Is DH doing too much/ am I a lazy mother?

[MindMyOwnB]

This question is triggered by what other mothers have commented in passing, not DH, although it's made me worry I'm not coping and not doing enough.

DD is 10 months old. I found the transition hard when she was born. She was a colicky baby, terrible sleeper and it was very intense. I do absolutely adore being her mum, just life is understandably very different to before.

DH is self employed and works sporadic hours, sometimes at home and sometimes in an office so there will be weeks when he is around most of the time and works evenings or weekends.

DD still isn't a brilliant sleeper, can wake up anywhere between one and four times a night. The arrangement we have is that I do the night wakings and he gets up with her in the mornings - this can be anytime from 5am although usually 6am. I then stay in bed and get up between 8.30am and 9am. Sometimes I won't have slept much at all in the night, other times I have had an ok nights sleep but still take advantage of the lie in.

Once I'm up I'm with DD all day unless DH takes her to soft play or something like that which is probably once or twice a week to give me a couple of hours' break. About 50% of the time DH is around as well helping so it's not like I'm doing everything alone- he will help with bedtime whilst I cook etc.

A couple of comments from mothers in my NCT group have made me a bit worried about if I'm doing enough, about how their DH is out of the house all day at work etc and how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC. About how they've got up every single morning with their DC and their DHs do nothing.

I know if it works for us it shouldn't matter, but it does matter to me because it plays into my insecurities that I couldn't cope properly, and most women do way more than me. I also feel guilty for going to back to bed when I could get up. AIBU?

[Simkin]

I don't think it's envy. I think it's internalised women-as-martyr image. You see it on here all the time - you know, when people gave birth to their third child and then that afternoon did the keynote speech at an international conference followed by their 5 year old's nativity play, breastfeeding and teaching the 3 year old to read throughout.

The image of woman as Mother Earth is very difficult to rid yourself of, especially when you're vulnerable having just given birth and taking on this unfamiliar role. Sometimes it feels like you have to be Everything or your nothing. Not true of course.

[Pomley]

I think it sounds amazing to be honest, and if it's working for both of you then I really wouldn't worry what some jealous women with outdated views on women's work and men's roles think.

[TryingToBeBold]

I agree with some of the comments. It does sound like a bit of jealousy.
My OH is out the door before DD gets up and that's 5 days a week so I have her from the moment she's awake to when he gets home. Then he takes over a little.
Soft play twice a week..I could only dream of that kind of break sometimes I escape just to do the shopping at the weekend but breaks are few and far between and I can guarantee it's the same for them.
People are shocked when I say my OH changes a nappy. And how lucky I am? Its basic parenting so nothing surprises me in how people parent anymore.

[peachesforfree]

My mother also has a good line in these comments - according to her my db does far too much parenting. Even though my df didn’t do enough which ruined her career. You can’t win so just carry on doing what works for you guys and ignore other people. Be thankful you have a husband like this

[Inebriati]

You both need a good balance. You need to sleep, and he needs to bond with his child.
If he isn't happy he's an adult and he can say so.

[GinAndTings]

Ignore them. What works in your home is what works for you both!

Enjoy catching up on your sleep :)

[Chocolate1984]

It’s not a race to the bottom. Why would you want a husband that didn’t help and left all the childcare to you? A father that doesn’t help isn’t really something to boast about.

[BykerBykerWooooo]

You sound like you and dh have a great arrangement that works for both of you and your child. That’s actually all that matters. Enjoy.

[GoodGriefSunshine]

and how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC well bully for them. I have never met these people as I have never met anyone who doesn't want a break from their DC. Find new friends.

[Justaboy]

You've got a good man there, rather rare on these boards;!

[Damntheman]

Grief OP, You're doing amazing! You two sound like a great team. if it makes you feel better, my DH does even more than yours and I don't consider myself a lazy mother :D Keep on keeping on! True partnership in parenting seems like such a rare thing in some circles, enjoy it.

[neonglow]

Your set up sounds MUCH healthier and better than having a DH who ‘does nothing’ for his own child and feeling constantly sleep-deprived.

[Polydactyly]

It sounds perfectly normal to me. He’s not “helping” you he’s doing his duty as a dad. This is his responsibility too and it sounds like you guys have a pretty good routine worked out so that both of you get enough sleep.
People who act like you’re not doing enough are either jealous or stupid. Often I find the “I would never want a break from my baby” comments come from insecure women who are trying to justify the fact that their partners do sod all.
I hope that the nights improve for you soon but remember this is all normal and if you need have a rant, you’re still allowed even though your husband is “helpful” because you are both still allowed to be tired Without being labelled ungrateful parents.

[treepolitics]

you need a new baby group though don't you, they've caused you to wonder if you are the one in the wrong. Find nicer mum friends - I know it's hard but you shouldn't keep seeing people who've already made you feel bad about yourself and are probably going to take advantage as a next stage because you're 'so lucky'. Whereas they should be kicking their DH's into gear and not prattling about not wanting a break at all.

[KickingItSince1966]

You sound a lot like me. Eldest now 5, and friends’ partners have never put kids to bed. Not even when we have dinner and drinks.

DH and I both value free time to go to gym, housework or just chill and recharge. Friends turn up at birthday parties with partners. Makes no sense why both should suffer 2 hours of soft play.

Give and take, teamwork, and self care. These things make life enjoyable. Being a martyr does not.

[treepolitics]

fwiw when I worked ft my dc was often up 430/5 and I used to love seeing her for those extra hours. Yes it was knackering, but it's a short, short window and in a few years you'll be wondering where all the time went (whilst being pleased you both can actually get some sleep)

[nocluewhattodoo]

I was one of the women whose male partner did sweet fuck all when DD was a baby, and I did used to say I wouldn't want a minute away from DD blah blah blah, but actually that was just me trying to justify the shitty hand I was dealt. Martyring yourself does no one any good, and that is exactly what your NCT 'friends' are doing. But when people are new parents they don't want to advertise the negatives that have become apparent in their relationships because it is supposed to be the ultimate time of happy families, so a 'brave face' is put on.

You keep doing what you are doing OP, you will be a better parent for having rest and time for yourself, DD is 3 and I still feel utterly drained every single day due to the 2 years of sleep deprivation shouldered entirely by me.

[ladycarlotta]

You should not be ashamed that you don't have to do everything yourself! I know being solo all day can seem like a badge of honour, but I reckon managing to share parenting deserves one too! I know so many mums whose relationships are suffering and who are really unhappy with how remote and peripheral their partners are. It doesn't do anyone any favours - your baby has two parents and they deserve a relationship with both. This will be incredible beneficial to all three of you.

Frankly, although I think the parental leave situation in this country is improving, it still gives fathers a very raw deal - which gives mothers a raw deal too. The cultural dialogue is still 'I see you mama!' type posts celebrating women's total martyrdom, or 'lol men what are they like eh?' when dads don't have a fucking clue how to look after their own children day-to-day. It's not good. Men and their kids deserve to get proper time together; women should not STILL be cast as default caregiver. It doesn't have to be like this, and it's great that for you it is not. You should never ever be ashamed of that.

[Ihatecbeebies79]

You're not lazy. You're fortunate to have a proper partner in parenting. If anyone says otherwise, they're probably jealous. My ex is a bit of a knob now, but he was pretty awesome in the early days, parenting f/t during my awful PND.

[bubs80]

You are not lazy. Raising a baby is a partnership you sound like you have the perfect combination

[MoonlightBonnet]

There’s no need for posters to be putting the NCT women mentioned in the OP down to justify either the OP or their own way of doing things. Every family works differently and as long as it is working for your family it’s fine. With my first he’d sleep until 9 and I’d just sleep with him! So DP got up earlier than me but didn’t do the childcare. When my 2nd was a baby he’d get up earlier than me and take the older one to school. But I was doing the night wakings (breastfeeding), with both. We just did what worked. There are no rules.

(And at ten months I didn’t want to be away from my first either. We’d tried for a long time and I was just happy being with him. Didn’t cause any problems for either of us as he got older, we both grew out of it!)

[1300cakes]

and how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC

Good for them. Personally I also enjoy taking care of my dc, thing is I want to keep enjoying it, so I take breaks all the time and don't matyr myself.

I feel a bit embarrassed for them, having a shit husband is nothing to boast about.

[ladycarlotta]

^ I say all this as the partner of a dad who is currently on parental leave looking after our daughter. I am your partner in this situation - freelance and working from home (in theory) while partner cares for the baby. It doesn't always work that way as the baby apparently isn't as woke as we are and really just wants my boobs, but I think it has saved my bacon sanity-wise.

We do the same as you: I do night wake ups and then partner takes her for a few hours while I get some sleep. I'm sure I could survive without that window of sleep but I really would be only just surviving. I think if he wasn't around I would be much less mentally healthy, much less available to my child, much less of a mother than I am. I really enjoy her and I believe that's because I'm not forced to take all the domestic load; my partner knows exactly what being home with a baby entails and we work together as a team to get shit done rather than spending all week wondering what the hell the other's been up to for 10 hours every day.

We're really lucky to be able to do this, and I do also feel self-conscious that my experience of early motherhood isn't like that of some of my peers. But I am really trying not to be sorry about it. More people should have this opportunity; that's what needs to change.

I do try to use my extra energy to help out when other mums are in a bit of a crisis, eg bringing them lunch or looking after their baby for an hour or two. That's the best way I can see to pay it forward right now, besides advocating for this model to be more available.

[Whatsnewpussyhat]

how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC. About how they've got up every single morning with their DC and their DHs do nothing

Jealousy because their husbands opt out of bloody parenting.

What you do is perfectly normal to me.

[Notodontidae]

Dont put any pressure on yourself, an unstressful mum is more benificial to DD than one that is trying to maintain the same standards as before DD was born. So long as the house is clean, a few toys on the floor, or a pile of washing in the corner, and an occasional ready meal is not going to hurt. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a leisure break even if it only 10mins while DD naps. Do exercises every day, and you may find you have even more energy, but as said earlier, if DH is happy, you've no need to feel guilty. YANBU. enjoy your new job.