It's not reasonable, is it? If you say you'll take over a job, you should be able to do it on your own, surely?

[OhPrudence]

My husband seems to find it impossible to complete a task without me being involved. Today I was working so I couldn't do some life admin that I'd said I would do another time. He was fretting about it (despite the deadline being 3 weeks away), and decided to do it instead. But this involved multiple phone calls for details from me. I'd said that I couldn't do it while at work, but somehow still ended up being recruited to the task, interrupting my job.

There's a history here of when I have a day just me and our toddler, being given a list of tasks to complete (buy this from the shop, can you pick up my parcel, why don't you do this gardening), not acknowledging that I might have already made plans for our day. On the rare evening I'm not cooking dinner, I get asked what he should make for the family - I still have to do the thinking. On the rare times I might be sitting down and he's, e.g. cleaning the kitchen, he'll make it clear that he expects me to be doing something as well, I don't think he can see me being inactive.

In a happier marriage this post could be lighthearted but sadly we're struggling after multiple miscarriages, suspected depression (him), feeling near burnout (me). I feel like my time isn't my own (it isn't much anyway with working ft and a toddler, but even in any rare moments of peace I feel like I'm being recruited to help out, or make a decision, or just somehow use some energy for something instead of ever being left alone). I'm exhausted and I realise our context almost definitely points to bigger issues, but on this one thing - this taking over a task INCLUDING the mental effort, am I actually just being a bitch about it by wanting to relinquish all responsibility?

YANBU, you should have switched your phone off. That was very rude of him to keep calling you at work.

Just stop enabling it and he will eventually get the message!

Oh damn it, you are right I do enable it.

'No, I have plans' when he tries to schedule your day.
Ignore when he's mithering for details.
'Whatever you like' when he can't think of what to cook.

I have employed the following phrases to ward off DH when he does this:

Yes dear. Whatever you think is best.
You're in charge.
I don't mind, you choose.

You need to disengage. You say he 'expects' you to be busy too. What does he say/do? If he's not coming right out and saying something about it, ignore! Take the expectation off yourself. Stop feeling guilty for having a relaxed moment.

These phrases are good, I will try to adopt them or similar as standard.

What he says/does it he's tidying and I'm not - he will find something that he doesn't know where it goes, or belongs to me (headphones that I perhaps put down somewhere that day, a letter addressed to me that I left on the side), and exasperatedly say something like "can you MOVE this, I don't know where it goes". I do invariably jump up and do as asked, though, I'm not helping the situation.

I have also made myself sound far messier than I am and him far tidier than he is. This exchange will be on the rare occasions he decides to do some tidying, 70-80% of the time it will be me tidying, without recruiting his help.

‘Just leave it them’ will suffice for that example and then do not notice the huffing.

Phrases to use:

"Oh, right..." (to comments like "Your headphones are on the table)
"Just leave them"
"I don´t have an opinion, do whatever you feel like doing"

Or just remove yourself from the vicinity until he is done.

You sound utterly controlled in the relationship.

Fuck that, tell him he's a big boy and he can manage to clean up a bit by himself. If you are the one doing it the majority of the time he has no business asking you for help when you are trying to relax.

It may not be intentional or intentionally mean, many men are just used to women doing the majority of the work and not expecting them to pitch in - just be firm that he is perfectly capable of taking on domestic responsibility from time to time (or he needs to learn how to) and that you are taking some personal time as you have done XYZ that day and need a break.

also try things like

• I am not making that decision for you, you are an adult. It is more confrontational, but in some cases that is the right thing, to push back a bit.

With tidying, I have been known to say - if I was doing it, I would work out what to do with it, either put it away, or put it to one side for me to do later.

Do you really think so @Countryescape? That's one of my private fears, but I also often feel like I might be overreacting to think those kinds of thoughts.

I try to remember to say things like:

• I don't know, would you like me to interrupt what I am doing to come and do it for you?
• I will attend to that when I have a free minute (never)
• You decide, I am busy.

Interesting to hear that people find this controlling behaviour, I haven't thought of this with DP but stamped on it when DS used to do it as a teenager. I am going to monitor it more closely now.
I'm expecting DP this evening (we don't live together) I will count the times he does this.

@OhPrudence
I feel similar to you in response to Countryescape's post.

Why don't you just say no?

He phones you at work for something: no I'm busy.

He asks you to do things if you're at home: no I have plans so won't have the time.

Re headphones - no I'm busy doing ...

Or when he won't shut up - as recognised on MN NO is a complete sentence. Fuck off is also useful.

I agree with PP that you are enabling him and he is controlling you. Time to stop.

Tell him to ring his mother and ask her, obviously in the most sarcastic tone you can muster.

God he sounds like a fuckwit, how do you even put up with that all day?! Just tell him - you seem like a bit of an imbecile right now are you not embarassed

Thanks all. It is not a surprise to hear people suggest I'm not helping the situation. I'm aware of my part in this but do doubt myself when it comes to these interactions because my husband will react as if I'm being unreasonable if I don't help, or worse if I get annoyed.

'Just make a little pile and I'll deal with it later.'

Well then ask him "how many times have i addressed you in the same manner? How many times have i interrupted your work or down time or made you change your plans? How many?"

Let me preface this by saying that my OH is practically perfect (in my eyes anyway 😁) but even then I actually found myself snapping at him to use his own brain rather than mine a few weeks ago. Not the greatest response but it perfectly described how I was thinking at the time!

Heh my DH used to do this when we cooked together "how many carrots? What needs to be done next?" I said I dunno look at the recipe!

I use exactly the same phrase as Waspfig. DH has learned to think on his own when he hears them.

I am a teacher and tell kids outright that I won't do their thinking for them. I also point out that they are trying to transfer their problem onto me so that I solve for it them. They genuinely do not know they are doing this and need to be trained out of it. (They usually want the shortest route to getting stuff done and are used to others doing it for them - a trait shared with some many grown men.)

Sounds like your husband has trained you to think for him. Don't try smart answers or ignoring him. He'll just think you're being obtuse or lazy. I'd go straight to the heart of the matter. Tell him he is a grown up and he needs to take responsibility. If he really needs your help, he has to wait for a time that is convenient for you. (I'd also go bonkers at being disturbed when relaxing but that's probably not constructive.)

My husband does this and it drives me insane, I just say to him 'do it yourself'.

The other day he rang me from Superdrug to ask me where the hand sanitiser was???

You literally have to say 'that's not my problem, do it yourself'