In feeling like reporting this family was the wrong thing to do?

[mumstable]

Name changed for this but long time poster.

I've posted before on this, if anyone recognised my other thread please don't post any identifying details on this one, thanks.

For a long time I was concerned about the safety of one of my child's friends. We are friends with his parents also. Or rather, I was good friends with her and we'd have dinner etc with them both.

Both parents are VERY heavy drinkers. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a judgy person, dh and I like a drink ourselves. But they regularly drink drive (and I mean plastered) and she's been passing out early in the afternoon. She's also passed out when having kids over for play dates. Not my child though. I've also recently been told drugs may be involved.

She's also been turning up to school drop off and pick up drunk.

I've been told by her that he's been physically abusive to her child when he's drunk. And her. Since they were 2 years old. I've also been told be other people that she is abusive to the husband. Which is true (or both) I don't know.

I'm not in the UK so services here are very different.

I did contact both our version of social services (and from what I'm aware of have done nothing, they're extremely overstretched and I'd already been told that as the child is fed and clothed this probably wouldn't make their threshold) and the school. I know the school have taken it very seriously and some kind of action has been taken but I'm not clear what.

Obviously reporting was something I had to do. But now she's completely withdrawn from the community. She won't talk to anyone. Obviously she doesn't know who reported them but will be suspecting everyone. Her child's behaviour has got much worse at school and he's saying some really sad and alarming things.

I don't know what I'm hoping for from this thread really, maybe just validation I did the right thing as it seems to have just made things worse for them.

she's a child abuser. You didn't ignore that. Just as any decent person would not ignore it.

sounds like you live in arsehole central if people think it is ok to abuse children, but that doesn't mean you have to sink to their level. Good on you.

How cajoled anyone justify not calling as/the police?

She distressed your child just by visiting - imagine living in that situation?

Children are not just the personal belongings of their parents, to be treated however - but human being with rights. At least that's how it should be.

Absolutely anyone could've flagged this up, OP. In fact you're probably not the only one who has, the neglect is so public and obvious.
You did the right thing.

You did the right thing OP.
It matters not a jot whether she speaks to you or not.
I've reported abuse in the past and SS told the family it was me who reported. Despite them coming into my workplace to threaten me, I still know I did the right thing.

Not the same but someone made a malicious report about me to SS (full of lies) I had to cut out a few people including family who sided with them. Surely you can’t be surprised she doesn’t want to talk to you as you reported her. It wAs the right thing to do but it’s also obvious why she wouldn’t want to speak to you anymore

You’ve done the right thing. Now though, you need to stop contacting her trying to see if she’s ok or be friends etc as if she does find out it was you, how do you honestly think she will react?

Leave her alone now and look to other mums as friends.

@PumpkinP as I said in the opening post - she doesn't know it was me. And the problem is that she's stopped talking to everyone.

You did the right thing. I am surprised your other friend thinks you didn't and should be scorned. It sounds like things had gone too far and trying to be a supportive friend hadn't worked.

You're right, OP. Reporting them didn't make anything better & probably made things worse.

I'm not blaming you. You didn't have any good choices.

How much can you support the children, give them a refuge?

She can't get away with this. She needs to be reported now. Can you get her number plate and then report her to the local police department.

Well, I'm different from everyone else on here because I think reporting her was an absolutely appalling thing to do! There you are posing as her friend, why didn't you raise your concerns with her directly? Anyway, most of the stuff you say you didn't even see yourself, it's just gossip. Then, you're trying to hide it was you! So now she suspects everyone, so what has been gained here? I'm baffled that every one thinks you've done the right thing. To me it seems cowardly and unhelpful. But maybe I'm missing the back story.

Always think of the innocent child...

Well, I'm different from everyone else on here because I think reporting her was an absolutely appalling thing to do! There you are posing as her friend, why didn't you raise your concerns with her directly?
The same reason anyone working with children would follow safeguarding procedures instead of having a chat with the parents.

Because the safety and wellbeing of the child/children comes before upsetting an adult's feelings.

It's actually quite refreshing to see a thread on here where most posters are putting childrens safeguarding first instead of the usual drivel about butting out and/or being a better friend.

@Notsurehowtofixit

Yes, how awful of OP to put the safety of a child first instead of her friendship with this woman.

What world are we living in where the friendship of two adults does not supersede the safety and happiness of a child.

If I was still a teacher, I would be reporting that.
As a parent, I would be reporting that, friendship be damned. I have had to do it before and I would goddamn well do it again. Because the safety of children is fucking paramount and because I have my priorities in fucking check I.e. Not putting my friendship of 20 years before the safety of children.

You have done the right thing OP. It's awful that you can't do more. Could you do some more research on this? Perhaps there's another avenue to go down?

Because the safety and wellbeing of the child/children comes before upsetting an adult's feelings.

So how exactly has the child's safety and well-being been improved though? If there's been no change and the mothers withdrawing socially, it's probably worse.

So how exactly has the child's safety and well-being been improved though? If there's been no change and the mothers withdrawing socially, it's probably worse
Because now the child has been flagged to the appropriate professionals who should be in a position to do something. It's not the OP's job to intervene. It's for appropriate professionals to.

Of course, the OP speaking to the mother who won't look after her children would totally have seen the mum start looking after them. She wouldn't have continued in her passive aggressive denial about how "your friends mummy doesn't like me like the other mums", she wouldn't have pulled away and been even more secretive.

To be honest, the response of the friendship groups suggests they're a bunch of overgrown teenagers who are incapable of behaving like adults: oh someone gets drink too much haha what a quirk... Omg can't believe someone took an issue with shit parenting, let's try to ignore who we think it is... Stuff the child's safety

mumstable

I had to stop talking to everyone until I found out who it was, I was lucky that ss told me who it was. Wouldn’t you? She obviously doesn’t know who she can trust.

What a pair of abusive, pathetic excuses for parents. You did the right thing by reporting.
And honestly, if friends distance themselves because you were concerned about the child then are they people you want to even associate with. This is exactly how abuse happens in plain sight when everyone turns a blind eye to protect abusers.
Can you try calling the police? Is there any child services within the police that would give you advice?

I have tried to talk to her. I've told her the friends who picked up those kids from play dates when she was passed out were upset and horrified.

I've told her it's not ok to drive when she's drunk.

I've told her she drinks too much and it's damaging her health. She's been very sick the last couple of years and I'm pretty sure it's all due to the amount she drinks and smokes. I've told her very clearly that she's not being honest with doctors and damaging herself. I even offered to give up drinking myself as support.

Someone came to collect their child at 5pm and the kids were out playing (next to a main road) and she was unconscious inside. The kids said they'd tried to wake her and couldn't, my friend couldn't wake her.

At what point would you say I let authorities know? I should have told them years ago in all honesty and I'm ashamed I didn't.

The Father held his son down on the ground by the neck and was screaming and swearing at him. Yes this was coming from the Mother and I didn't see it myself and she may not be telling the truth but that's not for me to decide. Even if she isn't then she needs support just as much. And I'm not about to disbelieve a woman that's telling me her and her son are being abused, that's been happening in our society for far too long. If you wouldn't go to anyone with that then you'd be utterly complicit in the abuse.

You're doing the right thing OP.

The issue with friendship groups is that clearly some of them have heard your valid concerns but have decided they'd rather bitch like silly little girls than put their big girl pants on and be a responsible adult.

You also have to question the integrity of any parent who knowing what they know would continue to place their child in that environment. Maybe that's why they're getting defensive.

What's probably happening in the background is that school staff will be recording concerns too and passing them on. At some point the authorities have to act.

Well done for having the courage to report and you can always ring the police too. Sadly, those children are prob so damaged, unless they are exceptional, or get some miraculous intervention the trajectory they are on thru school and as young adults ... of poor education, mental health issues addiction, teen pregnancy, criminal behaviour will run it's merry course thru another generation.

She is not a lovely person though and is in denial and quite dangerous by the sound of things. Your child should not have that behaviour inflicted on them either.

But you have the

1. you absolutely did the right thing

2. given the story above I can't understand why you would care if they knew it was you

3. I wouldn't want to associate with any friends who had a problem with me being the reporter

Anyway, most of the stuff you say you didn't even see yourself, it's just gossip.

I haven't seen her or her husband being violent but I've seen the drunk driving. I've seen her pass out early afternoon MANY times. Ive seen her standing up talking and collapse on to the floor. I've seen her be so drunk and unpleasant she's made my child cry.

What did you expect? No one is ever going to thank you for reporting them to SS!

@Oblomov19 in my opening post (and once again) I said she didn't know it was me. She's cut EVERYONE off. RTFT.