AIBU to cancel Christmas with my parents?

[Itsinthefridge]

I have always had a tricky relations with DPs They've never really accepted that I've grown up and have my own family (I'm nearly 50!) (I know....) They don't like my husband and have shown a cursory amount of interest in the kids, always visiting on a week day so they only see them after school and never inviting us to their house. I decided I didn't want to lose touch with them completely and so for the last 4 or 5 years I have largely seen them on my own, apart from the type of visit mentioned above. Recently my DM has started going on about how rude the kids are because they never write to her or go and see her. Being reasonable (stupid) I did take then down for a weekend with my husband which ended up in a low level row (they are teenage boys!) I also took my older DS down on his own. He has learning difficulties and struggles conversationally, but they ignored him anyway. Now my DM tells me she is only giving them a small Christmas present to make the point about the letter writing! She is still expecting us to all meet up at a neutral venue at Christmas (this is what we always do) I should have told them to F* off years ago, but they are my parents. Is it too late to take a stand??? They are both nearly 80....

"Hell mend you" is the appropriate response to their "least said soonest mended" but taking them at their word and leaving them to it demonstrates the sentiment in action.

I agree with all the others urging you to put you and your family first.

It's silly to do something you dont want to simply because they are in their 80s. My GM lived to 99 and DHs GM has been on deaths door (apparently) since we got together - and we're now a marriage, house and DD down the line with her going strong! A lot of families are overcome by FOG but it's not a good way to model relationships for your DC. I suspect there are many other issues with your DPs that you haven't spoken about as they don't exactly sound like dating and involved GPs. Are they quite narcissistic because MIL is like this with DC in the family. She loves them until they express their own opinion and then berates them for minor infractions (a cousin simply asked 'what are we doing today' and apparently that makes them entitled because they were expecting to go somewhere? He was only 6!).

We were forced to suffer my toxic and abusive grandfather every xmas because my DM desperately wanted his approval. He died without her ever having had a decent relationship with him because he just wasnt a very nice man. Meanwhile all xmas days growing up were utterly dictated by their visits. Spend time with your DC doing what you want for a change.

We were forced to suffer my toxic and abusive grandfather every xmas because my DM desperately wanted his approval. He died without her ever having had a decent relationship with him because he just wasnt a very nice man. Meanwhile all xmas days growing up were utterly dictated by their visits. Spend time with your DC doing what you want for a change.

Same here!! Exactly the same. I actually feel that our family Christmases were blighted by my grandfather and the effect of his moods on the rest of the family (he had schizophrenia, which resulted in alcoholism, severe violence and terrifying anger). Every November I feel myself getting tense, and then relaxing as my brain registers that I don't have to deal with it any longer.

If you receive the gifts in person then no thank-you letter is required.

It means they've turned themselves INSIDE OUT to try and find a response which they can come back with! Hahaha.

You could send them stratospheric by replying 'That's very magnanimous of you. I will pass your apology on to DS1'

Another good option:

'That's very true. I trust, in that case, that this will be the last mention of handwritten letters being required of the boys. Best wishes'

Was it just a meet up to swap gifts before Christmas or was it actual Christmas dinner?

Do you never have a conversation with your parents about this stuff? Texting and so on seems very inadequate.

Personally, I'd visit before Christmas and leave it at that.

'Lease said soonest mended' - drives me nuts!! My SM (M for Monster) is really happy to have a 'conversation' when it's her lecturing others and sharing her 'wisdom' with others but it not interested in hearing anyone else's thoughts or ideas. This saying is just an excuse for taking a unilateral decision to end a conversations which has not gone the way the person hoped. Invariably it's the person who started the conversation who then ends it when the other person dares to not be cowed by them!

Their answer tells you everything, OP. They won't ever be reasonable; they will never have the remotest modicum of insight. If you press them on why there are two sides, they will simply try to make it your fault. But you know all this.

I distanced myself from my mother towards the end of her life; and I chose not to be there when she died. I won't say I don't have regrets, but those regrets are far outweighed by what I needed to do to save myself and my sanity, and to stop subjecting myself to a set of circumstances that had become unbearable.

@Sunglasslover Spot on!!! That is it exactly!! I'm so envious of people who can just talk about this stuff with their parents. But I can tell from this thread I am far from alone and that is so comforting. @AFistfulofDolores, I'm so sorry. I completely understand the decision you made and am going to do the same if I am brave enough. It's scary how much it hurts, but how easy it is to keep hoping things might change and keep going back for more.

Another point worth making, although I'm sure everyone's fed up with me now, is that the meet up is in a restaurant a whole week before Christmas. They've never wanted to spend Christmas with the kids. They liked to go a posh restaurant with my single, enabler brother.

Start close in,
don’t take the second step
or the third,
start with the first
thing
close in,
the step
you don’t want to take.

Start with
the ground
you know,
the pale ground
beneath your feet,
your own
way of starting
the conversation.

Start with your own
question,
give up on other
people’s questions,
don’t let them
smother something
simple.

To find
another’s voice,
follow
your own voice,
wait until
that voice
becomes a
private ear
listening
to another.

Start right now
take a small step
you can call your own
don’t follow
someone else’s
heroics, be humble
and focused,
start close in,
don’t mistake
that other
for your own.

Start close in,
don’t take
the second step
or the third,
start with the first
thing
close in,
the step
you don’t want to take.

~David Whyte

It's good to set the terms yourself for the relationship. So you decide when and where you have contact and for how long. In a difficult relationship like this distance in the relationship is healthy.

So you can ask parents to ring before they come round and if your dc choose to be out I would be fine with that. Also fine for them to literally say hello then retire to their bedrooms. And rearrange parents if not convenient for you or you are simply not in the mood. Make them leave whenever you have had enough.

If they don't want to visit with you that's fine and tell parents they were busy. If parents moan about this tell them that you respect the dc's decision and expect parents to as well.

Don't phone them weekly if you don't want to. And don't over share with them when you do. Don't be desperate to PLEASE your parents - that is not your responsibility.

Should read

If the dc don't want to visit with you that's fine and tell parents they were busy. If parents moan about this tell them that you respect the dc's decision and expect parents to as well.

My suggestion is to visit them before Xmas on 14th for a small gathering mince pies etc. Your obligation and guilt will be assuaged then you can enjoy your Xmas with your family without their nastiness. Good luck OP I have a similar situation so you have my sympathy.