To not visit the in laws because they're shitty to me

[Mallowmarshmallow]

On my last three visits to my sister in law and her husband, he has taken it upon himself to ignore me for varying amounts of time, firstly just the Sunday, then two days and most recently for the whole stay.

For context, they live four hours away and we have small children so we usually visit from late Friday night until Sunday morning.

I have no idea why apart from that he is grumpy, once I declined a pot of tea he had made for me which I didn't want and hadn't asked for....and because he's mildly abusive to his wife and would like to control me in a similar manner.

I was very clear with both DH and SIL last time we visited that I never intend to visit again to be treated in such a manner but have wholeheartedly encouraged DH to take the DCs as they enjoy visiting. A year later and he still hadn't made any plans to visit so I've suggested they go this weekend. Everyone proceeds to pretend I'm going to even though I was very clear from the start of the planning that I wouldn't be.... when I'm clear of my intentions again, sarcastic comments and screenshots from SIL to DH ensue.

AIBU to think I'd been very clear throughout and I have no intention of visiting or should I suck it up and go and get treated like shit again?

Well, if they're being this rude to/about you now, why the hell would you put your hand in that blender?

You're terribly sorry, you decline to present yourself in person so they can enjoy using you as their own personal punching bag.

They can either take DH and the children going and be appreciative that they are, or they can leave it and shove it.

Would be my thoughts.

Screenshots?!

Don't go!

Nope not unreasonable, screw them!

Have SIL and her DH admitted that he was rude and promised that it won't happen again? If so I'd give him one last chance.

Haha! Not a chance I'd go ! Wave them ta ta with a cheery smile and relax for the weekend 🤣

I hope your DH is putting his foot down that he doesn't want to hear any of this nonsense. He can go see his sister and have a nice time with the kids but he's not joining in against you.

Tell them you'd love to come but something came up.

Dont give them ammunition to say you are dramatic or sensitive or starting a row.

YANBU, make nice with relatives who are polite but you are not keen on sure, being a doormat? Nope.

Honestly if they are being that rude and he is as bad as you say I'd stop encouraging DH to organise visits with the DC. Seeing that kind of attitude towards their Mother isn't a good thing and if DH can't be arsed to make the effort why should you have to shimmy him along? He isn't that bothered about seeing them if it takes you reminding him after a year.

What has DH said about you being given the cold shoulder on visits and the sarcy screenshots?

Remove yourself op. No need to subject yourself to vile people..
Your dh can take the dc - on the understanding if they ever return with tales of badmouthing against you it will be the last visit.

Don’t bother encouraging DH to go. Step away from the drama

Why did you encourage your DH to go?

Left to his own devices, he had no desire to see his sister for over a year.

Just leave him to decide when he next wants to see her and sort it himself. It will possibly be never.

And after a whole year, how do you know if the kids will like it there anyway. Everyone is a whole year older, very different.

You aren't close to these people. It doesn't sound like your DH is either. Leave them alone. Your children have other relatives and lots of friends.

why get involved in making arrangements for dh to see them? Bit stupid.

I wondered if SIL's husband is cold to you because he didn't want your family there all weekend. Do they actually invite you over or did you and your family always make the arrangements. I agree with a PP don't get involved at all and if your husband is bothered he will arrange to go without prompting/ if SIL is bothered she will invite them. If none of them are bothered about seeing each other why should you be?

I understand a form of obligation for PILs given they are your DC's grandparents (within reason), but you have no obligation to your SIL and her husband. Don't go and in your shoes I would be happy if your DH and children didn't either.

I wouldn’t encourage my dh to go, nor would I want my dc in that house. Is your dh backing you up or is he joining in with his sister’s shit?

Not to drip feed but they are pretty much DH's only family, raised him as a child due to dysfunctional parents and we live close to/spend a lot of time with my family so I feel like it's good for the kids to experience that side of their family too.

DH backed me up, albeit quietly, when it happened but is of the unassertive persuasion, (ie just a bit shit at adulting) hence my encouragement for them to go. He wants to see them but isn't good at organising stuff....

Not to drip feed but they are pretty much DH's only family, raised him as a child due to dysfunctional parents and we live close to/spend a lot of time with my family so I feel like it's good for the kids to experience that side of their family too.

DH backed me up, albeit quietly, when it happened but is of the unassertive persuasion, (ie just a bit shit at adulting) hence my encouragement for them to go. He wants to see them but isn't good at organising stuff....

You think it is good for the children to experience hanging out in a house where the husband controls the wife and has been so horrid to their mother that she doesn't visit? Are you on glue?

And yet I bet he manages to hold down a job and function at that? Leave him to it, if he wants to see his family he will arrange it. Remove yourself from the faff of the trip now and don't engage, and don't arrange any more.

Of course you shouldn’t go, even if they were reasonable people (which they clearly aren’t) there is no need for you all to trail around in a gang, I think it’s good for children to do separate things with their parents, I never expected my DH to always tag along when I visited family & he would visit his side of his family with our DS & without me on other occasions. No fallings out, we all got on well but are not joined at the hip all the time.

Just don’t go ... wave your DH off with a cheery smile & enjoy your weekend alone ...... my DH & DS are away for two weeks at Christmas without me, I can’t wait .

Looking ahead, I’d probably encourage DH to take the kids for a visit this year, without you. Likelihood is it won’t go too swimmingly (without your work, and with BIL’s personality). Next year, they won’t be able to blame you for no one being interested/bothered to plan future trips, will they?

With a bit of luck, this family connection will die a natural death.

I think it’s just you pushing for it, and for reasons you really need to have a good hard look at. Nothing you’ve posted so far outweighs the downsides of fuelling this relationship. Who exactly is going to raise their eyebrows at how much time you spend with your relatives, compared to his? Absolutely no one. Only your DH could, and since he’s not bothered?

If you feel the kids are so deeply enamoured of each other, start them on a penpal project. A monthly kid Skype, if you must. You can offer contact between kids without any need for visits, or contact with the parents. You really can. Buy a book of stamps, and be done with it.

As long as you organise things for DH he will never get better at adulting!

As for the weekend at your SIL - of course you're not going, you know the outcome, why would you do this to yourself? book yourself in for a lovely spa day instead!

Don't go! Can't stand my in-laws from similar reasons. Maintain no contact with BIL and his wife and only low contact with MIL and FIL. Best decision ever. Saves so much drama.

If he wanted to see them he would have organised it. If he didn't then that means he's not that bothered. Not surprising really given that they've been shits to his wife.

Stop treating him like a child. He can arrange a visit. He really can. He is an adult. Even if you think he's a shit adult he can't be all that bad if you married, procreated and seem happy. So back away. Far away. Further. Keep going. Leave him to manage his family as he sees fit, even if you disapprove.