AIBU to cancel Christmas with my parents?

[Itsinthefridge]

I have always had a tricky relations with DPs They've never really accepted that I've grown up and have my own family (I'm nearly 50!) (I know....) They don't like my husband and have shown a cursory amount of interest in the kids, always visiting on a week day so they only see them after school and never inviting us to their house. I decided I didn't want to lose touch with them completely and so for the last 4 or 5 years I have largely seen them on my own, apart from the type of visit mentioned above. Recently my DM has started going on about how rude the kids are because they never write to her or go and see her. Being reasonable (stupid) I did take then down for a weekend with my husband which ended up in a low level row (they are teenage boys!) I also took my older DS down on his own. He has learning difficulties and struggles conversationally, but they ignored him anyway. Now my DM tells me she is only giving them a small Christmas present to make the point about the letter writing! She is still expecting us to all meet up at a neutral venue at Christmas (this is what we always do) I should have told them to F* off years ago, but they are my parents. Is it too late to take a stand??? They are both nearly 80....

They phone to thank for presents on their birthdays. My DM never phones me, ever. I call once a week, she never asks to speak to the kids.

There's no way to say this without it being morbid.

They're 80. Might not have much of an innings left. Sound like pretty poor parents, and you shoulder more than you should, as many of us do, because they are, well, your parents.

The way I would look at this, would be, (hear me out ) what if they both popped their clogs two weeks later? Would you feel relief that you didn't make their last Christmas a miserable one, after all, you've let them get to 80 without rocking the boat. This, by the way, is categorically not about their feelings, it's about yours.

Or, would you feel like you'd missed the opportunity to tell them exactly how they've treated you all. The last chance to stand up for yourself and your family. Would it bring you any peace or closure to let them know now?

Which do you feel most drawn too?

Yanbu. Cancel feel empowered enjoy your peaceful Christmas x

Does your mother mean they don't write thank you letters? Because if that's what she means, I don't blame her. I stopped sending presents to two of my Grandchildren when they were 17. I'd never even received a text message to thank me or to tell me that their presents had arrived, so I just stopped buying!

@Courtney555 It's a very good point. In fact the recent death from cancer of a much younger relative, my DH's sister, has focused my mind. I think I feel more drawn to option 2. I've kept compromising for years worrying about how I would feel if they died and we'd fallen out. Part of the problem is DM is much worse than DD, but she's a tyrant indulged by both DD and DB (who is single!) so I'm up against it.

@Itsinthefridge send @FizzyGreenWater message.

@81Byerley I agree about thank you letters. They do thank on the phone. She wants something more, which is fine, if she had ever shown any interest in them before.

I agree, say your family will not be meeting up this year. Tell them not to bother with gifts. Use the money you were going to spend on their presents, on the DC instead. What a relief it will be for you all not to have to go through this charade.

Cancel the visit. Send a boxed cactus as their joint gift.

I really liked this idea!

where is your dad in all of this? Is it only your mum who's alive now? You don't mention your dad.

Seeing her side of it, she's of a generation when they expect thank you letters but a phone call will be enough .

But not visiting you to see your DCs etc sounds horrible. Was it always like this or did they find 2 young boys just 'too much' if they were noisy and your parents were old?

Is there any way you can actually talk to her about this?
I'd be inclined to try to be open and say you never found her welcoming to your DH, they never paid much attention to your sons, and it's not realistic to expect family times at Christmas given the back story.
Maybe you need to be truthful?

If you can't be, I'd say meet them for a lunch either before or after Christmas, if you feel you must do something.

It’s not mean or cruel to say that this Christmas arrangement clearly isn’t working for any of you particularly well so to leave it and meet another time. Gifts are of very low importance if given grudgingly.

No need to fall out but definitely your own family are more important. Being old doesn’t trump everyone else’s wishes.

My FIL has been calling the Christmas shots for years and years and is now 92 and going fairly strong. I’ve had enough of always having to compromise Christmas to his requirements and am going to please the rest of us this year.

I suggest you do exactly the same.

FizzyGreenWaterMon 18-Nov-19 11:07:08
'Hi Mum, yes I agree that it's probably far healthier if we're all honest with one another! A small present is absolutely fine if you feel you need to make your point, we totally understand. As for us, I should say that I was disappointed in how rude you were last time we came down - you know DS1 struggles with conversation yet you still ignored him, while still harping sanctimoniously on and on about the boys writing to you. He doesn't really want to do the usual Xmas meet up, neither do I, so in the new spirit of honesty we're cancelling rather than humouring the situation. Have a good Xmas!'
...........
I agree with every word of what Fuzzy says and I see that you have acted on her/his suggestion. Good for you! Your parents are unreasonable. It is such a shame because they are the ones who will miss out most of all in the end however you are right not to go along with what they want. You and your children must take priority.

Well done.

Jaxhog Mon 18-Nov-19 12:36:34
Cancel the visit. Send a boxed cactus as their joint gift.
......

Wonderful!

Book a holiday or a mini break and give yourselves the christmas off. If you can't afford that just simply say you are having a christmas on your own this year for a change.

No need to make a big deal, just simply tell them you are doing things differently. I would organise a christmas tea another day around christmas and say the children are busy revising if they don't want to come.

I suspect your children (and husband) can not bear the way your parents treat you, so have distanced themselves.

I would continue as you are, see them when it fits in with you and don't force it on your teen dc. We have the same problem, and I manage things in a similar way but I do not feel obligated to see them every christmas. Do you have siblings that can take over this year?

At 80 odd you could be living under this cloud of awfulness and obligation for another 15 or more years so it’s worth considering how you’d feel if you cancel it this year and one or both of them dies suddenly. But my DM spent 6 or 7 years dashing across the world to see my GM who was frequently “about to die” and putting her own life on hold and things soured in the last couple of years, despite her every possible effort trying to be good enough for her mum to be nice to her - fucking heartbreaking to see - that at the eventual end it was clear to everyone that nothing she did had made a difference, it was wasted energy maintains a corrosive dynamic. The sheer relief when she died was immense. My tears were for the parents my DM deserved and didn’t get, the wasted years trying to placate and please them, the pain it all caused my entire family.

You are not breaking off all contact, you just will not be spending Christmas with them. You are not leaving an older person by themselves on Christmas Day.

So cancel, and I suggest you ask them to donate to charity instead of presents.

The OP has already sent fizzy's text and thinks she would regret not having made a stand if they were to die tomorrow!

Oh OP! Well done and now DETACH. Radio silence is good. Bet that brought her up short. That's the problem with harping on about manners, if you're going to do that, you'd better make sure that your own are impeccable...

I am so sorry to hear about your DH's sister

Life is short. Don't waste it keeping unreasonable people happy.

I am amazed at how much some of us pander to elderly parents at Christmas and believe me I have my own thread and my own issues on this. That said, I don't have to spend Christmas with my in-laws or my own family if I don't want to.

I get stung on presents big time (I've got a thread on it) but I will never make my DC have a miserable Christmas just to make miserable and demanding GP's happy even with the threat of them popping their clogs. One thing I am happy about is that my DC love Christmas at our house. They also tell me they don't want any guests. I'm glad they have positive association about having Christmas at home.

Live update! I have received an email from DM & DD saying 'there are 2 sides to every story, but least said soonest mended' WTF?! We never discuss anything in our family, just bottle it up. Might go and lie in darkened room...

What does that mean, “least said soonest mended?”

Ah, in other words "we are not interested in discussing our own behaviour and have no justification for it, so just forget it and lets go back to what WE think YOU need to change".

Oh ok, so they mean... “We can’t really justify ourselves so let’s just gloss over the whole thing and never mind, eh? And see you as required this Xmas. Lovely”

WTF oh I can translate this for you. It means that ‘you and your family have always been the bad people in this relationship. They have been saintly and have nothing to reproach themselves for. There are so many things they could have said over the years but have kept their mouths closed’ Or if my mother, ‘ yes well your father always said you were a bad one but I have taken your side against him for your sakes’

Send a reply saying you agree, and leave it at that!!!

Let them come back to you with alternative christmas arrangements, and don't feel guilty. It is very very unkind of them to ignore your children when you see them, and it could be reinforcing the difficulties your teen child/children are facing. I would not stand for that, even if that was the only problem!!

Let it lie now, arrange a super fun christmas for you and your boys, and let them reflect on their own part in this (or not) Either way you do not owe them every christmas!

Don't lie in a darkened room. You've sent a message acknowledging how she wants to proceed, and that it's ok with you, and in accordance with the new found honesty, will not be meeting up at Christmas.

She's replied with a wishy-washy non response, hinting that you're not being accountable for your behaviour, which is why of course she acts the way she does

Just leave it now. You've said your (perfectly reasonable) piece, and she just couldn't help herself.

Kill it with kindness. Maybe something like "I completely understand. Look forward to seeing you both in the New Year". Then let her spend Christmas reflecting on it while you and your family can finally relax.