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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not be sure whether I am depressed or just hate by job

41 replies

Frozenfan2019 · 18/11/2019 06:56

I don't know what to do. I am on medication for depression but I thought I was pretty much back to normal. I haven't been happy at work for a couple of years but am in the process of retraining in my own time and have also been applying for jobs in another field. So far no success. The last two weeks I have woken up on monday feeling awful, unable to stop crying and just so trapped. I am sat here crying and feeling this immense dread. So now I don't know what to do. Should I just go in and face it, I've been doing it for two years and it's always worse thinkibg about it than doing it. Or should I get help? Maybe I could get signed off. But if I did it would only be for a short time and then I would have to go back and it will be harder to get another job because of my attendance record and I will feel worse about myself.

I just don't know what to do. Am I depressed or do I just hate my job? Maybe I'm just lazy. I know you can't diagnose me but I have noone to ask.

OP posts:

newdeer · 18/11/2019 07:15

Hi
Have you done any analysis on what aspect of work is filling you with such dread?
Is it the commute? The hours? The atmosphere in the office/department? The work itself? Your sense of your own competency at it? Your line management? Your peers/ your current project? The ethics of the line of work you are in? The worl load imposed versus hours in the day?

Try and home in on which of these (or other things) are what most fill you with dread. If it's something as basic as 'walking through the door' break that down. Is it the smell or design of the building? Think of each person in turn who you will interact with. How do you feel about them individually.

Try, if you can, to balance it out with anything tangible that you do enjoy. Are there any friendly co-workers or clients? Good coffee? See if you can picture in your mind a day routine punctuated by small highlights. Does that make you feel any better?

Also, sorry if I'm stating the obvious, but do make sure your Vitamin B & D levels are good, as lack of both these cause anxiety, and D in particular is low this time of year in most Brits. Get a Vit D spray and a good B multivitamin supplement.

And if you need a day off, take one. You are not a machine. Give yourself a day to sort yourself out - get vitamins, do some cognitive work. as suggested above, and see how you feel tomorrow morning. It's a cliche but life really is too short to live it in permanent dread over something like work. Very good luck with your retraining and job applications.

RedSheep73 · 18/11/2019 07:19

Tbh honest unless you are actually physically incapable I think you are better off going in. In my experience people staying off with depression seem to get worse, not better.

Original poster

Frozenfan2019 · 18/11/2019 07:21

Thank you. It's the actual work itself. I am a teacher.

OP posts:

Original poster

Frozenfan2019 · 18/11/2019 07:22

I am on my way in now. I would just hate myself if I didn't go in and I don't think it would help.

OP posts:

Fakeflowersaremynewnormal · 18/11/2019 07:27

A lot of people hate their job (especially teachers) but being unable to stop crying at the thought of it sounds more like depression. Maybe you need your medication reviewed?

Redlocks28 · 18/11/2019 07:27

Thank you. It's the actual work itself. I am a teacher.

I somehow knew you were going to say that before you said it.

What’s the retraining in? Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss. I felt the same as you about 5/6 years ago and swapped schools. That didn’t help but it did allow me to change direction somewhat and I’m much happier now.

Could you do supply?

wherehavealltheflowersgone · 18/11/2019 07:29

I could have written this post OP and I'm also a teacher. No ideas myself but I'm going to follow @newdeer 's advice though.

Original poster

Frozenfan2019 · 18/11/2019 07:35

I've just pulled over again. I can't stop crying. I can't go in like this can I? I just feel so conflicted because on the one hand I feel I should see my Gp but on the other hand I don't want work to know about this and I don't want to make things worse by making my attendance an issue. I have had 3 days off already this term. One was for a sick child but the other two were my illness.
It's not like I can escape anytime soon. I need my job.

OP posts:

Redlocks28 · 18/11/2019 07:39

What do you teach? Do you have a sympathetic line manager?

I was quite envious of my cousin who had a period of time off work with stress. She’s a nurse and was off for 4/5 months. The shifts were rearranged and nobody was actually covering her. She properly relaxed, felt better and went back. As a teacher-that is just so different because you have your ‘own’ class and they just badger you till you come back! Well, my old school did.

BanginChoons · 18/11/2019 07:40

OP I think you should take a few days off and see the GP. Depression is as valid as any physical illness.

newdeer · 18/11/2019 07:41

OP you are not well enough to work. You don't need to judge yourself for being so ill. You need to be kind to yourself and get well. Phone in sick right now so they have time to get a cover in for today. Then make an emergency appointment with your GP. I have been in the state you are in and ime, it is a sign that the depression is no longer manageable without medical help.

I am sorry you are having such a tough time. Teachers are not supported, paid or respected as they should be in our society. You're not alone in finding it impossible to thrive in your profession.

Keepmewarm · 18/11/2019 07:42

Go home. Phone your GP and see if you can get an appointment.
Whether it’s the job or the depression you can’t go on like this.
When was the last time your medication was reviewed?
I am in the same situation. I’m a nurse rather than a teacher. It’s horrible.
Hope you feel better soon.

HappyHarlot · 18/11/2019 07:43

Go home OP and ring in sick. Then make a GP appointment. As a pp said, hating your job is one thing, being in tears is another. Look after yourself.

Original poster

Frozenfan2019 · 18/11/2019 07:54

Thank you everyone.i have pulled over and contacted work. I will try and get an emergency GP appointment. I decided to tell work the truth which I have never done before.

Redlocks28 I actually have changed my job and am at a really supportive school now. I am retraining as an accountant. It just takes time.

I am a secondary teacher and feel like I just go in everyday to be verbally abused and made to feel (by kids not staff) that I am a failure, can't do my job and am rubbish. It's not all of them of course and it's not everyday but some days are just so awful. Even now I've made the decision I am still crying. I am half way through my life and have made such a mess of my career.

OP posts:

Redlocks28 · 18/11/2019 07:56

I am half way through my life and have made such a mess of my career.

I think you can largely blame politicians and Ofsted for the mess, not yourself.

Take it easy. How long will it take you to qualify as an accountant?

SandraOhshair · 18/11/2019 07:59

Dont go in. Get a docs appointment. My good friend was like you but she just carried on and ended up having what used to be called a nervous breakdown. Dont leave it to get to that point. You wont be the first or last teacher to do this. The pressure is immense.

Original poster

Frozenfan2019 · 18/11/2019 07:59

Thank you everyone for being kind. It will take years to be an accountat but I am hopefully going to do bookkeeping first and that is the course I am studying. I think I should be able to do that in about another six months or so. I don't know if anyone will hire me with no experience though. At least it's something to hope for.

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 18/11/2019 08:00

You poor thing, you are in no fit state to drive let alone work. Get home safely.

Mrstwiddle · 18/11/2019 08:06

I remember driving to work at a particularly challenging secondary school and being in tears, would occasionally think about driving into a ditch to avoid going in, it was a miserable existence. Was fortunate to get a job at a lovely sixth form after 3 months, but I always wondered how the other staff could stick it out there, the kids were awful.

Marmalady75 · 18/11/2019 08:08

I’m a teacher and took some time off for depression. At first I felt worse being off - guilty at letting my nice kids down (not the horrors that had been the final straw), but it got better. I had time to rest and think. I went for lots of walks and that helped me to focus.
OP - you are not a failure because you are struggling at the moment. You’ve made a brave decision to retrain and I applaud that. It seems to me that people can have a whole host of jobs and careers nowadays. My sister has trained for so many jobs, does them until she is bored and then changes.

Mrstwiddle · 18/11/2019 08:08

Secondary schools are definitely considerably harder than working in further education if that might be an option for you? Even if it’s only short term.

Emeraldshamrock · 18/11/2019 08:10

I am a secondary teacher and feel like I just go in everyday to be verbally abused and made to feel (by kids not staff) that I am a failure
Lil shit bags I wonder do these teens realise what they are causing.
I am sorry OP.
Get well soon, your health is your main priority.

Emmapeeler1 · 18/11/2019 08:15

Hi OP, so sorry you are feeling this way. I didn’t even make it to teaching so you sound like a superwoman to me. I think a GP visit is a good idea. Not being able to drive to work because you are crying sounds not normal. Even a week off would help you.

On accountancy, I work for a local authority and there are things like children’s services finance teams. Many ex-teachers at the council also. Could you work somewhere like that while retraining?

Original poster

Frozenfan2019 · 18/11/2019 08:27

@Emeraldshamrock. Thanks you've cheered me up I wonder do these teens realise what they are causing. They don't and the last thing I would want is to blame them. They are children. It's a normal part of their development to push back and be difficult. It's just not something I am coping very well with anymore. I just want to feel like I am making a positive difference but I'm not. I'm not at a tough school, my school is high achieving but it's comprehensive so has its difficult classes. I am lost and out of my depth. I've been teaching for years but I was stronger and able to put more of myself in before I had kids of my own.

@Emmapeeler1 thanks. I might look into stuff like that. I have applied for a couple of higher education roles but I don't really feel passionate about that either. Apart from weekend and evening jobs as a teen and at uni I have only ever taught so I feel unqualified to apply for anything else and don't even know where to start!

OP posts:

cherryblossomgin · 18/11/2019 08:27

Do you think it could be seasonal depression? I have an anxiety disorder which sometimes causes low mood. In the winter I become very depressed this is year three of it and I've got the hang off it now. I up my antidepressants. For me it's like a black cloud hangs over me and life just feels harder. It clears around January.

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