Is DH doing too much/ am I a lazy mother?

[MindMyOwnB]

This question is triggered by what other mothers have commented in passing, not DH, although it's made me worry I'm not coping and not doing enough.

DD is 10 months old. I found the transition hard when she was born. She was a colicky baby, terrible sleeper and it was very intense. I do absolutely adore being her mum, just life is understandably very different to before.

DH is self employed and works sporadic hours, sometimes at home and sometimes in an office so there will be weeks when he is around most of the time and works evenings or weekends.

DD still isn't a brilliant sleeper, can wake up anywhere between one and four times a night. The arrangement we have is that I do the night wakings and he gets up with her in the mornings - this can be anytime from 5am although usually 6am. I then stay in bed and get up between 8.30am and 9am. Sometimes I won't have slept much at all in the night, other times I have had an ok nights sleep but still take advantage of the lie in.

Once I'm up I'm with DD all day unless DH takes her to soft play or something like that which is probably once or twice a week to give me a couple of hours' break. About 50% of the time DH is around as well helping so it's not like I'm doing everything alone- he will help with bedtime whilst I cook etc.

A couple of comments from mothers in my NCT group have made me a bit worried about if I'm doing enough, about how their DH is out of the house all day at work etc and how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC. About how they've got up every single morning with their DC and their DHs do nothing.

I know if it works for us it shouldn't matter, but it does matter to me because it plays into my insecurities that I couldn't cope properly, and most women do way more than me. I also feel guilty for going to back to bed when I could get up. AIBU?

[Lovemenorca]

* and most women do way more than me. *

They do. But that’s nothing to feel guilty about.

[Icanflyhigh]

I think it sounds like you have a near as damn it perfect relationship where you take an equal share, respect that each other gets knackered and give each other time to recuperate.
You share housework,chores and cooking, and you both have an equal interaction with your DD - long may it continue OP, it sounds lovely x

[LOALM]

A couple of things spring to mind reading this.

Firstly, it sounds like you have a wonderful balance and a wonderfully supportive partner. If he is able to support, and give you some space to yourself, then absolutely take it - it does not make you less able as a mother, lazy, or anything else. It just means he doesn't fall into the category of men who feel like looking after their DC is babysitting

Secondly, those NCT mothers sound a bit awful. I tend to never believe anyone who says they "wouldn't ever want a break from their DC" - because we're all human and need a bloody break from time to time FFS - without it meaning that we love our DC any less, I must add. I would guess some, if not all, are in denial about that.

Thirdly, since when was having a DH who did "nothing" something to be boastful or score mum points about?! I would put money on them actually being a little jealous of the fact that you are able to adore your DD like they do, while having a healthy relationship, a good familial balance and a bit of time to yourself, so instead they're making out that what they have (i.e. little to none of that) is better.

Don't change a thing, OP.

[Chathamhouserules]

They are probably jealous. Yes you probably do do less than most mums but that's because you can. I'm sure you would be able to cope with more if you needed to. But you don't! And I think it's great your dh gets to spend more time with his baby. He's lucky too!

[Magnificentbeast]

It sounds as if you have a really good balance. When I had my first dc I know women who were really territorial about anything to do with the baby. As time went on they wondered why their DH didn't help out more.

I've only ever thought of parenting as a team effort wherever possible. I don't think my dh and I have achieved that exactly but I'll keep working on it. Life does get in the way sometimes.

[userxx]

Those women sound like martyrs.

[Drabarni]

You lost me at NCT friends.
You've had baby now, and these groups stink, honestly.
I think it must be a mc thing as I've known nobody get involved with the stepford wives

Anyway, ignore them your dh is doing what should be expected as a parent.
Perhaps suggest their dh's are a bit useless and crap parents.

[Alwayscheerful]

Jealousy.

[Drum2018]

A couple of comments from mothers in my NCT group have made me a bit worried about if I'm doing enough, about how their DH is out of the house all day at work etc and how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC. About how they've got up every single morning with their DC and their DHs do nothing

I know the Dh I'd prefer to have - yours! I bet these martyr mammies/wives settle their dhs down on the sofa for a blow job as soon as they have spoon fed them their steak dinner .

[AnotherEmma]

😂

[Moreisnnogedag]

It sounds like you have a partnership - honestly i hated baby groups for this very reason. People just wanted to make other people feel bad to make themselves feel better. Me and another mom had loads of snidely comments because we were returning to work -“Oh I love my child too much to go to work so soon”. Their husbands are lazy shits and they are justifying their behaviour by implying that their husbands crappiness is actually allowing them to show maternal love.

[dottiedodah]

DH sounds lovely and there is a great balance .I think you are very lucky Only a few days ago on this site, a lady complained of leaving her baby with her DH, who couldnt cope with any crying ,and was being rough throwing baby around and spinning her then shouting ! Enjoy this lovely time together and ignore the comments .Some women can be really competetive and always want to feel they have the better set up!

[Jackiebrambles]

It sounds to me like you have an excellent balance! I would have loved this when I was on my maternity leave(s).

But my husband had to leave for the office at 7.30am and wasn't back until gone 7pm most nights. So enjoy it! I found those long days of maternity leave pretty hard, so I was glad to go back to work to get some balance back.

Don't worry about everyone elses set up, yes yours might be 'uncommon' but I would say it's the better set up than the usual one for sure!

[GettingABitDesperateNow]

Your NCat 'friends' are jealous and actually being quite nasty - wanting a couple of hours break from anything in life is normal and healthy, and implying that they are better than you because they want to literally spend all their time with their baby is insane. What normal person doesn't want to spend an extra hour in bed when they know they're going to see their baby all day anyway? What kind of mother actually boasts that their kids other equal parent never gets up in the morning with their baby and never spends any alone time with them? They are totally going to be the type of couples where if the woman wants a day out she has to write instructions for the man to follow around eating and sleeping, spends her time constantly checking up on them and then has to leave early because she has got a panicked phone call from the dad because the baby is missing its mum.

I think you will have a much happier marriage, have a better life balance, and see a better bond between your baby and her dad than the other families. Also if you ever have another you will find it a lot easier when the eldest is equally happy with your husband, as newborns are so dependent on their mums usually, so you'll have a lot less jealousy issues.

I still cant get over their horrible judgey comments! NCT is meant to be about support, but somehow sometimes seems to turn into a competition as to who's the biggest martyr

[DangerClose]

Your setup sounds similar to ours. My DH works from home so would take the kids early evening and first thing in the morning, allowing me to get at least a few hours solid of sleep every day. I'd do all the wakeups overnight so he could sleep and be capable of working the next day. But since he worked from home, he'd always be around to help with meals, take them out for a couple of hours once or twice a week to give me a break, etc.

He was happy to do all that because he knew that I was spending 90% of my waking hours with babies/toddlers and that's exhausting!

And they got to see their dad much more than most kids see working parents. We were all happy... why change anything??

[tympanic]

I know many new mums who had a very similar setup to yours, OP. Some whose DHs did even more than that. You are not a lazy mum AT ALL. You sound like a great mum.

My son has always been a terrible sleeper and woke up countless times a night up until only very recently (he's almost 3YO) and still wakes almost every night at least once. My husband did nothing to help. I was wrecked. Still am.

THAT situation is abnormal. Sadly though, I think it's more common than it should be. Which is probably why those other mums are snipping at you. They're jealous. Well done for choosing a good man to father your child.

[CobaltLoafer]

I always find the “I’d never want a break from my baby!” comments come from:

a) first time mums with a baby who naps really well during the day and sleeps through at night - so they ARE getting a break!

b) mums for which everything is a competition.

By second child most people are either totally done in by the toddler phase, or get a shit sleeper next time, realising that they were dicks with their first 😂

I would have been envious of all the help you are getting, sure, but I had a rubbish sleeper for DC1 and would totally have high fived you for being able to actually get some sleep! And for having a decent man as a father to your child!

[egontoste]

Just be thankful that your dc has two parents who are both involved hands-on in her upbringing

[CharityConundrum]

I'm not sure why there are so many vitriolic comments aimed at the other mums. The OP doesn't say that they are directing these comments at her particularly - she says they are comments made in passing, so presumably just in the way that these conversations go at baby groups.

While I agree that the OP seems to have found a balance that works for her family, it is really disappointing that some posters seem to be gleefully tearing down these other women accusing them of jealousy, martyrdom, being pathetic and competitive and accusing them of not being good friends when there is no suggestion that they are doing anything other than describing their situation. The assumption that they must be being deliberately awful is really sad - they are all new mums too, finding their way through the experience of trying to balance a new baby too.

I hope that anyone who is in the situation of one of those other mothers doesn't feel as though they aren't allowed to describe their family set-up without being accused of any of those things. In reality, everyone has a different setup and does what works for them.

[StandUpStraight]

You have an unusually balanced relationship with your DH. Unfortunately it excites remark because it is still so unusual to see that degree of balance, particularly when it has evolved naturally from mutual respect rather than finally being established after constant reminders, complaints, arguments etc. Don’t worry about it - it should be celebrated. Also, my SIL once said that she never wants to be apart from her daughters, and I can tell you that she is a loon and her daughters have not benefited from being suffocated by their mother.

[Saxifraga]

You're not unreasonable at all. Your set up sounds lovely and well balanced!

[Interestedwoman]

'how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC'

IDK who would say this, maybe they feel they should say that, but IMO, most people need a bit of a break sometimes.

'I also feel guilty for going to back to bed when I could get up.'

Sleep is good for you, and there's no point making your life more grueling or miserable if you can avoid it.
-

It sounds like you still do plenty, and don't unduly skive off anything.

It's good that you feel a need to care for your health and well being- this can only be a help to your family. xxx

[Obligatorync]

Sounds very like our set up when our children were small. It sounds perfectly fair. Now they're all at school we both work full time but we share all the other work. It's good.

[BlingLoving]

You are my hero. What you are doing is the advice I give eery woman when they have a baby - if he has to work and therefore really does need that chunk of sleep, fine, but that doesn't mean he gets to enjoy a perfect 9 h ours every night while you're barely surviving on 3. I always tell women that if they're' up all night, their husbands absolutely should be doing the early morning stint (going to bed a bit earlier if necessary) so that at least you get a few solid hours.

DS was also a terrible sleeper. I used to go to bed around 9. He'd stay up and feed ds at around 11:00 then go to bed. I'd do the rest of the night (unless things got totally out of hand) and usually I'd manage to get DS back down around 4 am. But he'd be niggling by 5/5:30 at which point DH would get up. Sometimes they'd then both be up until Dh went to work, sometimes he'd get DS down and he'd be able to shower/breakfast in peace. And then I'd take over when he left at about 8 am. Without those guaranteed 3 hours consecutive sleep every night I would probably have died. And my mild PND would undoubtedly have been significantly worse.

[ladycarlotta]

You lost me at NCT friends.
You've had baby now, and these groups stink, honestly.
I think it must be a mc thing as I've known nobody get involved with the stepford wives

but this is unfair. I've had great experiences with NCT and my cohort were definitely not Stepford at all! Granted my area is generally a bit alternative, but NCT is just one option for making friends and finding support. I'm sure different groups have different dynamics, and I'm sure some don't gel at all, but it is so variable. I found the way the sesions were run to be VERY Stepford sometimes, but I don't think any of us were really there for that?
(well, maybe one couple...)