To say no to another chance...

[sandybeaches74]

Apologies in advance for long post...

My H and I separated 18 months ago. We had been married for 3 years and together for 9. Over the course of our relationship, from the get go, he has been a emotionally abusive, unkind and generally very difficult to deal with. He struggles with depression and anxiety on top of this. Without going into years worth of detail we have had some amazing times and some horrendously awful times, our life was like an emotional rollercoaster that he was always in charge of.

Throughout our time together he has always made me feel crazy for accusing him of these things, he'd give me the silent treatment and blame every single problem we have had on me. There are too many situations and scenarios to go into but safe to say, he made my life an absolute misery at times.

So over the last 18 months during our separation there has been one thing after another and I have tried to repair things over and over again. Every effort I made (despite them being not mine to make and totally misguided) has been rejected by him. He has started the divorce process, he has completely checked out of our life and moved out to another city at the end of last year.

He has self acknowledged that he has been seeing someone else and has taken her on a family holiday - with his family ! Plus the other night he sent me pictures of her and him together.

I have very slowly been repairing my own mental health and looking after my kids (DS 9 and DD 3). More recently I spent a couple of nights with a guy and I felt happy again for the first time in a long time.

Fast forward to today when H has completely changed his mind, decided he wants me back, been bombarding me with flowers, lovely messages and offers of amazing times together - to get back everything we had. He says he acknowledges all of his failures and shortcomings and that he now realises that the way he has treated me and the children is totally unacceptable.

I feel totally numb. It's taken me a long time but I had started to move on in my head, I'd made peace with the fact that life was going to be different and everything I had hoped for was going to change.

I don't feel like I want to go back but he is begging me. He's left divorce papers that he has signed in my house for me to post and said that he will do anything for us to try again.

I really don't know what to do. Do men like this every really change...?

Get those papers in the post as soon as possible

He's given you a gift by leaving the papers with you. Get them in the fucking post and rejoice! There's your closure.

You have done the right thing moving on from this awful and unpredictable existence, please don’t look back

He’s spent 18 months showing you he hasn’t changed and there is literally nothing to suggest he has. Stay strong and don’t let him get to you

Thanks for all the advice

I hope he spends his years wishing he'd treated you better and regretting his behaviour and decisions.

You mentioned in your post that you'd started to feel happy for the first time in a long time. I hope you continue feeling this way and that eventually it turns out to be the best thing that could've happened.

He's obviously trying to mess with your head now that you've found happiness without him. It's hard, but try not to let him.

Post the signed divorce papers to your solicitor and never look back

He only wants you again because you've started to move on and have started another relationship. I'd bet my bottom dollar as soon as he'd hooked you back, it would be back to square one regarding his behaviour.

So, you're feeling angry.
That's a good thing as he's treated you really badly.
Use it now to follow through and carry on with your plans.
Don't let him drag you backwards.

Don't.

You feel obligated to. That is a bad reason.

What you should do is de-programme so that you no longer feel you owe it to him to give him a second chance.

he's still left it to me to put the final nail in the coffin and post the confirmation papers. As a parting shot it really sums the whole thing up.

I'd rather look at it as you get to make the final decision and stick the two fingers up to him. He inadvertently handed you the power.

He really believes you wont do it. Show him despite how much he put you down he didnt beat you. Post the forms and finally start to enjoy your life

What a coincidence: you start to move on......and suddenly he's begging to try again. Look at the timing. Is there a chance he found out you were seeing someone else? Is it jealousy and possessiveness on his part? Sudden epiphany and love bombing just as you move on - not a coincidence!! Less than a week after taunting you with photos of his new woman?

This, absolutely this!

watch these clips about hoovering OP

Whether he's got wind of your new man or not, you haven't reacted to his provocation in the way he wanted. He can tell you're slipping away from his control, hence the lovebombing.

I think you should sign those papers and send them off. Don't fall for his antics.

Hell to the no!
He's realised the grass isn't greener on the other side.

You've realised it is. Go and enjoy your green grass in the comfort of knowing that leaving you and treating you badly will likely be his life's biggest mistake.

He's been in control of everything....

Till now... now it's your turn!!!!

Send the papers, take control, and carry on moving forward :)

Spend some more nights with new nice man!!

" our life was like an emotional rollercoaster that he was always in charge of."

"He's left divorce papers that he has signed in my house for me to post and said that he will do anything for us to try again."

"It makes me so angry that despite him leaving, moving away, seeing someone else, rejecting any attempt I made to resolve things, initiating a divorce... he's still left it to me to put the final nail in the coffin and post the confirmation papers. As a parting shot it really sums the whole thing up."

What a wanker! He's so sure that you won't post them., he still thinks he's in charge.

Just post them. Do it. Hammer that nail in. Take charge. And never, ever consider giving him a second chance.

Not only did he treat you badly...he felt the need to show you photos of him and his new GF. Why?

Why rub salt in the wound and grind you down even more. Only a wicked person would do this.

Or a person who has to put others down to make themselves feel better.

He initiated the divorce. He signed the papers...do not see this as you being the bad bad guy.

Just ask yourself if this is the kind of man you'd want your DD to be with in the future.

I'd decline his offer and bite my tongue on the millions of things I could say to him, In the best interest of your DC..for a civil coparenting relationship.

And you know what? Even if he has somehow genuinely changed...you don't owe him another chance and you're entitled to say too little, too late.

It's great that he finally recognises his faults...so you know you haven't lost the plot...but leave it there.

True about the photos of new GF. So unnecessarily hurtful. I agree with SandY2k, you owe him nothing, if you go back to him, this will be just a huge huge loop in the rollercoaster, that he was (still) in control of.

Run! We are all unanimous!

Do not give him/the marriage another chance, I don't know you but from all you have said I would think it a safe bet to say you will regret it if you take him back.

Think of yourself and your children, build a new life, he quickly forgot about you when he was taking the new woman on holiday, he sounds fickle and unreliable.

Either OW's dumped him or he sees you've moved on & is jealous. He'll go back to his default pattern of behaviour once you take him back. Every person has default behavioural patterns set in childhood. Sadly, those who have toxic ones won't change unless they're self aware enough to realise it & want to address it. Emotional abusers are like DV abusers, they often use tears, gifts, big romantic gestures & I'm sorry i'll change on a loop every time, to sucker you back in.

Post those papers. Take a photo of yourself posting them if he asks for your answer on taking him back, send it.
But seriously..Post them.

Please don't go backwards. You've made the break and were starting to feel happy. You're doing the right thing for you and your children.

He has either found out about you moving on and/or his gf is having second thoughts and he knows it. Always believe someone’s actions not their words. He has been sending you photos of them together only a few weeks ago...now he wants you back!

So you take him back then the following week he leaves again. You would be walking on egg shells for the rest of your life. No OP you are in control of your own life now. Don’t see this as a bad thing, see it as you finally get to make the decision for you and your life.

Go be happy. Life is too short.

Come on, give your head a wobble!