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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to grandparents wanting sleepovers

43 replies

SidSparrow · 16/11/2019 20:50

DD is 20 months old. Last weekend she stayed with her grandparents for the first time (my Dad and his wife). This is because I'm near due DC2 and we wanted her to be ok about spending the night there for my going into hospital. Everything went well with DD staying over and we agreed to another overnight visit since it's DP's birthday in 2 weeks and again just to prepare her. I find this all very difficult because when they were parents to me they were beyond hopeless - it was an extremely lonely time and after a couple of years my school intervened and I moved out of their house. Them playing doting grandparents is very difficult for me, but I see that their relationship with DD is very different to my relationship with them, and if I ever felt that it was in someway not good for DD it would be over. I do have some issues with their childminding... when babysitting they forget about DC's basic needs, what to feed her, naps. When she is picked up, my stepmother never listens to me and so therefore misses stuff - like what to feed her (she has never offered to give her lunch so I always provide food). However, on the whole she is well looked after, but it's as though she is a toy and they want a shot. Earlier my Dad messaged asking if she can stay next weekend, I asked why and reminded him about the following weekend. Honestly, the request just feels odd! He came back saying they'll take her both weekends!! I went back saying no, and though it was nice for DP and I to have a night together we much prefer staying home as a family. AIBU to find this whole thing bizarre? Are they asking too much? I honestly have no idea how this whole grandparents thing is meant to work. I just know that I didn't have a family to drop them on the grandparents all the time.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 16/11/2019 20:56

Are they looking after her enough or not? Seems fickle to have them babysit when it suits you but to object when not.

Drum2018 · 16/11/2019 20:57

I find it bizarre that you let her stay at all tbh. You had to move out of their house as a child because they were hopeless parents, you have issues with the way they mind her, so if it were me I wouldn't be allowing sleepovers. I'd ask a trusted friend to take her if you had to go in to hospital at night.

Curtainly · 16/11/2019 20:58

I don't think it's overly bizarre, but of course you were right to say no if you weren't happy with their proposal. Did they just accept the no? If they did then I would just leave it, and as you have done say no when you don't want them to do have them. If however they got funny about it it could be time to have a word with them.

SidSparrow · 16/11/2019 20:58

@NoSauce I let them babysit because they want to, not because I want them to. I also think it's good for my DD to have a relationship with her grandparents, despite my not having a good relationship with them.

OP posts:
Curtainly · 16/11/2019 20:59

But also it's a bit worrying that you have concerns about how they look after her, only let DC stay at all if you are comfortable.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2019 21:00

What concerns me the most is that you say they don't look after her basic needs, so how can you trust they are properly supervising her? I would be very wary of them watching her.

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/11/2019 21:02

From what you have said they are not safe to look after your daughter.

londonrach · 16/11/2019 21:05

Why she staying overnight op if you concerns? My dd is 3 and she not slept apart from me yet snd ive no concerns re grandparents etc

NoSauce · 16/11/2019 21:06

No, you have let them babysit to get her used to them when you go into labour and when it was your husbands birthday, both of those occasions are to suit you.

SidSparrow · 16/11/2019 21:06

The thing is the constantly watch her, they actually dote on her! My Dad would wrap her in cotton wool if he could... but the reason they forget the basics is because they have never had children of their own. My Dad never brought me up and my step mum never had her own kids, so naps and a square meal is overlooked. I sometimes think they'd rather she didn't nap because it eats into their time with her. If I honestly thought she was in any danger or neglected she wouldn't be there.

OP posts:
CAG12 · 16/11/2019 21:09

I find it odd that you say all her needs are basically met but they forget to offer her lunch so you have to pack it?!

NoSauce · 16/11/2019 21:10

So why are you asking them to have her when you go in hospital and to go out when it’s your husbands birthday?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2019 21:10

The thing is the constantly watch her, they actually dote on her!

How can you possibly know that? You're not there. Whether or not someone has children of their own, any reasonable adult knows a small child needs naps and proper meals. Anyone so stupid who can't manage to feed a child should not be caring for them.

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/11/2019 21:12

No food is neglect. Doting is not what your daughter needs.

SidSparrow · 16/11/2019 21:15

@NoSauce I am actually trying to do what is best for DD. I don't want her to be packed off to grandparents to come home and find a new baby. I want things to be easy for her. We have no one else to leave her with. I've even considered a home birth to avoid all these stays but since DD birth was complicated I don't feel comfortable with it. The birthday night is not because we want a night out, it's a bonus since she will be staying with them in preparation for the birth.

OP posts:
Pardonwhat · 16/11/2019 21:18

But if you trust them the other nights you’ve asked for, how can you not trust them on the night they’ve requested?

RichTwoTurkeyFriend · 16/11/2019 21:18

Sorry to hear blunt, but... what kind of idiots can’t remember to feed a small child?
They are neglectful and if you continue to send your very young child to people who you can’t guarantee will feed her, you are too.
I find it highly doubtful people who can’t think to feed a small child or check she naps are providing adequate supervision.

NoSauce · 16/11/2019 21:18

Well as you’ve no one else to ask you need to talk to them about regular meals and whatever else you’re worried about. But they’re doing you a favour too don’t forget.

Greywalls12 · 16/11/2019 21:21

They can't meet her basic needs but you're leaving her with them??
They are not safe to look after her. They can have a relationship with her without her staying at their house and them forgetting to feed her!!

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 16/11/2019 21:28

because when they were parents to me they were beyond hopeless - it was an extremely lonely time and after a couple of years my school intervened and I moved out of their house

the reason they forget the basics is because they have never had children of their own. My Dad never brought me up

So you were brought up by your dad for a while, is that right? What you've written is a bit confusing OP.

Evilmorty · 16/11/2019 21:34

My ILs don’t have sleepovers because they can’t do basic things. Baby is always too hot (ie sleeping in an outdoor sleep suit, with blankets), put down to sleep on a sofa unattended while they all go off to bed, left to fall off tables or pull TVs down on themselves. That’s why they don’t have them. I don’t complain that they don’t have them because I made the choice. It’s all or nothing with these situations I think, if you want the childcare you accept the bad points and live with it.

SidSparrow · 16/11/2019 21:49

They don't forget to feed her, I'm sorry if that came across. I provide a pack lunch, but now and again they claim she didn't eat this or that but really I think they are feeding her rubbish. The other day she didn't eat the soup I provided. I had said if she doesn't, just give her some banana and toast and raisins. She came home with the bread!!! So she was given half a banana and 6 raisins (but I reckon they gave her rubbish). Another day I gave her stuff to go with pasta, but they never gave her the pasta. It's stuff like that. This would all be a non issue if they offered to provide lunch/snacks themselves. I'd happily provide all this and they can store/freeze. I've hinted at this to no avail. There's a real lack of communication. I try but they don't listen and my stepmum lacks real social skills.

But actually! This forgetfulness has been a more recent concern and reading it back here has made me realise that yes, it is actually neglectful. I will nip it in the bud and come up with a solution. If they can't be mindful of food and rest then it does raise questions. I am actually waiting on counselling because before I had buried all my issues with them, then when DD was born it all came to the front. It's hard because they aren't bad people. It would be so much easier if they were, but they're not.

@TheRobinIsBobbingAlong I only lived with them for about 3 years when I was about 11.

OP posts:
QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 16/11/2019 21:59

They don't sound fit to look after a child.

SidSparrow · 16/11/2019 22:03

@Evilmorty Oh wow!! Yeah I agree with that. That sounds dangerous. DD is never in any danger, it's generally a bit of hopelessness.

But that's not what my original post was about. I just find it odd that they are asking for her her to stay over so often. Is that unreasonable? Is it reasonable to say no to them for one weekend when they have said yes to another. How does it work? I thought the grandparents role was to support the parents (within reason) but it feels to me like they see her as a toy. They babysat her during the week for a couple of hours but made a comment when she was getting collected that she wasn't there for long. So, whose terms is it on? I only needed her looked after for a couple of hours, but they would prefer her a whole afternoon or day. I don't want DD away that long. So, what do I do? They feel possessive and I don't like it.

OP posts:
rottiemum88 · 16/11/2019 22:25

I don't think it's wrong for them to want to see her more. Equally, it's your right as a parent to say no to any requests you're not happy with.

At the same time though, you're quite happy for them to have her when it suits you, but don't want to accommodate at all them wanting to have extra time with her of their choosing? That could come back to bite you one day

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