To not contribute to child care costs (separated)

[justbeingadad]

Wife and I are getting divorced, two children, 3 nearly 4 (15 hours free nursery + a 3 paid afternoons) and 7yo (yr2).

My stbxw doesn't have a significant income. Maybe £200/month.

We still live together but she's moving out in December.

We've agreed finances and she'll be receiving £1800/month from me in form of child maintenance and spousal maintenance. She's also getting about £100k cash from house and savings. (I'm remortgaging the house and staying there and will have under 10k cash).

This has all been (in formally) agreed for months, just waiting for solicitors.

Today she told me she expected me to contribute to children's activities and additional hours nursery fees for our 3 year old.

AIBU to think that £1800/month should cover all the costs? She doesn't want me to have the children more than 2 nights a week so it doesn't affect her CM payments (although she's getting about 40% more than I need to pay + spousal maintenance).

For reference, 1800/month is about 40% of my take home.

Help!

Just tell her you’re not paying and that you can go down the official route if preferred - she will probably crap herself

Tell her that's what the £1800 covers - if she doesn't like it then have her talk to cms - she'll realise she's pretty lucky!

Yanbu...why are you paying her so much?
Just tell her you're not paying it as that is what the CM is for and yea if she don't like it tell her you can go through CSA if she'd prefer

She’s a greedy person isn’t she 😳

Your offer is more than generous and you’re clearly a good parent wanting to pay more than the minimum but she’s just being a cf

Tell her to go down the CMS route if she prefers.

£1800 a month! YADNBU. That should definitely cover the costs for extra activities and nursery fees. Honestly she’s lucky to be getting that much. Like PPs have said, there’s not really anything she can do to make you cough up anymore, so just tell her you’re not paying any extra!

How much does the childcare cost, if she only earns a couple of hundred pounds a month she can’t be working many hours?

Im assuming your stbx works? Her income is very low, does she only work part time?
How much equity is there currently in the home?
Why have you agreed to only have the dc for 2 nights? The reason given, that it will reduce her cm if you have them more, stinks!
When you put all the details into the online calculator, what does it say you should pay?
How long will you be paying her spousal maintenance?

Her child and spousal maintenance is the equivalent of a £28k full time job! Tell her to get herself to fuck.

She's doing well! How long is she getting spousal maintenance for?

I'm not sure why you're paying it at all if £1,800 is 40% of your take home pay.

Why are you paying spousal maintenance, at what point will it stop..?

Did she give up or not take career opportunities which you agreed to? (I.e. was the decision for her lack of earnings mutually agreed, is that why you're subbing her now?)

Previous posters are right, 1800 net a month is like she'll be in a 28 k a year job except she doesn't work for it. You must be a very high earner to be able to support that?

Sorry but there isn’t a chance in hell’s fire would I be giving her all that.
The house money, sure, that’s fair enough.
But spousal maintenance? Nope.
Tell her that you’ll be using the online calculator and going via the CMS. Or tell her you want a 50:50 custody arrangement.

Spousal maintenance is based on her being essentially a SAHM for 7 years. And it'll reduce to 200/mont after 2 years and then 0 after a further 8 years, leaving just the child maintenance.

I don't object to the 1800/month. I object to her wanting more on top.

How much do you earn?

How much will she get per month when the spousal maintenance stops?

How often will you have the dcs?

What could she possibly be spending the money on already to need anything more?! You've been more than reasonable.

If your kids were going without then I'd agree with her, but it sounds like she wants more to subsidise a lavish lifestyle rather than to pay for essentials (which is what I'd class nursery and the children's activities as).

How is she going to house herself?

Will there be a big drop in lifestyle for the children?

I don't like to take the man's side without hard evidence and the story from all sides.

But if that is genuinely 40% of your take home pay, that's generous and also technically CM is meant to go towards any costs associated with the child(ren).

I was lucky when I got a fiver a week from the ex, who owns several properties, had savings, investments, a reasonable job, second decent income from very quickly acquired spouse, 1m of inheritance and very few outgoings. He went down the self employed route as fast as he could.

I would stick to what you've agreed, or insist on going through court to settle it. I don't agree in taking money from a resident parent, particularly when he or she gave up their career for the kids. But in this particular case, if the details are correct, I'd stick or court.

Also, where in the country do you live and if in the south east, would you be happy for her to relocate somewhere that will give a much more comfortable lifestyle?

If your take home pay is around £4,500, then assuming you are paying into a pension, you are on between £85-90k.

The spousal maintenance is for 2 years to reflect that shes taken a hit on working to be a SAHM, and now has to start again.

What will she get when those 2 years are up?

Why not ask for 50/50 access. It sounds like you'd be happy to and she is using child care anyway despite obviously working very low hours.

Usually I’d say YABU to not contribute to childcare if you’re benefitting from it but you’re already giving her £1800 so, yes that should definitely cover everything for the children. Why does she need so much childcare if she isn’t working g anyway?

To be fair I think it depends where you live and what housing costs are as to whether 1800 is loads to live off and since you're keeping the house her housing will be a significant expense (assuming you can't buy anywhere outright for 100k).That said she should be able to get a part time job which pays more than 200pcm.

I would perhaps expect you to contribute to big one off expenses Eg school trips but as to childcare and activities that needs to be agreed between you in advance.

Would she not be entitled to 30 hours funding as the household income will be below £100k?

I'd be interested to hear her side of things to see why she thinks childcare/activities should be paid on top of the maintenance.

In the main though you need to have a discussion with her, either one to one if you're on civil enough terms or via solicitors if you're not. Spell out for her that no further maintenance will be forthcoming, that you're paying over and above the (woefully low) CMS minimum for two children, and that this extra will cover the childcare and activities.

Does she have someone giving her duff advice about what you "should" be paying or is she feeling particularly vengeful towards you?