AIBU or is DH? DIY dispute!

[greentomatos]

Hi

AIBU or is DH?

We have been talking about redecorating our bedroom for some time (2 years), and in recent weeks we have been talking about it more and more. He hates decorating and I enjoy it, so it's usually me that does it. In the past 2 weeks he has commented a few times about how he really hates the current wallpaper and wants us to redecorate soon.

Today he went out and I was struck with the energy/motivation to strip the paper. Thinking I'd do that, we'd have a blank canvas and could decide together how to re-do it.

He is now seriously pissed off at me. In a huff. One word answers. Says he hates living in a construction zone - it's hardly that, it's just plain walls underneath. He is annoyed that I've taken the paper off before we have decided in full what to replace it with.

I'm annoyed as I've put this effort in to do something rather than just talk about it, spent the whole day working hard with the end aim of us having a nice bedroom soon, and he is being so negative.

AIBU or is he?

Good grief! You should send him round to our house, which practically is a construction zone. We have bare and cracked plaster in every room now as we had all the woodchip stripped shortly after moving in. The rooms are slowly being done one at a time and it will take a while....

Blimey, two years, I’d have stripped it about 23 months ago.

I honestly believe that the replies would have been different if a woman was complaining about her DH launching in without deciding what to do first and without a clear plan to finish it.

Me too

Anyone that carries on about hating the wallpaper & wanting it redecorated soon, but with no intention of doing it themselves has NO business complaining when the person who will be the one doing it, makes a start on it.

^This. He had no intention of doing the decorating, he just wanted to moan about the wallpaper. I bet OP has suggested choosing something every time this discussion comes up again, but he puts barriers in place. These type of people always do. Don't like something, but don't want anyone to fix it. It's the same as people who always moan about their jobs, but if you suggest they look for a new one, they have a ton of "reasons" why it's not possible.

I expect OP has had enough of all the moaning, and has decided to just get on with it.

YANBU OP. He'll probably not like anything you put up, even if he initially agrees on it, so I suggest you crack on with it, and next time he moans about it, tell him you're not interested, and refuse to discuss it.

If a dude came on here saying his wife had been moaning about decorating the bedroom for 2 years but wouldn't do anything about it, I don't think the replies would have been any different.

In fact there would be a slew of replies saying they wish their husbands would pull their finger out and decorate is more likely.

It just means that he hates the appearance of stripped walls more than he hated the original wallpaper.

And possibly doesn't have much faith in the idea that you'll have it sorted, finished and tidied away as though nothing has happened by next Christmas week.

I can just about manage 48 hours of disruption if everything is cleaned up though the process and it's simple to move about without risking knocking things over, not being able to find stuff or having to clean emulsion off the cat five times. I absolutely detest it when everything is all over the place, there are bits and pieces, scraps of paper, paint cans, dirty paint brushes and general shit everywhere.

One of my exes was happy to be described as 'a messy worker'. He didn't believe in clearing the area so it was easy to work in first. He didn't believe in tidying up as he went. He didn't believe in putting things back to usable in the evening. He was a lazy, messy git who wanted everybody to be disrupted so that they appreciated him more at the end and were so relieved at the end, they wouldn't mention that he'd trashed a brand new carpet, clothes, failed to match repeats or anything else he had fucked up in the process.

When it came to me decorating by myself, I only did things that could be completed and tidied away easily in a day. I found that doing it like that made it so much easier, fewer mistakes were made, there wasn't the same level of damage, chaos or waste. I decorated my bedroom in 24 hours, just moving out the furniture I need to, masking off the relevant edges, covering things that couldn't be moved, and then putting things back as they should be before moving on to the next wall. It was easy, relaxing and enjoyable. So I did the bathroom, spare room, living room and kitchen whilst being able to function normally.

Are you a messy worker, or do you clean everything up as you go?

Your answer will clarify whether he's being grumpy or whether you've now made the place look like a bombsite for the next six weeks.

A long time ago when plumded in washing machines were quite new and a big plumbing job a friend got fed up of asking her plumber husband to plumb their's in, she turned off the water and took a hack saw to the pipe under the sink. 'He'll have to do it now' was her reasoning.

Someone upthread has called a bare wall "grim" 😂

We bought our first house last December and had to get expensive damp work done over the summer. We're living with bare walls - bare plaster up to 1m height - in the dining room and hallway, although we've finally finished the living room. We even have bare concrete floors! We're DIYing it all and don't have the motivation to dedicate all our free time to it, so it's happening slowly, but I'm happy to be saving money and tbh just happy we own a house at all.

One bare wall in the bedroom is not that big of a deal. Probably no worse than the woodchip-type wallpaper we have all upstairs!

I don’t think replies would be different. Loads of people have also complained to the women saying they have to wait ages for their DH to do it and they hate it. And been told to do it themselves it they hate if that much. If someone is complaining that someone else is too slow but refusing to do anything about themselves, why would if matter if they were male or female

If you don’t like something, change it, doesn’t matter who you are.

(I should note that we need to do a lot of prep work before we can paint the walls - filling, sanding, some reshaping where we live in a wonky Victorian terrace - so it's not as if we've just been putting off a coat of emulsion for months...)

My husband started our renovation projects by smashing a hole in the wall. I laughed and said thank you. He loves me.

It sounds like nothing would ever get done if you waited around for his agreement. 2 years discussing changing a bit of wallpaper? Some people will have changed it twice in that time.

This would piss me off. I like to plan a DIY project in full then get in all the supplies and block out time to complete it in one chunk.
I would hate this starting and stopping and living with half a job.
That being said I do all the DIY so my DH just accepts that that's how I work. If he started moaning about it without stepping in to help himself I'd tell him to sod off.

p.s. I don't get DH's agreement for DIY stuff per se. I say I'm doing x on these days unless there is a major reason why this won't work and then get on with it.

Tell him to grow up and engage about it no further, he's being childish, you took the wallpaper off, you didn't demolish the walls.

I empathise with him - any disruption in the house and I'm tense and edgy util it's back in order. I dread decorating and have to brace myself for it. DH understands how stressed it makes me so we don't start decorating until we've got everything in place.

I'd have a fit if I came home to find a stripped wall. They look like hell and there's a lot of prep work before you can repaint/paper it.

He’s just pissed off because you’ve cut around all his faffing. It’s really not ‘grim’ living with just one unpapered wall for a few days. He’s being a child because his hand has been forced.

my understanding is that they have been talking about it on and off for 2 YEARS and a lot in recents WEEKS

It is only the last two weeks he complained about the paper. Talking about it for 2 years can be “we really should decorate”

My guess is, OP has been talking about it, but when OH said he didn’t like the wall paper she decided to rip it down so she could use him as a reason.

Why didn’t OP do something about it in the 2 years?

Perhaps she has tried Minty - you know "Let's go to B&Q and pick some wallpaper". Oh - not this weekend, I'm doing my hobby/ out with the lads/ watching United getting slaughter 23-2 on the telly" or whatever.

This is why I redecorated our bedroom whilst DH was away for work. I didn't tell him I was doing it. He didn't want me to for ages as he couldn't be arsed and me doing it would mean he felt obliged to help. Just kept saying "we'll get someone in to do it" for over a year.

I did a fab job and he was chuffed to bits.

Ignore him, he is being UR. My dh will talk about doing something for years too, so far there are nearly half a dozen things which I've been waiting for him to give the go ahead for over 5 years. I would have taken things into my own hands like you have long ago except that these days I'm disabled and know I can't actually do them. I have to wait for him.....

@Incrediblysadtoo of course i can decorate but he wants to do it, and we moved house four months ago so its not just stripped walls, its manky carpet on the floor not wardrobe, bags of stuff because i have nowhere to put them till the bedroom is done and the wardrobe is put together believe me if it was up to me the bedroom would have been done about two months ago

Yanbu, my dh is similar, constantly moans about this needs doing, that needs doing etc, but in reality does naff all about it.

So I just do it my way now and if he moans tell him if he wants it his way he needs to get off his arse and contribute

@SoupDragon

No, because the first thing to do is decide what you are doing

Not necessarily. She had a spare period of time, she used that time to achieve something. They’re further ahead than they’ve been in the two years since first discussing it. She knew it needed stripping, now it’s done. Choosing a new paper/paint can be done next - no big deal

Someone upthread has called a bare wall "grim"
A bare wall isn't the same as a wallpaper stripped wall, and if they had a fairly decent room before it was stripped of course it would look grim!!!