It's not reasonable, is it? If you say you'll take over a job, you should be able to do it on your own, surely?

[OhPrudence]

My husband seems to find it impossible to complete a task without me being involved. Today I was working so I couldn't do some life admin that I'd said I would do another time. He was fretting about it (despite the deadline being 3 weeks away), and decided to do it instead. But this involved multiple phone calls for details from me. I'd said that I couldn't do it while at work, but somehow still ended up being recruited to the task, interrupting my job.

There's a history here of when I have a day just me and our toddler, being given a list of tasks to complete (buy this from the shop, can you pick up my parcel, why don't you do this gardening), not acknowledging that I might have already made plans for our day. On the rare evening I'm not cooking dinner, I get asked what he should make for the family - I still have to do the thinking. On the rare times I might be sitting down and he's, e.g. cleaning the kitchen, he'll make it clear that he expects me to be doing something as well, I don't think he can see me being inactive.

In a happier marriage this post could be lighthearted but sadly we're struggling after multiple miscarriages, suspected depression (him), feeling near burnout (me). I feel like my time isn't my own (it isn't much anyway with working ft and a toddler, but even in any rare moments of peace I feel like I'm being recruited to help out, or make a decision, or just somehow use some energy for something instead of ever being left alone). I'm exhausted and I realise our context almost definitely points to bigger issues, but on this one thing - this taking over a task INCLUDING the mental effort, am I actually just being a bitch about it by wanting to relinquish all responsibility?

Same for 'where's my...?'

I had to sit him down and explain that I have enough to deal with looking after my own responsibilities and when he does that it means I not only have to look out for my things but take a mental note of where all his things are too and it's exhausting.

He's much better at it now but you have to be direct about it.

RosiePosiePuddle nailed it

I had written paragraphs worth , all deleted once I read wot RosiePosiePuddle wrote. Now I've taken a screen shot of that perfect answer for moral support and to send DH in extremis.

I agree, @FinallyHere. Thank you to everyone who has posted, it's not great to hear that other people have had the same issues, but I'm very pleased to hear some of you have tackled it.

Thank you @RosiePosiePuddle. Where you say he would think I'm being obtuse or lazy if I tried a smart answer - that's nailed another of our issues. I posted about it under this username previously - our disagreements/arguments end up drifting from the subject because he'll be defensive and say that my tone is upsetting. I could definitely imagine him suggesting that I'm just being obtuse by not responding to his requests to help him out.

I genuinely don't think he's doing anything deliberately or maliciously, but I am feeling controlled right now.

Another phrase you might find useful for "Where's my...…?" is said in the cheerful tone of one playing a fun guessing game; "No, I give in, where is it?" As a retired teacher, I remember all too well the default option of offloading the mental burden.
If he phones you at work, could someone else answer and take a message; I know this depends on the setup.
If he feels you are being unreasonable, agree cheerfully to do whatever as soon as you can, making flattering references to his drive, common sense and initiative.

Not quite the same but this thread made me think of it.

This morning I came downstairs, put a blanket on my lap, grabbed my laptop and settled down to relax.

DD said 'Can you help me empty the dishwasher?'

I said I'd rather not right now but I'd happily do it later if she left it.

She said 'I wanted to do it to be nice but I don't want to do it all myself.'

It made me smile at the time.

I could definitely imagine him suggesting that I'm just being obtuse by not responding to his requests to help him out

It sounds like you suspect you are being obtuse, and that mentally you need to come to terms with the fact that it's OK to allow yourself time to not respond, it's OK to make your own plans for the day, it's OK to take time out to rest, and it's OK to leave things to someone else to work out sometimes. It's OK to put yourself first every so often.

I actually found myself snapping at him to use his own brain rather than mine a few weeks ago. Not the greatest response but it perfectly described how I was thinking at the time.

I love this!

I like the phrase 'use your own brain instead of mine' it sound up the issue... I'm stealing that for my dc

*Sums not sound

Urgh, I think I’d rather be on my own than deal with that for an extended period of time.

The mental load thing was my marriage for a long time. It wasn't controlling it was ignorant. This comic helped a lot for me to recognise and stop it: I sent it to him too.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Say no. It's absolutely fine to do that. I had to learn not to jump in and rescue him when he got it wrong or did it differently to me. I had to recognise that my habits were not that great and stop them too.