To say no to another chance...

[sandybeaches74]

Apologies in advance for long post...

My H and I separated 18 months ago. We had been married for 3 years and together for 9. Over the course of our relationship, from the get go, he has been a emotionally abusive, unkind and generally very difficult to deal with. He struggles with depression and anxiety on top of this. Without going into years worth of detail we have had some amazing times and some horrendously awful times, our life was like an emotional rollercoaster that he was always in charge of.

Throughout our time together he has always made me feel crazy for accusing him of these things, he'd give me the silent treatment and blame every single problem we have had on me. There are too many situations and scenarios to go into but safe to say, he made my life an absolute misery at times.

So over the last 18 months during our separation there has been one thing after another and I have tried to repair things over and over again. Every effort I made (despite them being not mine to make and totally misguided) has been rejected by him. He has started the divorce process, he has completely checked out of our life and moved out to another city at the end of last year.

He has self acknowledged that he has been seeing someone else and has taken her on a family holiday - with his family ! Plus the other night he sent me pictures of her and him together.

I have very slowly been repairing my own mental health and looking after my kids (DS 9 and DD 3). More recently I spent a couple of nights with a guy and I felt happy again for the first time in a long time.

Fast forward to today when H has completely changed his mind, decided he wants me back, been bombarding me with flowers, lovely messages and offers of amazing times together - to get back everything we had. He says he acknowledges all of his failures and shortcomings and that he now realises that the way he has treated me and the children is totally unacceptable.

I feel totally numb. It's taken me a long time but I had started to move on in my head, I'd made peace with the fact that life was going to be different and everything I had hoped for was going to change.

I don't feel like I want to go back but he is begging me. He's left divorce papers that he has signed in my house for me to post and said that he will do anything for us to try again.

I really don't know what to do. Do men like this every really change...?

Thing is....what is to stop him changing his mind again? You let him back in and flakes again. After 18 months i would carry on the divorce.

Hell no would I give that jerk another chance

He showed his true colours. You were starting to feel better and managing by yourself - he clearly felt his control over you slipping away. By all means keep as much of a good relationship for the kid’s sake, but no, I would be very weary of this sudden turnaround.

Leave the bastard.

Do not go back. You've had a lucky escape.

He doesnt want you getting stronger. Firm no chance

Short answer..no! you were moving on mentally..dnt go back square one..his previous behaviour will re-appear at some point.

Do not give this man another chance!

It sounds like he was given plenty within the marriage.

It is just another attempt at manipulating and controlling you.

What a coincidence: you start to move on......and suddenly he's begging to try again. Look at the timing. Is there a chance he found out you were seeing someone else? Is it jealousy and possessiveness on his part? Sudden epiphany and love bombing just as you move on - not a coincidence!! Less than a week after taunting you with photos of his new woman?

He treated you like shit for years, and now suddenly has a realisation that he was shit? Bollocks. He felt you moving on and can't stand the lose of power. He's manipulating you into feeling guilty with begging and promises.

Fuck the begging. Fuck the manipulation. Fuck the trying to guilt you. One day of promises means fuck all after years of abuse.

Tell him no and i bet he reverts back to type!

I wouldn't give him another chance. It sounds like your time together has been very unsettled.

I was with my exh 10 years. He was physically and emotionally abusive and eventually after another blazing row he walked out and I didn't let him back in.

He told me it was over and he was done with me.

I didn't hear from him for 6 months. Not even him seeing our dd.

Then he decided he'd had enough of playing the single lad about town and living with his parents and started his 'wooing' of me!

I was sorely tempted as my self esteem was at an all time low and he sounded so sincere.

But I then remembered all the bad times and couldn't keep putting my daughter through that.

Fast forward 2 years and I am in a new relationship with a man who is patient, kind and adores me and my daughter and happier than I've ever been.

No, he wont change.
Sign & post the divorce papers.
Carry on moving forward in you life without him.

Come on OP, you can do much, much better for yourself and your DC.

I think you’ll find there is a reason for his change of thought.

Has he been attending counselling or on an anger management programme or anything? That could have made him see things differently, especially if backed up by prescribed medication to stabilise him.
I’m imagining he probably hasn’t but I could be wrong. Benefit of the doubt and all that.

Or is it because the other woman has seen him for the unstable person he is and has dumped him? She wouldn’t take his shit.
Or because, as another poster says , he’s not coping with you being ok alone and no longer under his control?

If it’s the first reason it could be worth considering. If one of the other two, which I’m inclined to think it will be, bugger that.

Ime they don't change and if you are foolish enough to get back together with him it won't be long before you're experiencing more of his unreasonable behaviour.

SIgn the papers, get them posted asap and tell him that, as he had his chances and blew every one, your always share a post but you don't have a future together.

I wonder what's bought about his change of heart? New woman has blown him out, or he's got wind of your new man and wants to wreck whatever you've got going with him?

Onwards and upwards and don't look down - or back, OP.

So he has been emotionally abusive for 9 years, consistently, and has overnight changed his entire mindset and behaviour and will act like a completely different person going forward? I think science is some way behind personality transplant technology at the moment so this seems extremely unlikely

He has been dumped and is panicking about being single

Walk away, walk on and realise how great your life will be without him

He’s been screwing another woman, sends you pictures of them together (presumably to make you jealous) and has now decided he wants you back? So he can carry on abusing you? And controlling you? Because he sees his control of you slipping away now that you’ve finally realised that you had a lucky escape? Jesus, OP, the hills are that way? >

To get back everything you had would be awful surely? An emotionally abusive rollercoaster relationship with a man who very obviously gave no fucks about you as recently as two days ago?

Why the fuck would you let yourself be dragged back in? More importantly: you have children you should protect from going through all this again.

Why has he changed his mind now?
I'm not going to say what I think as I believe you already know the answer.
But, I will say please don't let him hurt you again - you deserve a man who will cherish you - at all times.

Just keep re-reading the first half of your post, up until the bit where he sent you a photo of him and another woman together to remind yourself of what he is capable of doing.

Tell him no and walk away with your head high knowing you are free to find someone who wouldn't even dream of treating another person like that.

His behaviour is not normal. My DP suffers with depression and anxiety sometimes but is the kindest sweetest person who always puts me first even if it puts him out. So dont be fooled with that as an excuse.

You're all confirming what I know in my heart...

It makes me so angry that despite him leaving, moving away, seeing someone else, rejecting any attempt I made to resolve things, initiating a divorce... he's still left it to me to put the final nail in the coffin and post the confirmation papers. As a parting shot it really sums the whole thing up.

I feel totally numb at his behaviour. I don't think anyone could have hurt me anymore

He can't seriously expect you to accept that after ONE day of him changing his mind? Too late mate!

Seems pretty likely that he sent the photos of him and this new woman to hurt you, only to find it hurt him more that you didn't get really upset by it and beg him to come back. Cue the turn around. He wants to know he can click his fingers and get tot back.

You don't feel like you want to go back? Well then, don't. There's no moral obligation on you to lay yourself open to more of the same old head wrecking. I don't know him of course, but someone who can treat you so badly for 9 years is very unlikely to suddenly see the light and turn into the sort of person who doesn't behave like that. Would you ever rest easy knowing he could flip back to the abusive ways at any time?

No... that's a very good point. I would never rest easy and I would never trust him to react calmly in any kind of situation. It's just not in his nature