To not visit the in laws because they're shitty to me

[Mallowmarshmallow]

On my last three visits to my sister in law and her husband, he has taken it upon himself to ignore me for varying amounts of time, firstly just the Sunday, then two days and most recently for the whole stay.

For context, they live four hours away and we have small children so we usually visit from late Friday night until Sunday morning.

I have no idea why apart from that he is grumpy, once I declined a pot of tea he had made for me which I didn't want and hadn't asked for....and because he's mildly abusive to his wife and would like to control me in a similar manner.

I was very clear with both DH and SIL last time we visited that I never intend to visit again to be treated in such a manner but have wholeheartedly encouraged DH to take the DCs as they enjoy visiting. A year later and he still hadn't made any plans to visit so I've suggested they go this weekend. Everyone proceeds to pretend I'm going to even though I was very clear from the start of the planning that I wouldn't be.... when I'm clear of my intentions again, sarcastic comments and screenshots from SIL to DH ensue.

AIBU to think I'd been very clear throughout and I have no intention of visiting or should I suck it up and go and get treated like shit again?

Why did you keep going?
Why are you badgering DH to visit?

Are they actually inviting you-maybe they don’t want houseguests.

He wants to see them but isn't good at organising stuff....

That's up to him. If he wants to see them badly enough he'll manage to organise it. You don't have to facilitate contact with people who are nasty to you because you won't let them control you.

What if the BIL tries to control your children?

In my view if your dh wanted to go that much he would just go...this is such a non issue you are creating.They havent asked any of you to go so therefore they dont want you to ..it was all done and dusted but there you go stepping in and organizing...stop OP.Leave it to your dh to sort himself out.You have created this issue no one else by deciding its time for a visit. Had you kept out of it and not jumped in planning you wouldnt need to be writing this post.

I’d eat my hat if the H doesn’t have form for treating your DH poorly in the past if he semi brought him up. It sounds all shades of fucked up.

If your DH wants to go I guess he should but I predict that before long someone else will be treated badly by this bully. It might be one of your DC.

My sil (my DB’s wife) deliberately winds up my DH when she comes around so that he and I row (she knows DB can’t stand it when we do) so she doesn’t have to come around again. Could your BIL be doing something similar?

For example she wouldn’t let my DH hold her baby or take elder DN to the park (even when he was taking other DNs), telling him they were sick, but then seconds later let one of my other brothers do both. Or she would say she wants coffee / food / etc when DH is making it and then gaslight and say she never said it. She would also make low level sarcastic comments to DH across a whole day until he got fed up and rowed at me saying he was fed up with my family (took me a long time to figure out she was doing this - youngest DB needed to point it out to me!). Things have improved since I stopped inviting DB round though he does now think I don’t like him and his kids as much as my DSis kids

I definitely wouldn't go if they'd treated me rudely previously. However, when they were rude or ignored me, I would have pulled them up on it. Your DH should have done so too and, if he isn't prepared to do so, he shouldn't expect you to go and be subject to their appalling behaviour.

Just another idea maybe BIL is a bit pissed off at having his home invaded maybe? You say you stay for 4 days with kids..thats a lot for anyone to put up with under each others feet.Could you not all go but stay in a hotel or b n b and just meet up for a day out or a meal? That way you all get space and not get on each others nerves? That might make the whole situation much better.

In laws can be so difficult.

My partner's parents are friendly enough to me, but they've made it clear that they'd rather he was still with his ex (I was never OW, they'd been apart for a year before we even met) and his brother and sister and their partners don't really make much of an effort to talk to me or include me in conversations. I'm shy so I end up just sitting there listening to them talk most of the time, which just feels awkward.

You need to stop pushing it. If your DH wanted to go, he would.

My DH is exactly the same with my parents. We live near his parents and he's always had a great relationship with them.
On the other hand, we live hours from my parents and haven't seen them in nearly 2 years. They've only met our DD once and clearly have no desire to visit or host us. DH can't seem to get his head round this and keeps insisting we visit soon. Honestly I could think of so many better things to do than pack everything up, drive for hours and spend a weekend with people who don't really want me there anyway.

Family isn't important to everyone, especially if they're dysfunctional.

Thanks all, I fairly sure IANBU.

For those that asked, the visit is normally from Friday night once the kids are asleep until after breakfast on Sunday so two nights and only one full day.

I had repeatedly checked it was ok for the visits since he seemed so pissed off all the time and the insistence was that we were always welcome and should absolutely be staying fo the full weekends.