Speak up or stay quiet?

[scrabblecrazy]

I have an elderly great aunt (90s), who lives in the middle of nowhere 300 miles away, on her own after husband died 15 years ago.

It's her birthday weekend and I always visit this time of year, and again in spring.

I also ring her every day, send flowers or gifts each month, just keep her spirits up as she is so isolated and genuinely lovely.

So this weekend I booked hotel and came up to visit, posted on SM that I was here and other family members have all jumped on the "say hello from us" "wish her happy birthday" etc etc
AIBU to want to tell them to sod off??
They never bother, I was the only person from the family to attend my uncles funeral,not even a Christmas card, she is the last remaining elder of the family and it's like she doesn't exist to them!!
Yet I just know when the time comes that she passes away they will all play the grieving loved ones with their false tears and poignant SM posts.
Winds me up beyond words how false they are when it would cost nothing to give her a call, AIBU to be wound up by this?

Send them all her number and tell them to tell her themselves...

Not at all. This is very similar with a great aunt of mine. None of her brothers children ever bothered with her, it was actually my step mum who looked after her come the end and even my uncle and aunt couldn't be arsed to come to the funeral which I found hugely disrespectful. I'd have to say something.

NO, you are not being unreasonable at all, you are completely right to be irritated by their selfishness and inconsiderate behaviour.

YANBU to be wound up

YABU to tell them to sod off

You don't want to get into competition about this.

I'd post "tell her yourselves, she'd love to hear from you or see you, she doesn't get much company." Throw it right back at the lazy, selfish gits.

Why did you bother posting on SM that you are with her though? Whose benefit was that information for? You can only do your bit for your aunt. If the others aren't bothered then that's their choice. It really shouldn't affect you. Maybe they didn't realise it was her birthday. I wouldn't know my aunts birthday, let alone a grand aunts. If you're happy to continue visiting and contacting your aunt then do it but don't be annoyed that others don't. And when she does die, don't tell them.

Oh they ALL have her number, and address!
Really makes me sad that there is one lowly birthday card on the mantelpiece.
She has always lived out in the sticks, and we've always been close, since I was a child.
She's so lonely, makes me upset that they can't be bothered, selfish bunch.

Post what @Honeyroar has suggested

I'd reply publicly that I'll Pm the number so they can do it as I'm sure she'd love to hear from them.

So not confrontational and assumes they don't have number - but also highlights they don't generally contact her.

Yanbu

@Drum2018 not for attention, just as the other half, kids and friends said let us know you've arrived ok etc, easier to post on SM than ring/text.
With all the recent flooding it was a hellish drive.

not for attention, just as the other half, kids and friends said let us know you've arrived ok etc, easier to post on SM than ring/text.

See, I don't get this. I think it is for attention.

Before the days of SM, we wouldn't think anything of dropping, what? 3 or 4(?) people a quick 'I've arrived safely' message.

In fact, that's still what a lot of people - who don't need their entire FB community to know their literal every move - do.

I don't think YABU to be annoyed by this. At all. But if you hadn't posted it on FB (and part of me strongly suspects you did it, just to highlight the relative effort you're making), you wouldn't be getting any of these so-called annoying posts, from other people.

And you're moe left with way more messaging and phone checking, than if you'd just fired off a few cursory 'I've arrived' messages.

🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd respond with "I think she'd rather hear your messages direct from you. Maybe you could give her a call or send a belated card?"

It was a lovely thing you did for your elderly relative, kudos.

I do think you should have left the announcement of your visit until you were back, and group whatsapped all those you wanted to inform that you arrived safely.

Nope, I rarely interact with any of them on SM, they're well aware that I'm the only one who keeps in touch, so wouldn't have been a surprise to them that I was here.
More annoying that they feel the need to ask me to pass on their hellos rather than bothering themselves out of their selfish bubbles.
Out of sight out of mind.

So what did your SM message say?

It clearly wasn't 'arrived safely after a long drive'.

It was obviously more along the lines of 'up visiting Aunty X for her birthday'. Otherwise people wouldn't know you were a). visiting your aunt, and b). then be posting to say 'wish her happy birthday'.

Again - if you hadn't posted, you wouldn't be getting these annoying messages.

I would have to reply with something along the lines of " here is her number and address in case you have lost it, she would really love it if you passed on your regards yourself, she is a bit lonely "

SM tagged town, said arrived safe, at last!
Was my son who said hope she has a lovely birthday, then others posted afterwards.
I'll happily ignore them, just find it unacceptable that they don't bother at all?
Not even a "oh I'll send card in post tomorrow"
It's just sad, sad and selfish.

I think you are best leaving them alone. You have no idea what their relationship was or is like with this lady. Theres nothing worse than one person playing the martyr making out they do loads and everyone else is awful. Maybe she treated them terribly years ago or something?

Perhaps publicly treating it as "Of course! When are you next coming to visit? X could really do with the company, she hasn't had any other visits this year, would brighten her day a lot if I could give her some good news!"

Hope your aunt has a lovely time. Well done for doing your bit.

In terms of regular company, does the council run any companionship schemes that might help? E.g. Wildlife Trust and bird feeding with the very elderly or a lift to a coffee and cake morning at the nearest community centre?

@TabbyMumz noooooo!!!
Honestly nothing like that, they just don't bother. Fair enough from a visiting perspective, but a card and stamp?
I can't be bothered arguing my case with them, I'm far from playing the martyr, I adore her, always have.

So be honest and call it out.

Put a comment on which says that you won't be passing on messages as they could tell her themselves; she has a phone and an address, so they could call or send a card. And that this would be a nice gesture as she is lonely and doesn't get much interaction or contact from the wider family.

Maybe they will send a card in the post tomorrow, maybe they wont. I just dont think it's your job to make out they are awful. They might have their reasons. Someone did this to us once on social media, silly comments here and there about how they had been to see so and so and "some people dont bother". We didn't bother as they put it due to family member having a brain injury, which they played down as nothing....it made it really awkward, and we didnt want to go at all then.

Call them out!

"I'm far from playing the martyr, I adore her, always have."....and they might not adore her at all. You often dont know what's gone on previously.

@WorldEndingFire she's housebound, after a few nasty falls over the last couple of years, and in a tiny village. Has a lovely neighbour and a little dog.
I've considered enquiring about companionship to visit at home, but she's not keen on strangers! I've planted some winter flowers today and put new bird feeders out!
@ControversialFerret this is what I mean, to reply "send a card in post" just feel like I can't hold my tongue!
She knows they just don't bother, and says "I'm so glad I have you"
It's this that makes me sad/angry! Their own parents who have passed away would be furious at them for being so rude!