In feeling like reporting this family was the wrong thing to do?

[mumstable]

Name changed for this but long time poster.

I've posted before on this, if anyone recognised my other thread please don't post any identifying details on this one, thanks.

For a long time I was concerned about the safety of one of my child's friends. We are friends with his parents also. Or rather, I was good friends with her and we'd have dinner etc with them both.

Both parents are VERY heavy drinkers. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a judgy person, dh and I like a drink ourselves. But they regularly drink drive (and I mean plastered) and she's been passing out early in the afternoon. She's also passed out when having kids over for play dates. Not my child though. I've also recently been told drugs may be involved.

She's also been turning up to school drop off and pick up drunk.

I've been told by her that he's been physically abusive to her child when he's drunk. And her. Since they were 2 years old. I've also been told be other people that she is abusive to the husband. Which is true (or both) I don't know.

I'm not in the UK so services here are very different.

I did contact both our version of social services (and from what I'm aware of have done nothing, they're extremely overstretched and I'd already been told that as the child is fed and clothed this probably wouldn't make their threshold) and the school. I know the school have taken it very seriously and some kind of action has been taken but I'm not clear what.

Obviously reporting was something I had to do. But now she's completely withdrawn from the community. She won't talk to anyone. Obviously she doesn't know who reported them but will be suspecting everyone. Her child's behaviour has got much worse at school and he's saying some really sad and alarming things.

I don't know what I'm hoping for from this thread really, maybe just validation I did the right thing as it seems to have just made things worse for them.

You 100% did the right thing. Poor little lad.

You have absolutely done the right thing. That’s appalling. If nothing happens, report again! As someone said, is there an equivalent of the NSPCC where you live who could step in when Social Services won’t/can’t?

Or would she accept a visit from a pastor or similar?

One mutual friend suspects it's me and is no longer talking to me.

She's neither your friend nor her friend. What alternative method did she have in mind to protect a child from physical abuse and having his life put at serious risk on a daily basis - or does she not really think that's a problem?

You absolutely did the right thing. Anybody who 'unfriends' you as a result of it has actually done you a massive favour.

You need to report again. Get the school involved.

I did read the thread OP.
What makes you think I didn't?

I read she's cut everyone off.
What I stand still stands. No one wants to be reported to SS, accused of negligent or abuse.
That's a FACT.

You're asking if you did the right thing? I'm telling you I doubt she'll welcome it.
She'll never thank you for it. She might have welcomed the help and support. From other areas. Probably not even available!

But having your kids put under a child protection plan. And then as a parent trying to get them off it, case closed, is not pleasant.

Having a dead kid would be less pleasant I'm suspecting.

The person I spoke to at the school has said they think there has been permanent emotional damage already done. They've also said they have suspicions that he's suffering with issues because of feral alcohol syndrome. I've tried to help for years. I've done everything I could to avoid getting authorities involved.

I've tried MANY times for years to offer support or engage other support. This was a quick decision or one I've taken lightly.

The child's safety is clearly at risk, I don't think anyone in their right mind would have kept quiet.

Wasn't a quick decision.

What other support would you have suggested? We live very remotely. And you can't make someone help themselves if they don't want to.

You definitely did the right thing.
And if it helps- this behaviour in response to an investigation would make us more suspicious.

I can understand why you are questioning your actions, especially as you say your friend is so nice when sober, but I don’t think you’ve done anything unreasonable or unkind in any way whatsoever. You are very brave to involve yourself in this awful dilemma. Some might feel that it would be best to keep out of the matter but the child’s safety is paramount and it is essential that the authorities are notified. Good luck x

If you hadn't reported it you'd effectively be enabling it.

It is a nasty position to be put in, op. Sometimes we don't get good choices. The child will always have fewer than you. You absolutely did right, if you need to hear it, and forget the fools who would rather abandon a child with no agency in that situation.

Would you just let child abuse and neglect slide then Oblamov?

*No one wants to be reported to SS, accused of negligent or abuse.
That's a FACT. *

What an utterly pointless 'fact'. Pretty obvious that none would like it but boo for you. If it's happening then theres no question about it. Why does this woman need a hand hold and support when she passes out in front of her children and possibly putting them in danger. Its not about her, its about her childrens safety and wellbeing.

You 100% done the right thing op, you put that child before anything else, he can't protect himself

she's been passing out early in the afternoon. even before I got to the rest this was enough for me. It’s a huge safety concern.

I know there are areas near where I am where drink driving isn’t taken seriously, and I truly believe a lot of dysfunction and neglect is beneath the surface.

However your one specific case is very worrying and I would be highlighting to the authorities and pushing it. I would also be, if it’s possible, taking a position in my mind, if you can OP, of being a kind of god parent to those kids and keeping an eye on them. Taking the regularly if you can, even once a week, and showing them a normal life. I’d encourage your friend in the meantime to be putting the kids in as many activities as possible if they can - not everything costs loads

• unless those kids are taken off her the next best thing is those kids have school, other adults and other activities to show them what normal is and give them some protection.

@Oblomov19 But having your kids put under a child protection plan. And then as a parent trying to get them off it, case closed, is not pleasant. it is NOTHING compared to being that child being harmed and neglected though is it? So what if the parent has a hard time?! Honestly why should any of us be concerned about the parents?

This is horrific.

Awful that SSD is not acting... It would deffo reach threshold here.

Can you speak to school again... In fact she's not speaking to anyone... How much worse is it going to get if people found out the anonymous reporter was you?
I know its unpleasant.... But as you say... Dead children are more unpleasant.

I would also write to her GP. But then I've done this before sadly when I was appalled at ss inaction and there was a clear threat..

This was injecting dealer parents and huge numbers of out of control drug users attending the house with a 6, 4 and 3 months old baby.

You’ve done what you can but you can’t save her or the child. If the child is attending school fairly regularly, is clothed and fed, they probably won’t be removed from her care. There are far worse cases of neglect to prioritise.

An alcoholic won’t stop drinking just because you’re telling them how dangerous and damaging their behaviour is. There is nothing as a friend that you can or could have done that will change the way your friend behaves. You need to accept that and stop being so hard on yourself. Posters who talk about being a better friend clearly haven’t got the first clue, so their advice is meaningless.

She’s clearly living in denial and thinks she’s coping. Sadly, if something very serious happens, she might try to stop drinking but equally, she might choose to carry on drinking to be as near unconscious as possible for most of the time to avoid dealing with her fear and guilt.

There is unlikely to be a happy ending.

Just because you feel guilty about something doesn't mean that it wasn't the right thing to do.

I don’t believe you. If it is exactly as you write here, why do you even need validation (fuck that word) every normal person knows this would be unacceptable. However it just sounds like you are just trying to justify your actions.

You've done the right thing and set wheels in motion. From now on any consequences are not your fault. You've done your bit and can now be guilt free. It's a shame if things don't go as they should - but that is not down to you.

You did the right thing OP. The ones in the wrong are the drunken and abusive parents. Unfortunately, when parents behave like this, there is not a lot of possibility of a good outcome for the kids involved, unless said parents actually take the negative consequences of their actions - in this case, getting reported - as a wake-up call.

When you were friendly with her, did you ever raise the issue of her constant drunkenness with her? Or the terrible state of her marriage? This family is obviously struggling badly and needs serious professional help. Is that a possibility where you live? Are they financially stable or able to cover such costs?