Husband shouting and kicking things

[Ghostoast]

So basically, I'm having a massive rough patch with my husband.

If we disagree on anything, unless I back down he shouts, swears and will kick things or slam things. All in ear shot of our kids. He says I am gas lighting and goading him into doing this, I feel that we should be able to have a disagreement without me being scared this will happen but he says I know what I'm doing and say the right things to wind him up, wtf do I do?

Take the kids and stay elsewhere for the night. Tell him you won't put up with that behaviour.

And I'm sorry you're going through this

Call the Police because he's scaring you and the children.

Especially as he's claiming you're making him do it.

You leave, or you tell him to leave.
How long will it be until he punches or kicks you? Or one of the children?
Please seek legal advice.

That’s a form of domestic violence.

He’s frightening you into giving into him and letting him win any arguments.

He’s also blaming you for his outbursts.

I used to work in family law, with a lot of clients who’d fled abusive relationships. Honestly once the kicking things/punching walls/blaming you starts, it tends to escalate.

Honestly? I’d leave.

Do you have somewhere safe to go? Sorry to say it but often trying to leave is what tips men like this over the edge. Can somebody come get you and the kids/can you get out quickly?

Well clearly that reaction isn't ok. But why is he saying you're goading him and gaslighting him?

He is kicking and slamming so you and the children understand it will be your head being kicked and slammed soon if you are not 100% compliant, which is of course why you choose to back down instead of standing firm.

You should take your children and go, not only is he abusing you, he is also making them scared no doubt.

I am worried because he says I am emotionally abusing him into losing his temper.

It's literally any argument, he's saying I don't drop things and wind him up. I actually don't know what he's on about.

Oh dear OP, you are not emotionally abusing him but he is abusing you. Call women's aid, go to family or friends and start the process of leaving. Do you own or rent your home?

He is blaming you for something he is physically doing. Really think about that OP. He sounds about eight years old. Get out and stay out. It will get worse if you don't.

We rent. I just gave my job up because he had a mental health crisis and I felt being a stay at home dad was getting too much for him, now I'm worrying I've done the wrong thing. I had a good career.

You are doing some wrong thinking.

I feel that we should be able to have a disagreement without me being scared this will happen
Yes, that would be a normal relationship. His behaviour is insane. You are right about what a normal relationship should be like.

but
What could possibly be a but on this? Wrong thinking.

he says I know what I'm doing and say the right things to wind him up
He says his choice to be violent is actually your choice. Riiiiight. I believe this is the mantra of every abusive man ever She made me strangle her. She knows it winds me up if my carrots aren't orange enough.

wtf do I do?
Stop listening to his crap excuses for his choices. Stop at the word but because it is followed by all his nonsense excuses. Especially ignore any excuses that involve you being responsible for what he does.

Above all, leave this abusive dickhead.

How do you get your career back?

What does he do now? Is he back at work now he is not a SAHD?

I insisted my ex hisband left after this sort of thing descended further and created an awful living environment for everyone. Start making copies of all financial info, find the marriage certificate. You could try some sort of therapy but if he's looking to lie and blame he's already checked out in terms of being responsible in the relationship. Sorry that you and your children are experiencing this. It's awful

This is often a precursor to domestic violence, especially blaming you for goading him into it. Keep yourself and the kids safe.

Actually I wouldn't go back to work and risk him having the children if you separated.

You are right to be worrying about it all. He is behaving exactly like an abusive man. Exactly.

What was this mental health crisis that required you to give up your job?

Whose name is the house rented under? Who pays the rent?

Classic abuser tactic OP.

"She asked for it"
"She pushed my buttons"

Get yourself - and most importantly your children - far away from the cunt. He will hurt you. He will probably hurt your children.

Call Womens Aid NOW and get to safety.

We pay out of a joint account, my wages go into there. I'm currently doing my notice period. He kept doing weird things like falling asleep looking after the toddlers leaving them unsafe, self harming said he was depressed. Lots of behaviour that I didn't like but it was "caused by depression" and I gave everything up to fix our situation but it's got worse. He's on anti depressants, he doesn't feel they're working so the dose keeps increasing but I think he tells himself these issues between us are because of depression lwhereas I don't agree.

How will you pay the rent after you stop working?

I think you should see if you can withdraw your notice.

I also think he is telling you that you are misbehaving when it's actually him. That's where the gaslighting comes in.