To say no to grandparents wanting sleepovers

[SidSparrow]

DD is 20 months old. Last weekend she stayed with her grandparents for the first time (my Dad and his wife). This is because I'm near due DC2 and we wanted her to be ok about spending the night there for my going into hospital. Everything went well with DD staying over and we agreed to another overnight visit since it's DP's birthday in 2 weeks and again just to prepare her. I find this all very difficult because when they were parents to me they were beyond hopeless - it was an extremely lonely time and after a couple of years my school intervened and I moved out of their house. Them playing doting grandparents is very difficult for me, but I see that their relationship with DD is very different to my relationship with them, and if I ever felt that it was in someway not good for DD it would be over. I do have some issues with their childminding... when babysitting they forget about DC's basic needs, what to feed her, naps. When she is picked up, my stepmother never listens to me and so therefore misses stuff - like what to feed her (she has never offered to give her lunch so I always provide food). However, on the whole she is well looked after, but it's as though she is a toy and they want a shot. Earlier my Dad messaged asking if she can stay next weekend, I asked why and reminded him about the following weekend. Honestly, the request just feels odd! He came back saying they'll take her both weekends!! I went back saying no, and though it was nice for DP and I to have a night together we much prefer staying home as a family. AIBU to find this whole thing bizarre? Are they asking too much? I honestly have no idea how this whole grandparents thing is meant to work. I just know that I didn't have a family to drop them on the grandparents all the time.

I think you are mad to have them babysit. They proved neglectful to you as a child and you had to leave home - why on earth would you trust them with your precious DC? There's no way you should be even considering them as competent babysitters.

My dc1 stayed with grandparents from 6 months and I trusted them implicitly. They wanted him every weekend and got the hump when I said no as I went back to work fulltime. They were never great with naps.

I'm guessing they are feeding her but not the food your provide? How old were you when you were removed from your dads care? It sounds a bit weird tbh

It's on your terms. She's your child, not their novelty. You don't have to have her stay over, or even have her there alone with them, in order to foster a relationship ship with them. I really struggle to understand parents who allow their kids time alone with grandparents when they don't like them, or are LC with them. I've seen it quite a bit on threads here recently. You are not obliged to allow anyone time with your children.

Personally if I didn't fully trust someone they wouldn't be having my children to stay. I don't blame you for the lack of trust regarding your past and it takes time to build it. I think maybe to be fair on them they might be thinking your going to be happy leaving her now as you've asked a couple of times. I guess you have to really work out your own feelings whether you really trust them and are happy to leave her as it doesn't really sound like you are.

I adore my nieces and nephews. Often ask their mum if they can stay as I love spending time with them. It's completely their mum's call if she says yes or no but I'd be bewildered if she felt it weird that I wanted to spend time with my family.

Maybe your Dad knows he failed you in your upbringing and is looking to learn from his mistakes.

OP, this is obviously hugely complicated for you.
But less so for those reading.

Very simply put.

Your child is not an opportunity for your father to put things right.

Your child is not an opportunity for your father to play daddy with your child.

You need to sit down and think through exactly what you are comfortable with.

You need to decide DO you really want your father minding your child.

Exactly what visits you are comfortable with.

When you have established exactly what YOU are comfortable with.

You decide exactly what contact your father has.

You list exactly what schedule is required.

This is your child whom you need to prioritise in all of this.

Your child is most certainly not an opportunity for your father to re-live his life and create a better legacy for his ego.

Clearly OP you have a complicated history.
You need to look after yourself, your child, your newborn, and put what is best for you, first and foremost in everything you do.

Wishing you the best.💐

Totally agree with @billy1966

OP, I have an extremely complicated relationship with my own parents & understand how complex, uncomfortable & upsetting this can be.

My reaction to your OP was “No way in hell would I allow this person to “care” for my child”. BUT then I also remembered how when DC1 was tiny, I was desperate to build a bond between GP & DC as though it would somehow mend the broken relationship that I had with my own parents. I promise you that it won’t. This might be controversial but if they were shitty parents then ultimately they will become shitty grandparents. Your gut is already telling you that by your reaction to their request for an every weekend visit.

I also think it's good for my DD to have a relationship with her grandparents, despite my not having a good relationship with them.

Why? I see this all the time on here. (Usually for abusive parents not neglectful ones).

Grandparents aren't the be-all and end-all. They're a nice bonus but not a necessity.

And if they were poor parents, why would they be good grandparents?

Why are you letting people who neglected you take care of your helpless child?

If you let your parents look after your child, you are essentially no better than them when they were mistreating you.
You are meant to be her protector. Put their shortcomings 'right' by breaking the cycle. It'll probably be quite healing and empowering for you to say 'no' to the people who let you down.

You want them as childcare full well knowing that they arent that suitable to look after her. You need it more than the well being of your daughter. You said it yourself.
They dont just magically pick up parenting skills on the odd occasion when they babysit, when they missed out a whole childhood of it with you!!
Dont know how you can send her there knowing how they were with you.

I let them babysit because they want to, not because I want them to

How is this in your childs best interest?
Read back what you wrote. Sounds like you treat her as a toy just as much as they do!! What parent sends there child away to people who forget basic care needs. And you admit they havent raised children yet you send her there? I have to wonder about the parent you are.

@billy1966 I typed a reply then phone died! You are right. I need to toughen up and get a hold of this situation. I've let it get away from me and it's making me feel really uncomfortable. Thank you for your clarity.

@EdinaMonsoon Yes! My gut tells me that they will be. At the moment DD is novelty for them, she's a cute toddler... but what happens when she's older and becomes more of her own person...? That's what I worry about. I feel like I'm trying to jump ship before we get there.

It's time to take charge. Thank you.

Your DD can still have a relationship with them if she doesn't stay over. You need to think about what you want, and go with your instincts on this one. It's tricky isn't it, but would you be happy with them having her for a bit during the day? Or coming to yours?

To answer your question yabu to think it strange that a grandparent might ask and be keen to have a dgc. The involvement of gp vary massively. I know dc who go th gp every single Friday til Sunday and others who might speak to them on Skype once a month, some that are horrified to be asked to babysit and others who beg every single weekend. Yanbu to say no though. You want some time with your dc at weekends too and lots of people do t allow sleepovers at all at this age/ it's certainly not in the best interests of a toddler to go and stay away it's usually for the convenience of a parent. Fine if that child is well cared for but yabvvu to send a child who can't even communicate if there's any problems to someone who doesn't even meet her basic needs. Not meeting the basic needs of a child is neglect. I've no idea how continuing this is in the best interests of your child. You're kidding yourself there.

EdinaMonsoon - just commenting to say what a lovely, compassionate post you wrote above! The only thing I'd add is that bad parents can really mess with your head and convince you that 2 + 2 = 5 so that, even as an adult, you're not sure whether you can believe the evidence of your own brain. I have moments of clarity when I recognise that my parents were cold and emotionally abusive, but then the picture shifts and I believe that they're right about me, that I've always been as clumsy and incompetent as they say, and that my child would be better without me. And then sometimes I just don't know what to believe.

So there playing mum and dad to your DD? They were bad parents and now want a chance to repeat with your DD. Sadly DC grow up and I have no doubt they will turn there attentions on to your new baby. You need to set the tone of the relationship. I never handed my DC over to GP , they didn’t want my DC every weekend and were happy to look after them for a night here and there if we needed them. This was my MIL and FIL However they were not crap parents, my mum wasn’t great and she has never had any of my DC overnight. It sounds like this is all about them and not your DD. You don’t actually no what goes on when she is there, they don’t give her the food you provide and clearly don’t tell you what she has eaten as you don’t know. Doesn’t sound good to me

From your expansion, there is absolutely no neglect going on at all. You're being precious.