Imposter syndrome or just rude people

[Candlesandrust]

I'm a bit stuck, I don't know if a situation I've found myself in at work is just me over thinking or if the people involved are being unpleasant. Help please, here goes.

I think I'm a fairly intelligent, down to earth woman with a great many years of working experience behind me. I've worked in high profile Director roles, but I've taken a massive step away from this and now work in a stress free, calm environment in a role that I'm over qualified for. Not a problem, my choice entirely. My job is mostly housekeeping, cleaning, laundry but my employer is building his own website and has asked me to be involved in some of the meetings. My employer is extremely wealthy, has houses all over the world, Oxbridge educated, upper-class. I'm not, I worked bloody hard for everything I achieved.

So first of all I'm introduced at the meeting as Mr X's wife, not Candles. Blood starts to boil but I take it in my stride. As the meeting progresses, it becomes apparent marketing consultant who's helping to build the website is a social acquaintance of my employer. They start to discuss people/places they visit, assuming I wouldn't possibly visit these places as I'm not upper class enough. e.g. The Pig chain of hotels, why would I even know they exist.

As the meeting draws to a close I'm almost completely excluded from every part of the conversation, even though many of the people they know and visit, I also know or visit. It wasn't like I could butt in, it was a conversation, 'oh marketing consultant you'll know xxx, they're the Travel Editor in House and Garden', etc. Yawn and double yawn.

Am I being over sensitive because I am the cleaner/laundry woman, but I've been asked to attend this meeting because employer recognises I have experience in the area he's discussing. Or are they pompous, bilious twats?

I don't understand why you were introduced as Mr X's wife.. how is that relevant? Why would someone do that rather than introduce you as you, or your role.

I would expect to be introduced as me, and then if that doesn't make it clear why I am there, 'Widdlin's here at my invitation because x and y reason'...

So.. yeah, YANBU.. twats.

Mr X or Mr Candlesandrust is known to both parties fairly well, better than I am to be honest as I don't really know the marketing consultant. So there was a point to it, but I still don't think it was right.

why were you introduced as Mrs X's wife? Was Mr X there? Do they even know Mr X?

what a strange situation! Forgive mt stupidity but what's the relevance of imposter syndrome - do you think they are trying to discredit you? Why are they inviting you to meetings? Do you have any NDAs- trusting you a great deal?

The Inn Keepers Wife?

I don't understand why your employer mentioned your husband. How do they even know him? Does your husband have some professional cachet that your employer values? Is it possible you've got the job because your employer thinks that gets them an 'in' with your husband?

The rest of it sounds rude and pompous, but not necessarily personal. How would they know who you know or where you've been? But it's rude to have lengthy conversations that exclude someone else.

Yes Mr X is well known to both, sorry I should have said that. It didn't make sense otherwise.

Imposter syndrome, as in me thinking I shouldn't be there, don't deserve to be there. I'm invited to the meeting due to my background and experience before this role which they're well aware of. No NDA's, trust is vital in the role I do anyway. His home is full of antiques, expensive artwork, books and music. If he didn't trust me he'd have a bigger issue than this.

So the meeting involved belittling you? Fuck that. I was a housekeeper for 6 years and not once did my female boss refer to me as Mr Howls wife. Funny that.

I'd tell the fucker to stick his cleaning job up his middle class arse.

Sorry I don't understand The Inn Keeper's Wife? What's that about?

Actually I can understand if they know your husband that they’d say you were their wife showing a link/why he was happy to have you on the meeting.
If I was at my DH’a work chrismtas doo I would completely expect to be introduced as “this is Sarah, Jim’s wife” etc showing a link.
But the rest of it I can see why you’re struggling with it.
And this is from someone who when my MIL sends me cards to Mrs DH first initial surname I’m going to send them back as not known at this address!

let me get this straight - you are employed as a housekeeper for an associate/ acquaintance of your husband and they are trying to use your marketing skills in a meeting? perhaps i shouldn't be posting as i'm not grasping!

This is all a bit confusing. It sounds like you are an employee of a self-important billionaire type who surrounds himself with lackeys (sorry). If you are in a sort of PA role, I suppose it's not necessarily surprising that he would treat you this way. It does sound rather thoughtless and rude though.

The thing is I was invited to the meeting on my own merits, for my own knowledge and experience, nothing to do with Mr Candles. I am also an employee not the wife of an employee. They both know him and marketing consultant knows him well, so I can see why the link was made. It's still bollocks though.

@toycar - yes I'm employed as a housekeeper. My employer knows my husband very well. I have a marketing background so was invited to the meeting due to my past roles, not the one I'm in currently.

You took a change in your career direction for a reason and sounds like you were hsppy with your choice. I would leave them to it.

The Innkeepers wife thing - there's another thread going on that. I'll see if i can find it.

But you are employed as housekeep not marketing?

so whats the aibu? "Aibu by doubting myself and ability?" or separately "aibu to think my employer was rude when introducing me?" Im not being obtuse, I dont get this, tried to offer an insight as sometimes i've been asked to attend really odd meetings!

link to 'to be outraged by Nativity casting as 'Innkeeper's wife'!!! '

link

Or are they pompous, bilious twats?

^ That.

The thing is, whether you are Mrs Candles or whatever or X's wife or indeed a husband... you are the housekeeper. You are employed for a specific job and then your boss wanted a bit of input on something else. The crossover seems to have caused awkwardness.

The man sounds a bit pompous, but possibly he wasn't including you in the social chit-chat as it was primarily a meeting between the two of them, not really you.

Is it your plan that you get into his business, and the housekeeping role was a back route in?

@LizzieMacQueen why the link? Nothing to do with me but thanks.

My AIBU is am I unreasonable to be pissed off about being treated like this or should I take it in my stride in my new role? I've never treated cleaners/housekeepers as less important, I think they do an important supportive role but clearly some people do and maybe I should just accept this along with much less stress and responsibility.

Well, it is their loss. They invited you because you have skills they wanted to use and then they excluded you from the conversation. So in future, stick to your current job and don´t get involved. You are getting paid for the job that you want to do, the rest of it is not your problem.

No I definitely don't want to be included in his business. I don't even really want to be included in this website meeting, I just went along as I was asked and it was in my working hours. It was much easier than making beds and cleaning toilets but at least the bloody toilet doesn't make me feel like lower-class pond life.

Yes, stick to your housekeeping and leave your pompous boss to his namedropping non meetings.