Husband shouting and kicking things

[Ghostoast]

So basically, I'm having a massive rough patch with my husband.

If we disagree on anything, unless I back down he shouts, swears and will kick things or slam things. All in ear shot of our kids. He says I am gas lighting and goading him into doing this, I feel that we should be able to have a disagreement without me being scared this will happen but he says I know what I'm doing and say the right things to wind him up, wtf do I do?

I gave everything up to fix our situation You cannot fix his behaviour. Surely it isn't given up yet though is it? Get a childminder. Get a new place to live (without him). Tell work your personal situation has changed and you would like to stay please.

It may be the case that he has developed a mental illness which, with proper treatment, could be brought under control. But it's more likely he's always been a shit and something has made him decide that he is entitled to bully and abuse you and the DC.
You need to get him out of the house. Talk to Women's Aid, your local council and the police DV unit: explain that he is displaying aggressive, abusive behaviour in front of the DC and you are concerned for your safety and theirs.

Because this will escalate to physical assault. Probably he will start by hurting you, but men like this will often progress to hurting the children if the children are big enough to disagree or disobey - or if the woman refuses to back down even after being hurt herself.

When did this "poor troubled man" stuff start? In pregnancy? When your toddlers were born? Before even that?

Bollocks to that.

Police. If he's mentally ill, they can get him assessed (and out of your home).

If he's not, they can get him out of your home and into a cosy cell where his mental issues can be assessed.

You try and get your job back - be honest that you were coerced into it by a violent man.

You keep yourself safe.

Oh, and set up an online bank account in your sole name tonight.

It was after the last 2 were born he says, but he didn't tell me till he got caught gambling when I was working.

You and your kids are not safe with this man. Get him out and change the locks.

What reasons would you have for not leaving asap?

Does he work?

Can you cancel your notice? If your employer likes you, they may let you cancel it and stay on.

Do you have childcare if you leave him?

Call women’s aid for advice.

Having been in a similar situation (but without children) I can honestly say that he will NOT change, and you won't be able to fix him. No amount of love, care or letting things blow over will stop him from behaving like this next time he doesn't get his way.
Please, as others have said - call women's aid. It was a year between my first call and me managing to get him out - and I had typed my number into my phone years before that multiple times but couldn't bring myself to leave a message. They made me feel so validated - at times I thought I was losing my sanity.
This behaviour will be having a huge, huge, huge impact on your children's attachment style and development of their brain and emotional regulation systems. You must be strong and leave before the cycle becomes imprinted on them.
It's not okay. You'll be changed forever either way (staying or going) but it will get worse - can you tolerate living like this for the rest of your life?
Take care.

it depends if you believe people can change ???
Firstly I think the impact on the children is your primary concern and perhaps you have to put that factor before your and his feelings? What is best for them?
Secondly. I understand #ladyface69 and would be interested to know if you think it's possible to change behaviours when pointed out calmly and rationally. There is no point raising the issue when you are already emotional. Ladyface you have experience of a man who wouldn't change, do you think that is the case for all men/people??

Can people hear hard truths and decide to change? Perhaps some kind of anger management can work, do you love him enough to try and help him see a better way to express himself. It's a big decision to leave the children without a father int heir lives?
Ive divorced a long time ago due to drinking that I couldn't change and nor could he, I haven't tried to replace him I'm quite happy on my own now, also no children involved so I can only guess at how hard your decision is.

He says I am gas lighting and goading him into doing this

How interesting that he raises the concept of gaslighting - all while telling you how YOU are responsible for HIS shouting & kicking ...

I am worried because he says I am emotionally abusing him into losing his temper.

You are right to be worried OP.
It is VERY worrying when a supposed adult is incapable of keeping their temper, & blames a 3rd party for the fact that they are out of order.

The whole caboodle - getting annoyed, acting out with shouting & kicking, & shutting you down for fear of more of the same, is highly manipulative & controlling.

Basically what he is doing is training you to keep quiet, act only on his opinion, & to back off whenever he shows his foul temper.

This is no way to live my dear - for you AND your children.
He either acknowledges he needs help with anger management & stops blaming you for his own shortcoming, or you should take steps to remove yourself & the kids from his orbit.

Speak to your bosses and get your job back!

You cannot trust or rely on him. He WILL escalate and then you will be left vulnerable.

Dont wait and see. Secure your financial independence now so you can leave/toss him out of this continues.

Call Police next time too so there is a paper trail and speak to Womans Aid because he is 100% abusing you.