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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit nervous about 2 y/o daughter being a flower girl

37 replies

RoseAdagio · 17/11/2019 19:25

Its for my sister in law who absolutely adores our little girl, so we don't want to let her down. I suspect if the stars all align and it works well, my daughter would also have enormous fun throwing rose petals around and wearing a pretty dress and stuff like that. It would also be lovely for my daughter when she's older to feel like she was a part of something like that, even though she won't remember it. So far so good.

The issues are -
1pm church ceremony. She is currently 20 months old and naps between 12.30-2.00/2.30 (roughly, ish, with some variations). I'm guessing a church ceremony probably takes an hour?

Also, even if we can make her nap times work for the day - she is a toddler, toddlers do not like to sit still and be quiet, and I don't want her to ruin the ceremony for everyone else (including bride and groom) by kicking off if she gets bored. Or by loudly announcing that she has done a poo and needs changing or something like that.

Erm....help!? Any tips on how to manage gratefully received as I don't want to let them down!

Any practical tips for how to manage this gratefully received!

OP posts:
Thehop · 17/11/2019 19:29

I felt just like this when my dd godmother asked her.

When is the wedding?

CastleCrasher · 17/11/2019 19:30

How long until the wedding?
My dad was flower girl at a similar age. It was fine, I assisted her naps over the course of about a week beforehand so she had one just before the wedding. Sat strategically so I could nab her and make a quick exit of she got cranky. Kept lots of snacks on hand, and a couple of small, quiet toys just in case. She was brilliant, and totally fascinated by all the lights, pretty dresses etc so needed no other entertainment. I was probably more relaxed having planned for it though!
DH and I booked a room at the hotel even though it was quite local, and I was glad we did as DD napped between service and reception so was great for the evening meal too! Good luck Smile

IggyAce · 17/11/2019 19:31

If she starts kicking off during the ceremony just take her out. Be prepared to bribe her with sweets or chocolate (white choc buttons are perfect).
Most of all don’t expect too much from her and be prepared that you may end up walking/carrying her up the aisle.

MabelMoo23 · 17/11/2019 19:31

I’m afraid I have no tips, our 23.5 month old (so basically 2 weeks before turning 2) was a flower girl for my best friend. It was horrendous. She refused to wear the shoes so walked down the aisle in pink trainers and got upset because she couldn’t see me when she walked in (I’d only sat down 10 seconds earlier) and started getting upset with all these people standing up looking at her

It was too much for her, a) I wish my friend hadn’t asked and b) I wish I’d said no but I was worried it made me sound ungrateful. When actually I should’ve put my little girl first

Sorry I know that probably wasn’t what you wanted to hear

user1493413286 · 17/11/2019 19:33

I would aim to get through the walking down the aisle part and be prepared to take her out afterwards if needed. My DD is being a flower girl soon, she will nearly be 3 and I’m not confident that she will manage it all but keeping her in good spirits and not drowning out the wedding if she gets upset are my priorities

user1493413286 · 17/11/2019 19:35

I’m also going to make sure that I (or someone else) walls down the aisle with her, I’m a bridesmaid so it wouldn’t be weird but I know she won’t be able to do it by herself, all the people would just be too much

CAG12 · 17/11/2019 19:37

I hate this tradition of having very young children as flower girls. It always ends badly. I think ive been to 3 weddings with young flower girls and theyve either been carried down the aisle by mum, burst into tears half way down the aisle or screamed at the start because of all the people staring.

Berrylove · 17/11/2019 19:37

I don’t really have any tips to stop her having a tantrum but what I will say is if they’ve made the decision to have her as a flower girl then they’ve already accepted the fact that kids are kids and things aren’t guaranteed to run smoothly.
I’ve just been i a wedding where I was terrified my baby was going to start screaming during the ceremony but she was actually good as good the whole way through and it was in fact one of the couples own children that was being noisy, but it didn’t bother them and the ceremony went on as normal.

If things go wrong and she gets unhappy try to calm her down or if it’s that bad just take her out, it’s that simple. You could bring her a toy to try and entertain or make a promise of a treat afterwards if she’s good. Other than that, there’s no point stressing over it, as like my daughter, she may behave amazingly and you’ll wonder why you were ever worried.

crispysausagerolls · 17/11/2019 19:39

Don’t do it!!!!

PuntasticUsername · 17/11/2019 19:57

I had my 2yo god daughter as a bridesmaid. She did brilliantly. Yes, she ran around and chattered a lot, but we were very laid back about children at the service and everyone thought she was adorable. It was lovely to have her as part of the day. So as long as everyone doesn't expect too much of a toddler, it can work out fine!

elliejjtiny · 17/11/2019 20:04

My sister was a bridesmaid at 3. Very long catholic service. She did her thing and looked very sweet but she was so bored. In the wedding video you can see me and my mum taking her to the loo about 200 times each Grin.

MaryShelley1818 · 17/11/2019 20:08

I’m Bridesmaid for my lovely SIL next year and my MIL has kindly suggested that DS (will be 2.5) sits with his Daddy instead of being part of the Wedding Party. Personally I think it’s far too much for most toddlers.

MollyButton · 17/11/2019 20:12

I had a 2 1/2 year old as one of my bridesmaids - She was her own random self - and I didn't care. I think she spent most of the service sitting on her Mum's lap, and that was fine with me. She looked cute in the photos and I think had a good time, and it was nice to include her.

I'd have a frank talk to the bride and point out she may not co-operate on the day. But if the Bride is laid back about it, then just go with it.

Original poster
RoseAdagio · 17/11/2019 20:21

Thanks everyone! And no need to apologise for telling me it straight - I need to hear this stuff.

SIL and her fiance are older than me and both have adult kids themselves so are totally realistic about the fact she might behave unpredictably, and I am likewise fine with sitting at the end of an aisle at the back and being ready to make a hasty retreat if need be!

The ceremony is in July which is obviously ages away and I dont know what her naps will look like by then, however she is currently on one nap per day and blatantly will be too young to no longer need a nap by then, so I suspect it will be much the same as it is now in which case her body clock is going to be telling her she should be asleep then. My gut instinct at this stage is to try to get her down (very!) early for a nap beforehand, but she is pretty groggy when she wakes from her nap even if she wakes up naturally and that doesnt exactly sound like a recipe for success in terms of her being a flower girl.

Can you get flower girls that appear just during the reception? I'm guessing that's not really a thing?!

I dont want her to miss out because I'm one of those OTT mums whose obsessive about nap schedules, dont want to let SIL and her fiance (both of whom I really like) down either for the same reason!

OP posts:
AngelsWithSilverWings · 18/11/2019 08:23

My niece had just turned two at my wedding and was a flower girl. The wedding was at 2pm. She fell asleep all through the church service. She was awake for the early pre service photos and managed to walk up the aisle before crashing out but it was fine. By the time we got to the reception she was refreshed after her nap and fine again.

My own daughter was two at my sisters wedding and coped fine with the day apart for being a bit too shy to walk down the aisle so I carried her

The excitement of the day will carry her through but even if she does crash out no one will mind. It was really cute to see my niece being carried out of church fast asleep in her dad's arms.

MatildaTheCat · 18/11/2019 09:09

My 2were pages at my DB’s wedding ages 18 months and 3.5. They enjoyed it and looked sweet in the photos but DH rememberers spending a LOT of time outside with them both during the wedding and at the reception 😊

ToTheRegimentIWishIWasThere · 18/11/2019 09:49

By July she will potentially have dropped the nap anyway. If you're a bridesmaid then you can walk with her/carry her down the aisle and you'll be behind the bride anyway so the focus will be on the bride. Just have a bag of little toys (kinder egg size) ones, a little notepad and pencil for scribbling etc already placed in the pews. Some bribery sweets, And make sure you have an exit strategy in case you need to pass her off to whoever to go and get some fresh air outside.

My DS was the only child at a wedding this summer at 2.5, behaved impeccably he is not known for his cooperative and pliant nature and was an absolute delight.

RainbowMum11 · 18/11/2019 09:55

My DD had completely dropped naps by the time she was 18 months unless she was poorly (she slept 12-14 hours at night though) so it's perfectly possible that she will have dropped hers by then, and even so, 1 day off schedule won't harm - she'll probably be too excited by the day anyway so will be ok with a later nap.

Elbeagle · 18/11/2019 09:58

The ceremony is in July which is obviously ages away and I dont know what her naps will look like by then, however she is currently on one nap per day and blatantly will be too young to no longer need a nap by then, so I suspect it will be much the same as it is now in which case her body clock is going to be telling her she should be asleep then

Both mine completely dropped their naps at 20 months... went from having a 2 hour nap every day to no naps at all really suddenly! Even my friend’s children who still napped until much older could generally manage a day without a nap at that age.

Elbeagle · 18/11/2019 09:59

Also, if she’s not a flower girl she’ll still be going to the wedding won’t she? So the same issues will arise regardless.

17caterpillars1mouse · 18/11/2019 10:03

My dd has been a flower girl twice, both at family weddings and I have been a bridesmaid too which has helped I think.

The first one she was 2 and 2 months old. She walked down holding my hand, rather than on her own and was a bit excitable during the church service but only really distracting to me and DH rather than the whole church.

Second time she was 3 and 3 months and walked down the aisle on her own in front of me. She was much more rowdy though and I missed the vows as she decided she needed a poo during the service, typically

schafernaker · 18/11/2019 10:10

Can you not wake her up super early that morning and then get her to nap early and have a bit of time to wake up.

Hilariously my DB wanted my DD to have a role in his wedding. She should have been 2 months old, but was a diddy 5month old after being born prematurely. Her role was stealing the show looking like a newborn 😍 much easier to deal with than a toddler! It’d be my worse nightmare now she’s 18months old 😂

NWQM · 18/11/2019 10:17

As well as the advice on here I would add....

Has she been to a wedding yet? Could you? Or at least look on You Tube for a video.

Look for a TV programme that has children being a flower girl. I know there is a Katie Morag episode where she's a bridesmaid to her grandma but it's on a beach I think. Was Topsey either a bridesmaid or Peppa Pig?

Role play it and maybe visit the church.

Don't expect your daughter to understand an odd concept like being a flower girl without some prep.

Beseen19 · 18/11/2019 10:33

My child was at a wedding at a similar age (not in wedding party). I panicked about trying to get him to nap on the way to the ceremony but it just didnt happen as is sometimes the case with toddlers. He was perfect during the ceremony and loved all the attention and everything going on and then just as we sat down for the meal he climbed into his pram and napped through the whole speeches/meal. Of course that meant he was in such a good mood and was able to stay up late and enjoy the dancing.

I know it's hard to chill around nap times but when she is tired she will sleep. Personally if there was any way to get he to nap during the wedding I would as it's a long overwhelming day for them and gives them a nice break. Make sure you have plenty food for her as can be a long wait for meals/not at usual times.

PopcornAndWine · 18/11/2019 10:38

My niece was flower girl at our wedding at a similar age. It was lovely. I'd fully accepted that you can only expect so much of children at that age so didn't really mind what she did; in the end she actually did walk down the aisle holding the hand of the other flower girl (DH niece, slightly older). It probably helped that my sister (her mum) was a bridesmaid so she was with her pretty much the whole time.

She did have a bit of a meltdown during the ceremony then but her dad just took her out - nobody cared. We wanted her to be part of the day and accepted that a meltdown may be part and parcel of involving a two year old in the wedding!

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