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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure if I am..

50 replies

JustALittleBitWillDo · 19/11/2019 07:50

AIBU to think that unless you have a migraine so bad that you physically cannot see, or a D&V virus (or something equally as debilitating), taking the day off of work because you don’t feel 100% doesn’t automatically mean you can spend all morning in bed, and not get up and help out with the DC’s?

DH has phoned in work this morning and told them he’s being sick, so he won’t be able to make it in. He hasn’t been sick, he just feels queasy.
Now, we have three DC’s under three who I’m at home with every day, I get up and deal with them all plus all the housework/dinners etc come rain or shine. DH is up and out the house in the mornings before we’re all up, so if I woke up and felt a bit sicky, there’s no way on this earth that I could phone DH up, tell him I feel queasy and expect him to leave work and come back and deal with the kids. I’d have to be vomiting through my eyeballs and shitting blood for that to happen.

He’s phoned in a couple times already this year, the time before today, he had a cold but was insistent it was worse than that, it wasn’t (can I hear typical case of man flu, anyone!?), but he took the day off and stayed in bed til 10. If I woke up feeling like I was coming down with a cold, or even if I was in the throes of a bad one, I’d still have to get up and deal with the kids all day long, I wouldn’t be able to stroll out bed whenever I felt like it.

So, where do I stand with this? We had a quick chat this morning and while I don’t doubt that he does feel sicky, he’s coherent enough and looks fine in himself. I guess I’m annoyed that the working parent can take days off and lounge about in bed for anything ranging from a serious illness, to a cold, but the SAHP has to put up with any manner of lurgy and just get on with it.

What would be an acceptable time to get him up? If I left him be, we wouldn’t see him til lunch time. I think that if both of us are home, we should both try and muck in and help one another out. But I don’t know whether I’m BU or not!

OP posts:
isabellerossignol · 19/11/2019 07:54

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I think loads of people are going to tell you that you're awful and he needs his rest. When you're a sahm you just don't get the option to go to bed if you are ill. I would obviously feel differently if he was actually glued to the toilet or in such agony with migraine that he can't open his eyes. But just feeling sick? I think it would only be fair to help out.

Winterdaysarehere · 19/11/2019 07:56

Seems to me you need an urgent errand doing op...
A dc - free one...
Like an appointment at Costa...
Or a hair cut..
Be ready before you wake him, when he comes down you leg it out the door..

Original poster
JustALittleBitWillDo · 19/11/2019 07:59

Our youngest (2 months old) is breastfeeding so no option of a child free outing for me I'm afraid, as lovely as that sounds!

Of course if he'd actually been sick, I wouldn't be on here now questioning whether or not I'm being unreasonable.

It just makes me think back to all of the times I felt nauseous as hell throughout my second and third pregnancies but still had to get up and get on with it, with other children in tow. I couldn't just lay in bed and ignore my responsibilities.

OP posts:
runoutofideasnow · 19/11/2019 07:59

There's no point getting wound up yet, it doesn't look like you've asked him to get up and do anything.
I'd wake him at 9 and ask him to DJ whatever job would be most helpful to you.
Are there any errands you need to run that would be easier without the kids?

StoppinBy · 19/11/2019 08:00

This is my day today - gastro bug had me up from about 3am. My husband did go to work late so he could drop our daughter at school - she wouldn't have been going otherwise - then left for work and left me with a grumpy 2 year old.

If this was him I would barely have seen him all day as he hid out in the bedroom.

Original poster
JustALittleBitWillDo · 19/11/2019 08:01

I did say to him this morning that he can't expect to lay in bed all morning just because he feels sick, and that I don't have that option to do so when I feel rough. I took the baby through to the front room, and am now about to get the two toddlers up and start doing breakfasts etc.

I'd like to think he would naturally rouse at a decent time, but he can sleep for England, illness or no illness. If left, he'd still be in there til 11/12!

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 19/11/2019 08:02

P.S I was vomiting frequently as well as spending a fair bit of time sitting on the toilet.

PurpleDaisies · 19/11/2019 08:03

You’re best off staying out if his way so nine of you catch what he has. This is the time of year for winter vomiting bugs.

666onmyhead · 19/11/2019 08:03

When your youngest is no longer BF why don't you consider going back to work and he can be a SAHP ? Then you can phone in and be sick occasionally ?

Original poster
JustALittleBitWillDo · 19/11/2019 08:13

Oh, it's not a bug. He just woke up in the night and felt queasy then felt groggy this morning so has phoned in.

We had a (lighthearted) talk a few years ago about him being the SAHP, and he, in a nutshell, said he wouldn't be able to cope with it and he doesn't know how I do it 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 08:15

Oh, it's not a bug. He just woke up in the night and felt queasy then felt groggy this morning so has phoned in.

So it totally could be a bug and he could actually vomit at any time then.

PurpleDaisies · 19/11/2019 08:17

That’s how these things often start. Is he normally one to call in sick?

Original poster
JustALittleBitWillDo · 19/11/2019 08:19

Yeah, he phones in sick from anything from a headache, to a cold, to backache. I think this is the third or fourth time so far this year that he's been 'too ill' to go in, but when he eventually wakes up, he usually takes some paracetamol and is more or less fine!

I'm confident it isn't a bug, but will update should anything change.

OP posts:
Straycatstrut · 19/11/2019 08:35

My ex (live very far apart now) does this all the time and uses it as an excuse not to pay child support. He'll say "had a migraine that week, felt sick that week, felt so depressed that week" so apparently he's had all this time off and has no wage. I do think he'd try it on to get out of work and his parents must give him huge hand outs - as he's somehow keeping hold of a 2 bed flat in the middle of a big city. So I'm stuck with the kids (love them to bits but you know the score) both have health issues, the housework kills me, especially the constant washing up, and no money for food all the time, and have to suck it up no matter how I feel.

I'd do the same to him and tonight get up in the night and tell him you feel queasy, headache, tell him you need the day off tomorrow. See how that goes.

I'd absolutely no way in this lifetime get into another relationship where it wasn't completely equal. I'd rather do it all myself than deal with the resentment and the arguments and being taken for an absolute mug.

Love to you!

runoutofideasnow · 19/11/2019 08:41

He's going to end up getting sacked if he's not careful.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/11/2019 09:04

Does he work somewhere that monitors sickness absence?

YANBU on the getting up. DH and I have been tag teaming the current cold from hell that is going around. We muddled through getting the kids ready together as best we could.

Gatehouse77 · 19/11/2019 09:15

I think it depends what he actually does when you are sick.

My DH has taken time off for being under the weather rather than ill but he's also worked through being ill when there's been no option. So, fairly balanced.

If I were under the weather I would carry on but I wouldn't do the things that didn't need doing or could wait for DH to get home and help with. If I'm truly ill the DH would take time off or I would call upon friends.

Would it piss me off if he were lounging around doing a sickie? Not really unless he was being pathetic. I'm not very tolerant of pathetic!

mclover · 19/11/2019 09:34

I get you, it's totally unfair when you are the sahm, or the mum in general in my experience.

Original poster
JustALittleBitWillDo · 19/11/2019 10:21

His work do monitor sickness, yes, but evidently they're pretty laid back about it as he's taken sickness days for mostly mundane reasons for as long as I've known him, and they never do anything about it.

When I'm ill, DH won't take the time off of work no. If I'm sick in the morning just after DH has left for work, he won't phone work and tell them he needs to go home to be with me. If I feel I'm coming down with a rotten cold one night and say that I may wind up needing help the following day, he'll just say 'well I've got to go in to work, but I'll see if I can leave an half hour/hour early' - gee thanks, huge help!

Before falling pregnant with DC3, I used to get ovulation pains so severe every month that I felt queasy for two days straight, my back felt like it'd been trampled on by elephants, and I'd get the headache from hell to top it all off. But, I still had to plough through it with a (then) toddler and baby.

I just went in to DH and told him it's 10am, and he really needs to get up. I can still hear him snoring. Looks like I'm getting no help this morning then.

OP posts:
ItsGoingTibiaK · 19/11/2019 10:42

But why are you turning it into a competition? You don’t feel unwell, so why are you expecting additional help? Practically speaking for you, there’s no difference between him being in bed and him being at work.

flirtygirl · 19/11/2019 11:06

When you are ill, op why are you being a martyr?

You did not have to do anything but the bare minimum when ill even with babies and toddlers. As they can be in bed with you and you can get up feed /change them and go back to bed. You do not have to carry on as normal, as there is no rule that says you do.

They learn from whatever you do and they would see it as normal if you make it so. So toddler playing on the floor whilst you are in bed, baby beside you would be normal.

If your husband is ill then let him rest. You can choose to do things differently for yourself when you are ill.

It is always better to rest and get over whatever it is, then to carry on through and lengthen most illnesses or bugs.

Also if you got very ill then your husband could take time off to help you. Have you asked him, if he would?

flirtygirl · 19/11/2019 11:10

Cross post, you answered my last question.

I think he is unreasonable not to help you when you are ill. I do not think he is unreasonable to stay in bed when ill himself.

Jizzle · 19/11/2019 11:11

I think YABVU OP. If your DP wasn't sick, you would be at home looking after the kids all on your own anyway. He has taken the decision to call in sick to work, a decision you can't judge as you have no idea how sick he actually feels, even if he does outwardly look fine.
As he is off work sick, he can chose to spend the day getting better however he sees fit, and if that means staying in bed, so be it.

If you were feeling like he does now, you wouldn't get a day off, no, but you don't have to go in to an office, you don't have to commute, you don't have to look professional in front of a boss, because you stay at home. If you are feeling under the weather you can do more relaxing things with your kids, take it easy in front of the tv or go outside for a little fresh air, all things he can't do at work. You have it easier.

spacepyramid · 19/11/2019 11:12

He's being unreasonable I think. I have to look after my DCs when I have a full on migraine as there is nobody else so no reason why he can't.

Tyersal · 19/11/2019 11:14

Surely though if he was well enough to do childcare he would be well enough to go to work

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