Is MN weird and, if so, why is that? AIBU?

[lumity]

Is MN quite a strange forum in the sense that there seems to be a hardcore contingency of posters who seem to take it upon themselves to uphold a MN “ dogma” on frequently recurring topics, such as -

Marriage proposals - apparently nobody should expect this anymore. Instead we should just “sit him down..,” and have a “proper” discussion

SAHMs - all are financially vulnerable and downtrodden and nobody should ever be financially dependent on a man

Dating - pay for yourself or he’ll definitely be expecting sex

Finances - separate finances are to be aspired to in all relationships

Surnames - if you don’t keep you’re own name on marriage, you’re a dimwit

AIBU to think that on MN there is a “party line” on these kind of issues, yet this doesn’t really reflect real life?

I’d say the opposite on the finances , I see plenty of people lambasted for keeping their own finances when you’re a couple and everything should be shared.

Dating - pay for yourself or he’ll definitely be expecting sex

It’s nothing to do with him expecting sex. It’s about women not expecting men to pay simply because they’re men.

Posters have opinions. It’s not that surprising that they post about them. Every forum is the same.

From the issues you’ve picked, it seems like you have a problem with feminists. I wonder why that could be.

From the issues you’ve picked, it seems like you have a problem with feminists. I wonder why that could be

Exactly what I was going to say!

Well, I agree with all of those statements in real life but I see the opposite view on MN a lot so I don’t think you’re right about those things being the ‘party line’.

I would disagree with ‘if a man pays he’s expecting sex’ it’s not that black and white, but agree paying for yourself is better

No I’m not a man.

I just see the same responses, assumed as fact and as if it’s the “MN position“ so that it All becomes self-perpetuating, if that makes sense? Almost like a hive mind in a way because people tend to use the same phrases too?

Marriage proposals - I think it's more that women who have had kids and set up home with a man but then sit around waiting for a man to propose really ought to be able to have a conversation with him.

Sahms are financially vulnerable. I've seen it plently of times irl. I wouldn't advise anyone to be dependent on anyone else.

Dating - never seen anyone say that.

Finances - I've usually seen posters banging on about how joint finances are the only way.

Surnames - never seen anyone called a dimwit over this. Just posters stating you don't have to change your surname when you marry. Amongst my group of friends we see it as old fashioned but that's all.

It's weird for other stuff though. Mainly food!

The same phrases definitely crop up a lot and there are whole threads about said phrases annoying people. My particular most hated are ducks in a row, boils my piss and not my circus etc. Very few people ever say any of these in rl.

I don’t think there is a party line. There are plenty of people with opposing views to those just mentioned, on here.

I agree *muchbetter”. Plus the often suggested “did you mean you be so rude?” when anyone has said something you don’t like. The obvious response is “yes”.

There was a thread this week about a woman who was wondering if her DH was proposing or what the hell he was doing. It was like a chorus of people using the phrase, “sit him down..,.” I mean, I see the practicality of that approach, but it seemed obvious to me that if she wanted to do that, she could have done it at any time. And in actual fact, I don’t know anyone who has sat anyone down and got engaged that way (or would want to, to be perfectly honest). Yet this us the standard MN response on any engagement thread, or so it seems to me.

Also - “Go no contact.” Nobody says this in RL, yet in here it’s just dropped in as if it’s easy and perfectly standard. “MIL bothering you? Go no contact.,,”

Marriage proposals - if you and your DP are in a serious enough relationship for one or the other of you to be thinking about marriage then you're in a serious enough relationship for you to be able to sensibly sit down and talk about where you're headed (e.g., is marriage something you both want, children, etc.) as there is no sense wasting your time if you both want different things.

SAHMs - I wouldn't say all SAHMs are downtrodden but they do tend to carry the bulk of the emotional/mental load for the family which can be very tiring. I do agree though about them being financially vulnerable and I say that as a SAHM.

Dating - there are men out there, lots of them, who will expect sex if they've paid for anything on a date and plenty who will insist on paying with that in mind. They genuinely do think that an overpriced bag of popcorn and a ticket to see 'Joker' gives them certain rights.

Finances - finances are down to the individual couple, what works for some won't work for others. DH and I have a joint bank account so we each have access to 'our' money (that SAHM thing again) but separate savings accounts

Surnames - changing your name on marriage is an individual thing, some people want to and some don't but no one should be pressured into changing/keeping it if they don't want to.

Re finances; I see more threads where people are told they aren't a proper couple or a real team if they have separate finances

I say what I feel. Sometimes i agree with other posters. Sometimes not. I have not been assimilated into the Borg (or whatever the saying is in Star Trek)...!

It's no weirder than any other forum on the net so, on that basis: YABU OP.

“I say what I feel...”

I’m sure you and many do Elieza, but I do feel as if many posters just chime in with what they think is the respectable thing to say on MN.
Also, there are particular posters who only have to post about four words and loads of subsequent posters will say, “X has it!” or “What X said,” similar, even though about 100 people have made the exact same point . This is an odd phenomenon.

Sorry “similar” shouldn’t be in there

Unfortunately with marriage failure up in the 40% range, being a sahm is a risk. It’s not an opinion, it’s a statistical fact.

And in my experience, most men expect sex regardless of who pays.

I don’t think there’s a party line at all, just lots of people having the same sensible opinion about a few things based on your life experiences.

When you have seen many marriages split up and women financially stuffed afterwards, it is sensible to be cautious and point out what a vulnerable position unmarried parents who don’t work are putting themselves into.

@Elieza you are correct with your Star Trek reference

So in answer to the OP. I have seen a recurring theme with some threads and responses given but:

Marriage Proposals - I don’t really look at these threads often but I don’t think anybody CAN expect a proposal anymore. The ‘sit him down’ comment I think is basically encouraging the OP in those circumstances to seriously consider what their goals are for a relationship and to share those with their partner, if their desires are different then perhaps the relationship isn’t going to work in the long term. Probably from commenters who have been there once themselves and (like me) kick their younger selves (mentally of course) for not setting out clear wants before a relationship has progressed.

SAHM’s - I am a SAHM and I admit that I am in a precarious position financially because the current method my family lives by is dependant on my DH and his income. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly but from the perspective of financial sense, my being a SAHM would be more cost effective than trying to sort full time childcare for our toddlers when my earning potential wouldn’t cover the cost fully. As for being downtrodden etc. well we do see a lot of posts for SAHM’s who have gone through a shit time and that probably skews perspective between what we’re advising for on this forum vs. the realities for women who are not in such a position. After all I doubt a woman would come here just to post “I’m a SAHM, DH works full time, he still does a lot around the house and things are working out great! Thanks for reading.”.

Dating - Haven’t seen what you’ve mentioned myself, but then I don’t frequent the relationships board.

Finances - I have seen a lot of posters insisting on seperate finances in couples but less so with a family. Sometimes I have noticed the response on this can be gender biased but usually (based purely on my anecdotal evidence) I’ve seen people encourage a woman to keep control of her own money as best they can in case something goes wrong in future, but if a poster states their Husband or Partner insists on separate finances and there are children involved it’s financial abuse and all money should be shared. Again I think this is skewed by the topics posted quite frequently on AIBU in particular, but I don’t think there is any deliberate agenda.

Surnames - only ever seen this as a topic when a woman wants to give her own surname to her child or where baby isn’t born yet and the Father has walked away from the relationship but still demands his name be used. Not seen it in relation to marriage.

There are a lot of repeating phrases/advice but honestly there’s a lot of repeating threads with different OP’s struggling with similar issues to several others so I can see why commenters lean towards a ‘standard reply’ sort of mentality.

Marriage proposals - apparently nobody should expect this anymore. Instead we should just “sit him down..,” and have a “proper” discussion What's so silly is that usually the couple have had the proper discussion and have decided that they want to get married, then the woman sits around waiting for the man to "propose". They've done that bit when they had the discussion - one or other of them, but whatever long winded route, proposed the idea of marriage and the other agreed. So nothing at all strange about many MN-ers suggesting they should just sit down and talk, instead of getting into a state because the re-enactment of the proposal hasn't yet happened.

I think (hope?) MN doesn't reflect real life on many issues, but I don't think the OP has identified any of them in her list.

I don't see a mumsnet party line - I think some of the things you've listed are just common sense, and others are quite contested, eg finances. But if you're looking for someone to say women should sit in a corner and shut up, you've probably come to the wrong place!

Yes I do agree OP but also I would say that a lot of the advice is pragmatic - rather unromantic but certainly sensible.

I do struggle with the going NC with family members but then I'm of an era when you put up with difficult and annoying relatives then went away and had a laugh about it. No-one I knew went NC with PIL but we did have a laugh about their ridiculousness and would bond over difficult MILs or FILs or even SILs.
The other one I can't be doing with is LTB for the slightest misdemeanor. I saw a thread recently where some chap had been a bit of a dick and made a silly judgment call but the OP was told he was controlling and she should leave immediately - many posters jumping on the bandwagon - this would have disrupted her entire family, left her in a precarious position financially, and left her as a single parent with young children to care for.

Some of the advice can be sage but some if it is a little over-precious.