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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think that the "be kind" sound bite is often damaging?

44 replies

notnowmaybelater · 15/11/2019 14:52

Obviously nobody should be deliberately cruel or nasty. Do no harm is not the same as "be kind". Everyone should do all they can to avoid harming others of course.

However I am increasingly concerned that quite vulnerable people are being told that they have to be kind first and foremost, and that this is often detrimental to one or both parties.

Sometimes, often in fact, children, girls, women and indeed vulnerable men need to put on their own oxygen masks first. Sometimes they may put themselves at risk or incur an unacceptable cost (not necessarily financial) by believing that they are a bad person if not seen by others as always, always kind.

Sometimes being kind is misguided and does harm, and sometimes it opens the vulnerable person up to exploitation (not necessarily criminal nor even calculated exploitation, though this is sometimes a risk, but exploitation of their good intentions) and sometimes kindness isn't what the other person needs.

AIBU to think the bland "be kind" admonishment is often completely inappropriate, and we should think more critically before telling vulnerable people including children that it's the rule they must live by always and in every situation?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 15/11/2019 14:54

Being kind includes being kind to yourself and ensuring you enforce your own boundaries, it doesn't mean let anyone walk all over you

Garlicandherb · 15/11/2019 14:56

I do agree to some extent, there’s probably a lot of grey area in here though. Quite similar to “don’t be rude”, which could make some vulnerable adults and children stay in situations that they find threatening.

Anotherlongdrive · 15/11/2019 14:58

Yanbu. People (particularly women and children) and told to be kind, even above their own well being or safety.

Widowodiw · 15/11/2019 14:58

I think you are perhaps over thinking it. I thought this be kind
Sound bite came about because of trolling on line and of course rise in mental
Health issues. It is right the world would be a nicer place if we were all kind. However, it doesn’t say stop me from teaching my kids that if they find themselves in a vulnerable situation and need to get out they can be as unkind as possible
As they have to watch their own backs.

notnowmaybelater · 15/11/2019 15:01

Shoxfordian I agree with you, but you have to be quite confident/ mentally strong and capable of/ in a position to step back and give yourself space for a degree of critical thinking to realise that.

I'm hearing "be kind" "that's not the kind thing to do" used / understood as be selfless and put others first, and think this is something only people in positions of genuine strength/ confidence/ security should be asked to do.

OP posts:
WhineUp · 15/11/2019 15:02

I tend to treat most people with cool politeness. Niceness or kindness is reserved for a select few - I've no time to do emotional labour for random people. Saves me time and energy.

So, YANBU.

formerbabe · 15/11/2019 15:03

How funny, I was going to start a thread about this today!

I'm fucking sick of the Facebook memes preaching at me to be kind.

I'm a polite and considerate person.
I also used to be a terrible people pleaser...I was brought up never to cause anyone any bother much to my own detriment.

I hate the be kind shit...it's only ever aimed at women.

VanyaHargreeves · 15/11/2019 15:04

I think this is particularly drilled into girls, were boys get "boys will be boys"

Encouraging boundaries is better

Be kind sometimes means being the one to suffer for the sake of not making a fuss

A bad message.

oreomum · 15/11/2019 15:04

I agree with you and maybe "Be kind if you can" is more appropriate.
Be Kind can end up being a recipe for creating a doormat. Everybody has needs and sometimes your personal need trumps other people's needs. For example it would be kind to offer a parking space near a shop but your passenger might be on crutches and that spot will make their life easier so you shouldn't feel bad.

notnowmaybelater · 15/11/2019 15:05

Widowodiw you're right of course in the way you teach your children.

A person needs strong boundaries and the ability to say no before they can be kind.

In "real life" rather than on line.

I've recently seen a young woman with mild learning disabilities and a small child both placed in difficult - and in the young woman's case dangerous - situations because they believed that they had to be kind.

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 15/11/2019 15:06

I’m not on Facebook

I think of “be kind” as giving up your seat on the Tube, be patient if the person ahead of you in the supermarket is being slow etc. Just generally be kind. Nothing massive or onerous. Nothing that would be difficult to do. OP I feel like you have a different interpretation?

WhineUp · 15/11/2019 15:06

Does anyone genuinely feel bad about taking up a more convenient parking space, unless the other person is disabled?

Really?

Wow.

formerbabe · 15/11/2019 15:06

I know a woman who when she was a teenager got dragged into really inappropriate conversations with a man on her way to school. She was brought up to be incredibly polite and nice... luckily nothing else occured but it's really important to remember it's fine to be rude sometimes.

notnowmaybelater · 15/11/2019 15:06

WhineUp yes absolutely be polite, but kind isn't always appropriate.

OP posts:
Shallow07 · 15/11/2019 15:07

Totally agree, OP. Of course it's good to be kind to people but not at the expense of your own boundaries. Have spent many $$ in therapy to learn that particular life lesson! Girls in particular seem to have this drummed into them.

AutumnRose1 · 15/11/2019 15:07

X post

Sounds like we are planets apart in interpretation!

ILearnedItFromABook · 15/11/2019 15:08

What I don't like is how often I see people on MN saying it would "be kind" to do this or that when it's clear that the OP has already "been kind" and grown sick of it because there's no end in sight and s/he is in fact being taken advantage of. They've been "kind", but there's this implication that they must go on "being kind" at the expense of their own happiness, well-being, or security, and if they stop doing whatever it is they've been doing, they're no longer "kind".

Besides, most people know perfectly well when they're being unkind, and hearing/seeing "be kind" isn't likely to sway them toward kindness, in and of itself.

WhineUp · 15/11/2019 15:08

@notnowaybelater

Yup. It's what I'm trying to say. I am kind, sometimes, to some people, and always on my own terms.

formerbabe · 15/11/2019 15:08

None of my male friends on fb post memes about being kind...only the women.

oreomum · 15/11/2019 15:09

I assume that the people who post "be kind" are asking people to suck it up but that might be the people that I know.

notnowmaybelater · 15/11/2019 15:12

AutumnRose1 it's often used to mean be a doormat as others say - put other people's feelings first, ignore your own discomfort to make others comfortable. Of course there are situations where this is the right thing to do - but never where the kindness will put the kind person in danger or any kind, and often even when there is no physical danger it's psychologically damaging and a bad default position to encourage a child or young woman or indeed teenage boy to adopt.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 15/11/2019 15:13

I remember when my DC were toddlers and we'd be at the park or a babygroup and another child wanted the toy they had or to go on the slide at first. Initially, I'd say to my DC, give them the toy or let them have a go first whilst the other parent never said that to their own DC. In the end I felt like I was just teaching my own child to be a mug.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/11/2019 15:17

Have good boundaries and be kind isn't as good a soundbite unfortunately. I see the boys in the school playground getting away with murder and the girls 'being kind' who put up with a lot of shit, then when they go to seek help they are told to 'be kind' then too.

DD will be told to be kind when kindness is appropriate and fight her corner when fighting is appropriate.

AutumnRose1 · 15/11/2019 15:18

Thanks OP

I will be careful how I use the phrase because I feel like the “constant rush” culture could benefit from what I’d call kindness using the examples I gave.

But I have solid boundaries and hadnt a clue about what this might mean on Facebook.

AutumnRose1 · 15/11/2019 15:21

formerbabe “ Initially, I'd say to my DC, give them the toy or let them have a go first whilst the other parent never said that to their own DC. In the end I felt like I was just teaching my own child to be a mug.L

Ah, that’s interesting! Mum’s parents did that to her, to the point they ended up giving a favourite toy to a cousin who was wailing and crying that they wanted it. Mum is 81 and hasn’t forgotten it! So she was keen to teach boundaries and “don’t let anyone take the piss” alongside “give up your seat on the bus”.