To worry that I haven't got a career and that I'm unemployable at 40

[CareerCrisisAt40]

I am 40 in a few days

I've been lucky, dh is a fairly high earner so I've not had to work much since I started having dc at 26. I have 3, they're 13, 10 and 5

I do work...I have had a self employed cleaning business for 9 years but basically I do 3 to 4 hours a day and earn about £200 a week which is nothing to some people on here I know. But it pays for our fun stuff as a family and covers kids clothes and stuff

I love my job and my clients but tbh I'm starting to feel like a bit of a failure. I started doing the cleaning just to fit around the children, I didn't envisage doing it at this age. No career or proper job at 40, it's a bit tragic really isn't it 😢

I see my friends going off doing high flying jobs despite having dc and I just feel like my cleaning work is a bit pathetic. I also worry as being self employed I've got no workplace pension so I need to consider that.

I literally do not know what to do with the rest of my life. I don't know where to start, I just feel a bit lost. My work before dc was just office work. I've also worked at home start recently as a volunteer home visitor supporting families, I loved that but quit as I ended up falling out with my manager 🤦‍♀️

Not even sure what the point of this post is tbh

OP I would suggest that you go to some local face to face networking groups, get to know other business people and see what opportunities arise. Networking is about building relationships, not selling, so you may be surprised at what comes out of them. I know one lady who went along to one, not really knowing what she wanted out of life once she had kids, and over time ended up starting a photography business and buying a holiday cottage through contacts she made.

By all means do something else if that's what you want, but don't minimise your contribution or achievements. £840 a month after wraparound and holiday childcare costs is much more than a lot of secondary earners with bigger salaries than you are adding to the family pot. What you have is something that many people would find highly aspirational: a significant second income that allows you to be around for the children.

"I dunno I just feel a bit of a failure atm ...I have a good lifestyle and a lovely house that my friends envy. but tbh i feel a fraud I haven't got it through my own merits it's cos of DH salary we could buy it. I feel ashamed I've not paid towards it I don't even pay anything towards the mortgage."

I think you are looking at this all wrong. Your DH hasn't built this life on his own you have done it as a team. He might have been able to buy a big fancy house alone but the house is only part of your lives together. As a team you are able to raise your family and have a good life. The bulk of his contribution might be work outside the family and money with your contribution split between work for your family and outside the home.

If you feel you don't deserve the lifestyle you have think about how far your DH would have got holding down his job and raising your three children alone. It would have been a massive struggle and I doubt he would have such a lovely home.

You are lucky to enjoy your job and like your clients. Look for a new job if you like but for the right reasons : which are that you are excited about work in a new sector and that it will benefit you and your family (and not because x, y and z have fancy job titles and can compete about who is the most stressed out). Be very careful what you wish for as making life harder for yourself and your kids e.g. not being available for school runs/activities/playdates etc, when you don't even need the money, is not to be taken lightly.

You do need to think about your pension arrangements. Can you join one ASAP and add as much as possible. Would you get a widows pension from your husband's pension if he dies before or after starting to take it? Do you have savings or investments as a family? Do either of you have life or critical illness insurance? All questions you need to think about.

"Nothing to some people on here"

Comparison is the theft of joy... there are people on here who would give anything to earn enough to support their family and still be around for emotional and practical tasks in the evening.

That after school time is unpaid but priceless.

Also, don't believe everything you read on here!!

By all means retrain or expand but don't minimise your achievements.

Thanks so much for all the new replies there's a lot of inspiration there. And a lot to think about.

I think what I need to do though first and foremost is sort my pension out. I literally do not know where to start with that though. Someone mentioned I need to check I've made enough NI contributions, how do I do that? And where does one start with a private pension?

You have worked and you have experience

Focus on your experience and skill
And ignore the high flyers . Apart from the money it’s not all it’s cracked up to be

If you loved that home start work that’s a
Place to start ?

I have a private pension through Nest. Very easy to set up and run yourself.

Go here to check your NI record.

If you've been claiming child benefit yourself rather than DH doing it you will have got some contributions even if you've not paid it through your tax returns.

Husband is high earner so they won’t be entitled to child benefit.

How about doing a psychology or counselling course? I would have loved to change careers and go into eg educational psychology at 40 but I was too invested in the qualifications I had already.

Not having a degree etc is liberating in a way, especially as your DH is earning well, as it gives you a ‘blank canvas’ to think of a career that you find interesting.

This is a good time to stop and think about it. It’s amazing how the years roll by.

It’s true that you have 25+ years of potential career ahead of you, but it’s also true that you really need to have ‘decided’ on your new path, if any, by your mid40s. It is so hard to change job, let alone career, in your 50s!!

@Dollymixture22

We are just below the threshold for child benefit so I've received it since my eldest was born and we still receive it

@Figmentofmyimagination

I would LOVE to do counselling but doesn't it take absolutely years to qualify?

I was going to suggest you set up a cleaning agency and you are the the owner/administrator, not a cleaner. But your previous posts suggest you'd hate that responsibility and stress.

I imagine being a social worker would be enormously stressful. You could train as a SENCO or school counsellor if you enjoyed doing Home Start. Not a huge earner but a rewarding job. The people I know who work in Learning Support all love their jobs and stay in them for years very happily. You could study Child Psychology.

But don't devalue or underestimate the fantastic advantage your family have of you bringing in a significant amount each week whilst ebing around for the family and providing a stable, lovely and loving home. That's worth more than any salary.

watching as in a similar position

Thanks @newdeer

And @ARoomWithoutADoor sorry to hear you're in a similar position

I just feel so lost. I've had "the" birthday now. It was shit. and tbh I've barely stopped crying since

I don't think it's just the lack of career direction tbh I'm really struggling with the actual age