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Original poster

To freak out about 12 year old dd and boys? Help needed

28 replies

goodtimesahead · 19/11/2019 16:13

So my daughter is 12 she has a phone and I've gone through it and I don't like Messaged I have seen.

She likes a boy and is very full on with him and their chats are about her forcing him to hold hands with her and things like this. She said she loves him, he said it back. It's all too full on!

She is also now friends with his friends who are all boys and they are in a group where they play truth or dare on WhatsApp. In this group they dare each other things like tell this boy or girl you like them.

One boy text another boy saying he wanted to lick his balls BlushBlushShock

And there has been dares like tell this person you like them and want to f**k them ShockShockShock

I'm so not happy about Any of this.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 19/11/2019 16:15

What has your daughter said to you?

Fightingmycorner2019 · 19/11/2019 16:15

Sit her down and tell her it’s off the scale
Inappropriate and use it for a discussion about boundaries and healthy
Ask her to leave the group and explain why ?

Original poster
goodtimesahead · 19/11/2019 16:17

I don't know if I should take her iPhone away and replace with a brick phone? As I need to be able to contact her when she is travelling to school etc.

Or let her keep the iPhone and delete WhatsApp?

I just don't know Sad I have had an issue with dd before when she set up Instagram so I took the phone away for months and changed it so she must ask me if she wants a new app.

But I just think she doesn't know how to conduct herself and being full on like this with boys is not how she should behave.

She used the word f**k and so did the boys I think this is so inappropriate.

Also when I try to talk to her about issues like this she gets embarrassed and runs off crying etc

OP posts:
Original poster
goodtimesahead · 19/11/2019 16:18

I havnt spoken with her yet.

I'm not sure removing the phone completely will teach her how to conduct herself properly but I think if she is inappropriate then she shouldn't have access to whatapp etc

OP posts:
wherearemypaintbrushes · 19/11/2019 16:26

When I was a child, I had a brilliant French teacher. He asked us all if we drank wine at home, and everybody said no. Our teacher laughed and said that in France, all the children drank. We were shocked at first, but he explained: By making it allowed and acceptable, the children learnt to drink safely, and not go 'crazy' when they are finally allowed IYSWIM. I personally think this is genius Smile and I go by it with my own daughter. I've let her drink (not a lot though Grin) I've let her watch 15+ films, I let her go online by herself. Although it won't work for everybody, it has resulted in the most mature girl that I have ever known. I think you should let her keep the phone, but talk to her. Smile

sasparilla1 · 19/11/2019 16:27

I have a 13 year old dd, and I feel your pain! We had a grooming incident last year that the police were involved with. The advice I was given, and that we still follow, was the following: all apps need to be locked down with regards to privacy (you can Google how to do this), phone out of the bedroom at a certain time every night, you must always have the password to the phone and be able to check it at any point. Failure to comply with any of the above means confiscation of the phone. And lastly, they need to remember that a phone is a privilege not a right and that that privilege and can and will be removed at any point! And get a brick phone for use during periods of confiscation. That's a brilliant deterrent!

With regards to the language, you need to talk to her about what is and isn't acceptable. Remember that they are very emotional and everything is hearts and flowers, and tonnes of emojis. In my experience so far it will fizzle out very quickly!!

sasparilla1 · 19/11/2019 16:30

Reading back, this makes me sound like a really strict mum checking her phone every day. I'm not, quite the opposite actually! She's my 3rd dc, so I am pretty laid back. It's about keeping her safe rather than curtailing her life experiences. For us it's about having these "conditions" in place, IF we need to use them but we rarely do. They do need to learn and experience, but safely. It was quite a shock last year, so it is important to be aware of behaviour changes etc.

sleepismysuperpower1 · 19/11/2019 16:43

i agree with @sasparilla1 . Have a talk with her and tell her that you have been through the phone, and you don't like the messages you have read and the language used. tell her what is acceptable and what isn't, before telling her that if she continues to send messages like it her phone will be taken away and replaced with a Nokia. I would also ask her to leave the group on whatsapp, or to archive it if she didn't want the others to know she has left

Fightingmycorner2019 · 19/11/2019 17:03

No I check my 11 years old
WhatsApp groups daily

You are completely reasonable

I would insist on a chat , manufacture a drive somewhere

And make it clear that she leaves the group

I thing a brick would be a bit harsh . It’s the ‘chat’ that’s needed OP

getmeacupoftea · 19/11/2019 17:07

I was your dd growing up. I had a bit of a shit relationship with dad and my self esteem was low, so I would let boys talk to me in all sorts of hideous ways, from quite a young age. I wouldnt restrict anything, as I think it would lead to resentment from your daughter and she could subsequently end up in a not very nice situation with one of these boys as an act of rebel. It's hard,I know. I would absolutely sit with her, have a good old open chat, and give her a bit of an education. Tell her that boys at that age are generally hormonal and gross, and if one of them says they want to "f*" her then make sure she knows that it doesn't mean they respect her, or nessacarily like her.

Just keep everything open, yet dont go looking through private things, as then she wont come to you if she needs help, through fear of being punished.(Speaking from experience)

churchandstate · 19/11/2019 17:07

Of course you ought to remove the phone. She’s far too young for such unbounded conversations.

stucknoue · 19/11/2019 17:09

I think you need to teach her to be appropriate with her phone rather than remove it. By all means get her to hand it over at bed time though. It's the modern world, we need to teach them to safely navigate it rather than isolate

pullingmyhairout2 · 19/11/2019 17:14

We've had a very similar issue with our 11 yr old. We've put an app on her phone called Kapinski (not sure on the spelling ) its meant that we can limit how long she's on it for. You can limit which apps they can use etc. They can always use the phone to ring. Might be worth looking into.
Seems to be a funny age, they like to think they are responsible and mature when actually they are still quite young.

LIZS · 19/11/2019 17:16

Speak to hoy about when school will be reinforcing social media safety as part of pshce. They normally have a rolling programme throughout secondary about boundaries, sexting etc.

churchandstate · 19/11/2019 17:17

LIZS

A duty they have to pick up because of lax parenting. Surely the OP can do this herself?

lilgreen · 19/11/2019 17:18

That would be a confiscation from me. Big talk about not saying things you wouldn’t say face to face etc. 12 is very young.

LIZS · 19/11/2019 17:20

True @churchandstate but it gets the message rather wider as it is clearly a cultural norm among her friends. Sometimes they need demonstrating that this is not something they need to accept.

Dragongirl10 · 19/11/2019 17:23

I would be getting her somewhere she cannot run off, and having a calm but very frank conversation about what is and isn't acceptable behavior.

And l would keep reminding her that if she is immature enough to run off crying at a discussion, she is not mature enough to have a smartphone.
Keep talking about the issues....l talk to my 12 yr old Ds and 13 yr old DD in the car (seperately) about relastionships/sex/behavior/anything else...and frequently enough so it is not a big deal...
They have always been told that until they pay theirown phone bill l can look at their phones whenever l wish....maybe try that approach.

churchandstate · 19/11/2019 17:23

LIZS

That’s true, but believe me when I say the students will have been inundated with messages about safety and appropriate conduct on social media since primary school. It doesn’t work. The issue is the inappropriateness of the medium.

CSIblonde · 19/11/2019 17:28

Having seen my friends teen do similar & tell me she was being pressured into sex, Id speak to her about boundaries, safety & relationships that are only about sex, manipulation & coercive control. I'd add, a pp mentioned allowing alcohol & taboo stuff young: that doesn't always go well, it depends very much on your child's maturity & personality . I drank occasional glasses of wine under strict supervision from 15 but still turned to very heavy drinking to deal with my Dad's death when I was 19. I only stopped because I scared myself: I lost 3stone & was drinking every night.

BackInTime · 19/11/2019 17:34

I second perhaps a temporary ban, certainly no access overnight in her room and most importantly a really good discussion about boys, self respect and appropriate behaviour. Why is she saying these things? Does she feel pressured to join in to be popular? Does she realise that next step with these truth or dares will be send a nude then you really are in danger territory.

Also if you are reading these messages chances are other parents will see them too and may take the matter to the school. So better that that you nip it in the bud now before it escalates.

Tooner · 19/11/2019 17:44

I would be confiscating her phone immediately, she is getting into dangerous territory. What if the next dare is to have sex with one of the boys?

Get her a brick phone to keep in touch with you and say when she is mature enough to have a frank discussion about using her phone and boundary's without running away and crying then you will decide when she can have access to her smartphone again.

advicegiver5 · 19/11/2019 17:47

My advice is to confiscate her phone completely. Based on her behaviour she is obviously not responsible enough to have one. The people in those group chats appear to be bad influences on your daughter. Giving her a brick phone will not prevent her from sending text messages and making calls to the people in the group chats. I think you should take away the phone and talk to her in a kind manner and explain that the people in thise group chats are bad influences. Only give her back the phone when she is developed enough to fully understand why the people in those group chats are not good people to be around. If your daughter knows the people in the group chat at school then unfortunately they can conversate then, although there might be the option of homeschooling your daughter which is beneficial in more ways than one and I highly recommend it

Puffinhead · 19/11/2019 18:52

Delete WhatsApp, let her keep the phone. Have a lengthy conversation with her about boundaries etc..I’d also be inclined to talk to parents/school.

churchandstate · 19/11/2019 19:12

The problem with talking to school/other parents about it is that it can serve to normalise it. Their attitudes could easily be, “Oh no, not again - well, we do tell them. 🙄” Or that type of thing.

Actually we need to maintain the shock. Young people need the message that this isn’t just one of those expected things.

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