Not sure if I am..

[JustALittleBitWillDo]

AIBU to think that unless you have a migraine so bad that you physically cannot see, or a D&V virus (or something equally as debilitating), taking the day off of work because you don’t feel 100% doesn’t automatically mean you can spend all morning in bed, and not get up and help out with the DC’s?

DH has phoned in work this morning and told them he’s being sick, so he won’t be able to make it in. He hasn’t been sick, he just feels queasy.
Now, we have three DC’s under three who I’m at home with every day, I get up and deal with them all plus all the housework/dinners etc come rain or shine. DH is up and out the house in the mornings before we’re all up, so if I woke up and felt a bit sicky, there’s no way on this earth that I could phone DH up, tell him I feel queasy and expect him to leave work and come back and deal with the kids. I’d have to be vomiting through my eyeballs and shitting blood for that to happen.

He’s phoned in a couple times already this year, the time before today, he had a cold but was insistent it was worse than that, it wasn’t (can I hear typical case of man flu, anyone!?), but he took the day off and stayed in bed til 10. If I woke up feeling like I was coming down with a cold, or even if I was in the throes of a bad one, I’d still have to get up and deal with the kids all day long, I wouldn’t be able to stroll out bed whenever I felt like it.

So, where do I stand with this? We had a quick chat this morning and while I don’t doubt that he does feel sicky, he’s coherent enough and looks fine in himself. I guess I’m annoyed that the working parent can take days off and lounge about in bed for anything ranging from a serious illness, to a cold, but the SAHP has to put up with any manner of lurgy and just get on with it.

What would be an acceptable time to get him up? If I left him be, we wouldn’t see him til lunch time. I think that if both of us are home, we should both try and muck in and help one another out. But I don’t know whether I’m BU or not!

But there is a difference between him being here, and him being at work. If he's home, he can help with all the housework that I have to juggle between breastfeeding a newborn and looking after two toddlers.

This wasn't a case of 'he was far too sick to go in to work' because like I've said several times on this post, he frequently has days off over things that he really should still be going in for. Things like colds, and backaches...

He's up now. Hasn't been sick, has eaten a big breakfast and apart from looking tired - which we both always are - he's fine.

I definitely don't think being at home with three DC's under three whilst ill yourself is 'easier' than going to work whilst ill. Constant nappy changing, breastfeeding, breakfasts, lunches and dinner to make, washing up to do, wet beds to strip, wash and change.. I don't get to sit around doing sweet FA when I'm ill, so why should he? FWIW, DH is a leader of a team at work and if he wants to go and sit in his own little office and do 'admin' then he can. He's told me that if he's feeling stressed or tired or whatever, then he'll go and sit in his office all afternoon. I'd argue that chilling on your own, pretending to do admin in your private office is actually easier than having three small humans climbing all over you with poopy nappies when you're feeling ill.

My issue is though, why should he be able to phone in work and take the day off over something like a cold, or, like today, feeling a bit queasy, and then lay in bed til 11 and do no housework, but when I feel a bit under the weather or even when I'm truly ill, I don't get to do that. I don't get to see out my illness in whichever way I see fit. It's business as usual for me, so I do think unless he's spewing his guts up, he should at least try and chip in to make my day easier while he's here.

So yes he is being unreasonable to not go into work. If he could be considered well enough to do house work then depending on his job he could probably go in

YABU. If he’s taken a day off work because he believes he’s too poorly for work why on earth would you expect him to do housework? Presumably if he feels too ill for work he feels too ill for housework.

The fact that he doesn’t afford you the same treatment when you’re ill is a separate issue.

I think maybe you need to re-evaluate whether you want to be a stay at home mum or not, and look at getting some extra help when you’re ill.

He’s off work ill. Expecting him to do housework doesn’t seem reasonable to me, but I can see why you’re frustrated and fed up.

But it's more that he essentially just fancies a day off and will use the hour of queasiness he felt last night as his excuse. Like I've said, if he was truly ill, I wouldn't have this mindset. But too many times I've watched him stay home with a drippy nose, knowing full well that he could've gone in to work, or at the very least, washed last nights dishes for me and chucked some washing in the machine so that I didn't have to try and find time to do it amongst my hectic day, but he'll instead sit on the sofa doing nothing, watching me do everything.

I think the point which is being lost is he clearly isn't 'that' ill. Whilst he isn't feeling 100%, he's clearly on the skive.

I'm with you OP.

OP your issue seems to be that your DH is not allowed to opt out of working when he is ill, because you don't get the same option?

It is perfectly reasonable that your DH should rest if he's off sick (so he's well enough to go in tomorrow). If you feel you have to struggle on when you are ill, maybe you need to discuss with your DH if he could take a day's annual leave next time you are not well and don't feel you can cope (rather than expecting him to be a mind reader), or you could bring in some paid childcare.

You say in your OP that he's already called in sick a couple of times this year. We're in November. Taking 3 sick days in a year is hardly excessive.

Thanks super, that's exactly my point. If he was genuinely, truly ill, I wouldn't be feeling this way. He might have a dicky stomach, but that doesn't mean he gets out of doing anything and everything at home today.

I don't expect him to be a mind reader when I'm ill. I've already stated in a previous post that if I was to ask DH to stay at home/come home if I started feeling rough, I'd be told 'well I've got to go to work, bills need to be paid' or 'I'll see if I can leave work half an hour earlier than usual' and that's the best I get!

He works in a school, so the three of four times he's properly phoned in have been during term time. He still has to go in while the kids are on their holidays, but if he has so much as a sore throat during a half term or the six week holidays, then he won't go in and will mope around doing nothing and acting like he's dying 🤦🏻‍♀️

Taking 3 sick days in a year is hardly excessive.

It would be considered excessive anywhere that I've ever worked. Unless all 3 days were at the same time.

It would be considered excessive anywhere that I've ever worked. Unless all 3 days were at the same time.

It’s normal for a school where you’re working with little germ factories, sorry, children.

If he’s only off for three or four days a year, I don’t understand why it’s so important that he does childcare/housework while he’s off.

It sounds like you need to address the split of household work and child care on the other 360 days of the year.

I dont know, I get migraine and I dont have aura or actual vomiting with it, I just feel very faint and feel sick. If I rest it gets a lot better, if I just try and carry on it gets worse and worse and it feels like it takes over my whole body and mind, the pain is honestly awful and if I try and drive or anything it's not safe. So if hes got a migraine but hes not actually being sick then I wouldn't say that makes him well enough to help out.

The issue is that you dont get any sick days. In most peoples jobs they can get emergency unpaid leave or take emergency holiday for unforeseen childcare emergencies and I'd say you being ill, was one. I know mumsnet doesnt agree with this but I think when the stay st home parent is ill, if the other parent can stay off, then they should. My husband took the odd day off when I was on mat leave and had a sickness bug or had done my back in and couldn't move. I know not everyones job affords this flexibility but I think a lot do but the working parent thinks they shouldn't take it as it's not their role in the family

Maybe you should have a chat with him about contingency plans eg what would happen if you had flu and were hallucinating and couldn't move? Or had an accident that required a hospital stay?

I think the issue here is that you think your husband is lying and isn’t unwell, and that he doesn’t do his share round the house.

I feel sorry for the school where he works. He seems to have a poor work ethic.
You can bet all his colleagues are gossiping about his sickie today.
You should have opened all the bedroom windows at 7am and froze him up.
Tell him he's cooking dinner tonight.

If he made it possible for you to rest when you were ill then I would have sympathy for him. Why does he get to rest if you never do.

He doesn't have a migraine, he's taken the day off because he felt a bit queasy last night and 'in case' he was sick today. Well he hasn't been, and is showing no signs of being close to throwing up everywhere.

Per my last post, that's three of four days during term time. Throughout the holidays he massively milks it.

Ok, but there are still over 350 more days through the year when I’m guessing he isn’t pulling his weight. That’s what you really should be focussing on.

I would say there is a bit more going on here. He sounds a bit feeble. You sound very resentful and worn down. I don't think this is really about the sick day. Does he help out at home in the evenings? Are your DCs in nursery at all?

I know I should be focusing on that too, but his 'sick' days I guess highlight it more, and just adds to my rage that I never get to stop doing my 'job', no matter how rough I may or may not be feeling.

I have a colleague who used to get 2/3 migraines a month. He hasn't had a single one in the 4 months since his first DC was born, so I'm guessing coming to work is easier than being at home

Although, as you're usually at home so today is no different if he doesn't help out, I'd send him to bed and tell him to keep out of the way of my usual routines.

Hahaha, no, no help in the evenings with the housework. Dishes/cooking stuff is left for me to deal with the following morning, if there's laundry still sat in the machine when he gets in from work, then there's perhaps a 10% chance he'll hang it out. The lounge is usually left for me to tidy once the DC's have gone to bed.

He does get the two toddlers in to bed every evening though, which I am thankful for as their bedtime collides with our baby's 'fussy hour', so I'm usually cluster feeding while the elder two are winding down/getting ready for bed etc.

I've said to him time and time again that I certainly don't expect him to get in from work, and automatically pick up the hoover or start changing our bed, but yknow, me not having to do the dishes every single day is just one small thing he could help with, that would make my mornings a little easier.

Why should he not start doing housework as soon as he gets home? You are constantly doing stuff, even when he is forced to put the older kids to bed you are breast feeding. You and he need a chat. He needs to help you.

I guess because I'm at home all day, so the bulk of the housework should fall on me to do. And for the most part, I'm ok with it being that way. But it does piss me off that he doesn't wash up during the week, and will probably only wash up every other weekend when he's home.

The thing with him being home as well though, is that our middle dc won't nap when he's here, and he needs to nap still. He's the kind that will be a monster come 4pm because he's so overtired. So it throws my day out routine wise, as I usually get the majority of housework done whilst DC1 has lunch, and DC2&3 are napping!