:06

You need to make alternative arrangements, as this situation will only get worse. I had something similar with my ILs when DS1 was young: MIL's (2nd) DH basically told me that 'we will do what we want: we can feed him full of sugar and send him back to you bouncing off the walls, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it'. They were giving him KitKats to suck on at 4 months old. They would put him down for his daily nap at 4pm, because it 'suits us better that way' ... he would be awake til after 11:30am. As you can imagine, they weren't allowed to have him anymore. I'm the big bad bitch who kept their DGS away from them, apparently. We no longer talk: now the DC are older they are no longer interested. It's bliss.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/11/2019 12:10

No unsupervised contact. I’m deeply suspicious of anyone who demands alone time with a baby to bond. And no one who flagrantly disrespects my rules gets access to my baby.

You need to have a serious conversation with your husband. You agreed to have a child and parent with him, not your inlaws and there’s no point the two of you having a shared approach to parenting your child if he buckles when they disagree. Your KIT day must have been incredibly stressful. After that I’d stop all their contact with him outside of your home. You can’t trust them.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 20/11/2019 12:27

I'm a bit bemused why you asked for them to limit screen time for an 8 month old??That's surely not an issue for way down the line.

Your disagreement seemed to consist of her turning on the waterworks. You proclaiming she was upsetting your anxiety and then some messages via text. Sounds like you both need a grown up discussion about childcare.

tillytrotter1 · 20/11/2019 19:42

If you want their unpaid baby-sitting then you have to be a bit less rigid. We always followed our children's instructions regarding their children re bedtimes, food, TV etc, especially when they were babies and very small but now they're older there is an element of 'what happens at grandma's stays at grandma's', without their realising that their parents know all about it!

WeirdAndScary · 20/11/2019 19:58

My DD is looked after by my MIL one and a half days a week (I work shifts). I absolutely hate it and can honestly say it has ruined what limited relationship we had. If I could turn back time then I would absolutely pay for her to go into full time childcare with a trusted and reliable woman who doesn't think that my DDs routine and rules are there because her mother is being awkward.

TriciaH87 · 20/11/2019 20:04

You tell them firmly they raised their children their way. Your child will be raised your way by your rules and if they do not like it they will no longer have YOUR child unsupervised.

mummyofrb · 20/11/2019 20:12

Not unreasonable at all! I BF my 10 month old and I get eye rolls from MIL. She is a completely irresponsible and untrustworthy person so I would never leave my child with her. But I know how you feel issues with MIL is hard bc they often cause issues in your relationship. Rise above and don't give in to her demands! Your baby your rules! Also the dog thing is completely out of order!! I am living proof (28 stitches later) that 'family dogs' are NEVER to be trusted!!!!

mummyofrb · 20/11/2019 20:13

I've also had eye rolls when I've asked for dog to be removed from room even though I've been attacked^

GreenTulips · 20/11/2019 20:13

Why are you allowing DS to be used in those at? Part of being a parent is being able to stand up for their interests until they can speak up bc or themselves. It gets tougher when they go to school!

Start now. Stop unsupervised access and look at nurseries. Otherwise you’ll send your working day worried

MadeForThis · 20/11/2019 20:17

They're not really binding when the baby is plonked in front of a tv all day.

MIL has made a power play and you need to respond. This will set the tone for your future relationship.

Call her bluff. Tell her that if she's not happy with your style of parenting then you will use a nursery. She is obviously welcome to visit.

She's been the parent. Now it's your time. Your rules.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 20/11/2019 20:29

Nip this in the bud. Now.

If they get their own way now you’ve got this for the next ten/fifteen years.

They will not get any better.

Nanny0gg · 20/11/2019 20:36

@mumofivy

All MIL get funny about breastfeed from my experience, i'm currently pregnant with my first and MiL has said it's not fair for me to breastfeed as she won't be able to feed the baby when she's first born. Strange, i think it's because they want to do it all again like the did with their own child

Yes, because none of us ever breastfed our babies...

OP, you DH needs to have a word with her. See if she ignores him.

Whiteroverbaby · 20/11/2019 20:44

Your child your rules. I haven't left my son with my in laws once and he has just turned 2. They come round on a set day at a set time (which they pick) and that's just the way it is.

cacklingmags · 20/11/2019 21:02

Bloody hell - she wants alone time to bond with your baby - I would have had a conniption fit. Wrong, disrespectful. bullying and nasty. I would not leave my child with her. Tell your DH to sort himself out pronto. He should have your back all the way and not be intimidated by his mum. Invite them to yours to visit the baby and pay for child care, it will save you getting palpitations. Let this woman have her way and she will take years off your life expectancy.

GunpowderGelatine · 20/11/2019 21:11

I understand how frustrating it is when grandparents flout rules. However I'm going to say to you what I say to most people who seemingly don't trust older people to loon after children - with the best will in the world, they are by far and large much more experienced than you with children. They're not some fuckwits who've only ever raised a hamster, it's a bit insulting to spell out how to look after a baby to people who've been through every stage. We've all done it though - I remember leaving MIL a double sided A4 piece of paper with instructions on how to look after my DD who has six months at the time luckily she smiled sweetly and pretended she actually read it later 🤣

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