To not contribute to child care costs (separated)

[justbeingadad]

Wife and I are getting divorced, two children, 3 nearly 4 (15 hours free nursery + a 3 paid afternoons) and 7yo (yr2).

My stbxw doesn't have a significant income. Maybe £200/month.

We still live together but she's moving out in December.

We've agreed finances and she'll be receiving £1800/month from me in form of child maintenance and spousal maintenance. She's also getting about £100k cash from house and savings. (I'm remortgaging the house and staying there and will have under 10k cash).

This has all been (in formally) agreed for months, just waiting for solicitors.

Today she told me she expected me to contribute to children's activities and additional hours nursery fees for our 3 year old.

AIBU to think that £1800/month should cover all the costs? She doesn't want me to have the children more than 2 nights a week so it doesn't affect her CM payments (although she's getting about 40% more than I need to pay + spousal maintenance).

For reference, 1800/month is about 40% of my take home.

Help!

We live in the North East.

Her intention is to rent, get a job, get a small mortgage and buy somewhere with her 100k + mortgage.

I've just checked it's more like 36% than 40% of my take home, which is 5k.

I am also giving her 20% of all bonus for 7 years which is not insignificant (I get about 20k/year bonus) I guess you could argue that that means it's not 36% of my take home.... But I hope that its clear what I meant.

She does a couple of cleaning jobs for friends.

But why are you giving her so much?

Her child and spousal maintenance is the equivalent of a £28k full time job! Tell her to get herself to fuck.

^This. She sounds like a lazy, entitled person.

I’m surprised you’ve only got £200k in equity and savings (assuming her £100k is 50%) with that kind of income.

I thought we were very clam and adult like until today. I think she genuinely feels she's getting a bad deal.

If she only earns £50pw, she’s only doing 4/5 hours cleaning so why does she need 3 full nursery days?
The CMS would half that amount. My DPs ex did this, had a generous arrangement but was and is a grasper, took him to CMS they cut the amount by 70%, he now pays that and buys the kids things himself as she’s a disaster with money and budgets. Too many greedy woman don’t realise when they’re onto a good thing.

@Basilicaofthemind

Because she decided we needed to move a year ago and double our mortgage and spend all our savings on moving, in short.

Also I've only earned this much for the last 2 or 3 years.

Work out what CSM would be, add 50% of nursery costs and see what this is. I really don't agree with spousal maintenance for so long, I think 3 years should be a maximum.

I'd also remember that the cms value is pretty low. If one parent is earning alot you would expect them yo contribute a lot. The children should benefit from the parent's high income. Since you're keeping the house (unusual since you don't have custody) I would expect more of a contribution. You say she doesn't want you to have more custody but you need to take responsibility for that too why don't you insist on more time with your kids?

You should change your username to justbeingamug.

How come you are keeping the house when she is the resident parent?

I've just checked it's more like 36% than 40% of my take home, which is 5k....I am also giving her 20% of all bonus for 7 years which is not insignificant (I get about 20k/year bonus)

By choosing to give more than what her legal entitlement is - you are giving her room to claim that you can afford more....and she's making sure that her money-grabbing trumps the dc's needs/rights to see their father more than twice a week.

Cut it down to her basic legal entitlement only - and then the extra you are paying YOU can pay your share of costs towards activities etc - and make sure that you have a say in it otherwise you will find that activities gradually encroach on what little time you have with your dc.

She needs to get a job and stop using the dc to maximise her income.

Because she decided we needed to move a year ago and double our mortgage and spend all our savings on moving, in short.
Sounds like she planned it all well in advance.....

I have said it many times on here and now I will say it again. Your children are very young. You have to (ideally) co-parent with their mother for approx 15 years. Please ignore the quite bitter posters on here about getting low sums of money and anyone can manage. A family court will look at relative equivalence between households.

What do your children need from you?

You obviously decided together with your ex-wife that she would be the primary child carer. So you work full time - that makes 50:50 care - particularly when both children are in school - only possible with lots of after school clubs, childminders etc. Your children will not thank you for that when they are older.

A pp suggested a compromise that perhaps you suggest to split large value items eg the secondary school trips that seem to cost £1000s. That seems reasonable.

Be honest, be polite and be respectful. That should go a long way. Hope it works out for you.

OP, you are being incredibly fair. Either split the care 50/50 and therefore pay no maintenance, or if she is the type to be difficult (and it seems she will be), I honestly recommend going down the legal route via CMS and putting everything down legally.

To claim I'm "keeping" the house is simply incorrect. 18 months ago, we had a 40% mortgage because of her desire to move and subsequently leave, I will now have a 90% mortgage.

She simply could not afford to live in the house. Even with the money I'm giving her. It's questionable if I can but given I feel this was planned I feel staying in the house and buying her out gives me some less pissed off feelings.

If you do want to pay do it direct, so you know what it costs.
As I presume when she loses most of the extra you will then be willing to pay.

I read the title and though YADBU. After reading the post YANBU at all. She will just have to learn to budget

Does she intend to work? I guess top up in holidays for full time nursery is 1000 a month. Can she afford this? I would guess in the long term it is in your interests that she works. If you want to pay any top up for nursery then I'd pay them direct though

Nursery during holidays is an absolute killer, I have mixed feelings about that. It was her decision to leave and thus stop being a stay at home mother but at the same time they are most definitely my kids and I accept that responsibility, but that's definitely outside of what I'm talking about in this thread but it's a good point.

Tell her that's your final deal.

She will have to increase her working hours.
Use any savings after she has purchased a house to tide her over.

1,800 tax-free is a lot, especially when there is no rent involved. Even with rent, it's all still a decent amount.

The extra nursery hours won't be immediate as she needs to get the hours first.

She will be getting child benefit, and depending on savings she may also be eligible for other benefits, including a discount on council tax.

She is being extremely greedy.

She would be able to get help with childcare through various schemes.

If she earned more, she could look into hiring a nanny/au pair for the holidays.

Tell her your more happy to go through the CMS route where they would expect u to pay much less.
I think your offer is more than reasonable!

Disclaimer, i’m a mum and step mum so know both sides. I think a lot of mum’s seem to conveniently forget that the kids are still their responsibility following a split. After all, if you were still together, what you earn is what you’d have as a couple so if she wants more then she needs to earn it. I think she’s blooming lucky to be getting SM. I mean you earn a good salary but it’s not exactly 6 figure is it (no offence)

@SuperMeerkat

Yeah it is 6 figures.