Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Crying and feeling let down

34 replies

probablyoverreacting1 · 16/11/2019 16:31

I had an operation a month ago for a chronic illness, and have had a pretty miserable recovery. Some of my friends who were out of town decided to visit another the city I live in and explore. They messaged me asking if I wanted to join and I was thrilled at the possibility of having a proper day out the house and seeing them again.

I said I'd love to join because I've been laying around feeling sorry for myself for a few weeks, but I probably won't be up for trekking round the whole city as I'm still recovering. I said I'd meet them at a certain museum they were planning to go to and join them for that. They didn't have a planned time to get there so I told them to let me know when they're leaving the place they were going to beforehand and I'll make my way.

So I've been excited to see friends again because I haven't left the house for a while thanks to the surgery and I live in my own so don't get that much human contact anyway. The day comes, apparently they arrive in the city past midday, later than they were planning, because they just didn't get up and get out early enough. I asked if they were still planning to go to the museum and they said yes but will have to rearrange their plans for the day because it closes at 6.

I put on a face full of makeup and get ready feeling really positive about the day. Waited. Waited. It's getting late and I message them again. Apparently they lost track of time and don't have time to go to the museum so they're hanging about for little longer then going back. So I'm not seeing them today.

I know I must just be fragile at the moment but I've spent the last 15 minutes crying. It's just upset me because it would have taken such little effort planning on their part to include me in the day. If they told me they couldn't make the museum I would have joined for something else. I feel like an idiot because I've been sat at home staring at my phone waiting for the message telling me to make my way and wasting my day away. I wouldn't be reacting like this under normal circumstances but they all know how tough it a time I've had with my illness/surgery and it would have made my day to have a day out with friends which I haven't done in a while. I just wish someone would sometimes make an effort with me.

OP posts:

hopeishere · 16/11/2019 16:33

Oh that is awful.

RedHelenB · 16/11/2019 16:36

Maybe it would gave bern better to join them at the start and leave when you were feeling tired? They might not have realised how much you were looking forward to it. Hope you can get some human company soon!

Loopytiles · 16/11/2019 16:37

Sorry you’ve been unwell. They were rude, but it sounds like their plans were relaxed. Why didn’t you just meet them where they were going to be for lunch or whatever?

Original poster

probablyoverreacting1 · 16/11/2019 16:39

In hindsight I should have just gone at the start of the day. They did have relaxed plans but I can't do a massive amount of walking and didn't want to be walking all round the city without a plan. They told me the places they were planning to visit and asked which ones I'd like to join in with. I chose and I waited.

If I knew this would happen I would have just joined them at the beginning :(

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 16/11/2019 16:41

How close friends are these?

billy1966 · 16/11/2019 16:42

Oh OP, you poor pet.
That's awful.
Of course you are upset.
A cry is a good thing to do.
It's very cleansing, but tiring.
I hope you have text them to let them know that you are very disappointed after waiting about all day.

So thoughtless.
Honestly, I just can't believe how poorly some people behave.

Try and think of something nice to do for yourself, or some little treat you can give yourself.
Perhaps go for a walk as fresh air can be good to clear your head.

I'm so very sorry that you are having a hard time and hope things get much easier soon.

💐💐

Original poster

probablyoverreacting1 · 16/11/2019 16:44

We message frequently but as we live all round the country I only get to see them a couple times a year. They're old school friends who I've remained in contact with. They sometimes confide in me and I confide in them, so not just like an acquaintance type of friendship.

OP posts:

WagtailRobin · 16/11/2019 16:45

If any of my friends from outside of the city I live were "in town" for "leisure" and didn't make the effort to see me I would be upset also, I totally understand where you're coming from OP.

lookatthebabypenguin · 16/11/2019 16:45

No. If they were decent friends they would have made sure you were properly included.

Making out it's somehow your fault for not predicting it would pan out like this is bullshit.

Have they visited you at all while you've been recovering?

I'm sorry you've been having such a tough time of it.

MyNewBearTotoro · 16/11/2019 16:45

I can see both sides of this. You’re not unreasonable to be upset, but on the other hand it sounds like their plans were very relaxed and they wanted to just take the day as it came.

I think you should have taken more responsibility for arranging where to meet them once you were ‘ready with a full face of make up.’ Why did you just sit and wait rather than making a quick call, especially if you knew the museum was closing? It sounds like you say there waiting until you knew it was getting too late to meet to finalise the arrangements, and considering you were joining them on their plans I feel the onus should have been on you to find out where they were and get yourself there rather than on them to keep updating you with their every movement.

NearlyGranny · 16/11/2019 16:46

That was thoughtless and unkind and you're entitled to be hurt. I do think disappointment is one of the most painful emotions after raw grief. With anger you can let rip but disappointment is a lonely, bitter thing.

You must plan a short trip somewhere nice to spoil yourself and get back into the world again, but not with those friends!

Kaykay06 · 16/11/2019 16:48

That’s horrible op, they were thoughtless and totally selfish fair enough if they said they wouldn’t have time to meet you today but they didn’t.
I would’ve felt the same.
Maybe pop out and get yourself something nice to eat or drink and cosy up on the couch. So sorry you were made to feel like that and I hope your recovery is quick and less stressful from here onwards

Original poster

probablyoverreacting1 · 16/11/2019 16:51

I messaged the group chat and told them I'm ready and waiting and as soon as they drop me a message I'll make my way and get there in half an hour. They told me they'd keep me updated and then nothing. I asked a couple hours before closing what was happening and they said they don't have time to get there and spend enough time there so they're going home. I didn't want to pester them to see me if they weren't bothered.

They haven't seen me at all since my operation. I don't really expect anything from anyone at this point so I'm surprised this has upset me so much.

OP posts:

adaline · 16/11/2019 16:51

Sometimes people are just inconsiderate.

I doubt they meant to be horrible.

Please don't dwell on it too much

ILearnedItFromABook · 16/11/2019 16:52

They probably didn't realise how much you were looking forward to this outing. Maybe they are simply very scattered and bad at planning and timing. (People who can't make or follow plans and seem oblivious to the passage of time are sometimes extremely annoying!) Either way, you're not unreasonable to be disappointed!

Definitely try to treat yourself to something nice, even if it's only a very modest treat.

Original poster

probablyoverreacting1 · 16/11/2019 16:54

Thank you everyone

I'm not even angry at them, I'm just upset that's all

OP posts:

Autumntoowet · 16/11/2019 16:55

If you are in a place like London then YABU but understandably so, loneliness sucks.
I find that sometimes it is stressful and a bit hard to meet someone half through a day out. And they might not wanted to rush to get to transport and to the museum if they were having fun somewhere else

Happygoldfinch · 16/11/2019 17:06

You need to lower your expectations about friendships. My expectations are through the floor, and I'm consequently never disappointed! I think we are only ever our own priority. You sound lovely; go and enjoy some people-watching in a coffee shop

Livebythecoast · 16/11/2019 17:06

I think you have every right to be upset especially as you're a bit vulnerable after your surgery/recovery. It was a big deal for you but it doesn't sound like they afforded you the same level of consideration.
I hope you continue to recover

Easterndream · 16/11/2019 17:40

Hi OP. Please don't take it personally. It's really difficult to organise a group of people, inevitably someone always wants to do one last thing before setting off or before moving to another location.
Maybe they failed to realise how beneficial this day could have been for you, but possibly, because you aren't at your best right now, you didn't let them know that either, who knows. I know when I have been feeling down in the past I have reacted to a situation in a way that I wouldn't have, had I been feeling better in myself.

RedSheep73 · 16/11/2019 17:45

No wonder you feel let down. You have been let down! no words of wisdom here but I think yiu are entitled to feel upset.

Nannewnannew · 16/11/2019 17:46

I’m not surprised you are upset and I cannot agree with pp who said that maybe your friends were having a relaxed day. Relaxed or not they should not have let you down. It’s unforgivable.
I have a similar flaky friend who I have decided to cut contact with, simply because she let me down so many times, I just couldn’t cope with the stress and disappointment anymore.
Not sure how you are going to react in future with your friends but I hope that venting on here has helped you to cope with your disappointment. 💐🍷

Armadillostoes · 16/11/2019 17:52

YANBU and have every right to be upset. I don't know why but in groups people often seem to become more selfish and disorganised. Somehow there's always someone who expects everyone else to hang around whilst they faff about and it just creates a chaotic atmosphere. Maybe had any of them visited individually or just with one another person, they wouldn't have been so thoughtless. Not that this makes their behaviour any better.

Just not bothering when someone you KNOW is waiting for you is incredibly rude. It's not rocket science that it would be upsetting for you to be let down. I hope that you feel better soon.

Bluetac19 · 16/11/2019 18:19

I think you need to tell them. Something like:

I hope you had a nice day all. I have to admit I was really looking forward to seeing you as I don't get out much these days and I'm feeling a bit down.

PurpleDaisies · 16/11/2019 18:23

That’s really horrible of them.

Flip

1 2