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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worst mother ever?

38 replies

rosgirl · 15/11/2019 18:11

My 16 year old dd met a 18 year old on social media, she's met him once when he came to our house she now wants to travel 100 miles to stay the night with him I have refused this and I'm now dealing with a miserable stroppy teenager who hates me aibu or are my worry justified?

OP posts:
puds11 · 15/11/2019 18:11

I think you know the answer to that Hmm

WorraLiberty · 15/11/2019 18:13

FFS

UnrelentingFruitScoffer · 15/11/2019 18:13

Just say “no” firmly and politely and then tell her the subject of her planned trip is closed.

If you think it appropriate you could also tell her to consider planning to meet him for lunch, or a walk or other leisure activity in the middle of the day at the weekend.

mbosnz · 15/11/2019 18:14

Best mother ever. Fixed that for you. Wine?

Original poster
rosgirl · 15/11/2019 18:19

It started as a firm no but has been days upon days of arguing and constant bitching I've offered to take her stay the day ill stay local and I'll drive her back. I think this is a reasonable compromise. I've told her about real life stories to back my answer. She keeps saying her chosen university is further away and I don't have a problem with that I've told her the difference. I'm at my wits end

OP posts:
msmith501 · 15/11/2019 18:20

.... and yet she could leave home, her married, fight for her country....

.... actually I mostly agree but around that age people mature differently and it is important not to project our own insecurities (or how we might have been at that age) onto our DCs. The opposite side of the coin might be to display a bit of trust in her and maybe identify a compromise....? No idea what but might be better than WW3.

msmith501 · 15/11/2019 18:22

Actually she is right about the university angle and although she will be two years older... how much of a difference will it make. It also comes down to the lad as well ... he may have intentions purer than the driven snow or not

UnrelentingFruitScoffer · 15/11/2019 18:25

“ ... and yet she could leave home, her married, fight for her country.... ”

Actually, the OP says her daughter is 16. At sixteen, she could not leave home, she could only get married with parental permission and she could not join the Armed Forces still less be sent to fight.

Leaving home, getting married and joining the Armed Forces are things you can do as of right without your parent’s permission only at 18 not 16.

Original poster
rosgirl · 15/11/2019 18:26

Very good points, my insecurity or her maturity isn't the problem, the problem is she doesn't know him, she doesn't know the area and to be honest her inability to see any of the risks that come with travelling 100 miles to meet a person she's met once, take her age out of it, it's dangerous and as she is not yet an adult it's my responsibility to keep her safe and until that changes she will not be putting herself in any dangerous situations as long as I can help it.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosgirl · 15/11/2019 18:29

He may ur right, he may also be a danger to society, not a chance I'm willing for my daughter to take. I hope to god he proves me wrong I really do. As for uni it'll be a campus, it'll have security. I will know the address, everything has risks obviously but I like to limit it as much as I can

OP posts:
msmith501 · 15/11/2019 18:33

I. Take the points about my points but I think a compromise would be good. Good luck.

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/11/2019 18:40

but I think a compromise would be good.

OP’s offered a compromise. To drive her DD up there for the day, hang around then drive her back again. Presumably DD doesn’t want that.

Hecateh · 15/11/2019 18:42

Ok - you stick to NO, she's annoyed and stroppy for a while but will get over it.

So you say yes - chance of things going very wrong - fairly low but if they do - you have to live with that forever
things going slightly wrong - pretty high - and at some stage in the future she would blame you for not looking after her.

I am normally very much in the 'let them get on with it and learn from their own mistakes' but not in this case. She's a long way from home if/when a problem arises.

I wouldn't go 100 miles to spend the night with someone I'd only met once.

MuthaFunka61 · 15/11/2019 18:43

Nope,do not relent on her travelling alone to visit.

I think your suggestion is a good and reasonable one and in years to come she'll thank you.

Stay strong,this won't last for ever.
G'luck

Butchyrestingface · 15/11/2019 18:44

Actually, the OP says her daughter is 16. At sixteen, she could not leave home, she could only get married with parental permission and she could not join the Armed Forces still less be sent to fight.

Depends where she lives. Where I live In the UK, a 16 year old could certainly leave home and/or get married without parental consent.

PollyFeather · 15/11/2019 18:45

I wouldn't be offering compromises on this. It's a no and that's that.

The only thing I'd possibly consider is him popping up again to see her for the day at some point.

bowchicawowwow · 15/11/2019 18:48

To be fair, it's a non starter at the age of 16 and 18 with a 100 mile distance between them. Best that it's over before it goes any further!

Tellmetruth4 · 15/11/2019 18:49

Tell her to get him to come to her for the day. After all he’s 18 so can do what he wants. If he’s genuinely keen he’ll do it and it will also give you a chance to get the measure of him.

TheDarkPassenger · 15/11/2019 18:52

I think her idea to do this in the first place proves to you how immature she still is, I would stick with no for now. She’s not 18 yet!

Blanca87 · 15/11/2019 18:52

@UnrelentingFruitScoffer A 16 year old in Scotland can get married. Further, in the UK you can join the army at 16. I almost did.

RiftGibbon · 15/11/2019 18:52

Butchy I must be looking in the wrong place at the law. I'm in the UK and as far as I can see, parental consent is required for marriage if the person is under 18 (and over 16).

OP, I think you have offered a very reasonable compromise. Are you fully explaining your concerns to your DD? Surely her school have covered internet safety? Or is her thinking that because she has met him once, he isn't "someone she doesn't know"?

billy1966 · 15/11/2019 18:53

Of course you are right.

No one likes the word No.

It comes from a place of concern.

You have offered a very reasonable compromise.

Tell her to get over herself.

LynetteScavo · 15/11/2019 18:57

One parenting trick I learned with teenagers was not to say no immediately, as they often change their mind:the party gets cancelled and then I'm not the bad guy.

But in this case it would be a flat no.

And if she fussed I wouldn't feel like taking her for the day.

carly2803 · 15/11/2019 18:59

why has she got to go to him at16?

make him come here!?

clearly after 1 thing and i wouldnot be okaying my 16 year old to go there,let alone take her!

Original poster
rosgirl · 15/11/2019 18:59

Thank you all. I was starting to think I was overreacting. I'm fine with being the worst mother EVER until she's over it. They are meeting in our nearest city next week, I'm trying not to push her into doing something stupid just to get back at me. I have also spoken to out local pcso who is a friend and a colleague is going to come speak to her about the dangers just for her to see that it isn't me being a bitch to be honest and drum into her it is a dangerous situation to be in

OP posts: