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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think that the "be kind" sound bite is often damaging?

44 replies

notnowmaybelater · 15/11/2019 14:52

Obviously nobody should be deliberately cruel or nasty. Do no harm is not the same as "be kind". Everyone should do all they can to avoid harming others of course.

However I am increasingly concerned that quite vulnerable people are being told that they have to be kind first and foremost, and that this is often detrimental to one or both parties.

Sometimes, often in fact, children, girls, women and indeed vulnerable men need to put on their own oxygen masks first. Sometimes they may put themselves at risk or incur an unacceptable cost (not necessarily financial) by believing that they are a bad person if not seen by others as always, always kind.

Sometimes being kind is misguided and does harm, and sometimes it opens the vulnerable person up to exploitation (not necessarily criminal nor even calculated exploitation, though this is sometimes a risk, but exploitation of their good intentions) and sometimes kindness isn't what the other person needs.

AIBU to think the bland "be kind" admonishment is often completely inappropriate, and we should think more critically before telling vulnerable people including children that it's the rule they must live by always and in every situation?

OP posts:
Camomila · 15/11/2019 15:23

I like it as a quote but I think everyone interprets it differently.
I see it more in the same vein as 'it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness'

So rather than concentrate on all the things I don't have (eg, a mortgage, much disposable income) I try to focus on how lucky I am and do things that make the world a bit better (eg, donate old clothes to the childrens centre)
I tell DS to be kind and considerate too (eg, inside voice in waiting rooms)

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 15/11/2019 15:23

The message of "be kind" without adding "but be cautious" reminds me of this scene in Silence of the Lambs.

AIBU to think that the "be kind" sound bite is often damaging?
oreomum · 15/11/2019 15:29

Whineup- lots of people truly believe that Parent and Child spaces are for parents only. If they used their common sense they'd realise that people with blue badges who can't get a space and other cars might need the space more. I saw someone today verbally abuse someone who parked in P&C and the passenger was on crutches. There's a long history of P&C space angst on here where people post their outrage that an adult with an older child or no child dare park in a wide spot.

caranconnor · 15/11/2019 15:30

I think there is not enough real kindness in the world. But boundaries are crucial and putting yourself first

Greenwingmemories · 15/11/2019 15:55

I guess I agree with you because I was brought up to always put others first because that's the polite/kind thing to do. Never questioned it until much older. Now I realise how ridiculous it is. It meant that I always missed out. Often the other person wasn't told to take turns. Didn't realise I could say no to things I didn't want to do. Also meant I was unconsciously seething.

I'm much clearer with my children about the difference between kindness and being a doormat. And no way does it mean always putting others first or putting up with shit.

notnowmaybelater · 15/11/2019 16:26

WhineUp sorry, yep I was agreeing Grin

OP posts:
notnowmaybelater · 15/11/2019 16:29

Camomila I don't think being polite and glass half full is being kind, but it certainly seems to be interpreted differently by different people.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 15/11/2019 16:35

absolutely op.

being kind to some people is dangerous.

PlasticPatty · 15/11/2019 16:35

'Be kind', along with 'healing is your responsibility' and 'we can control how we respond' - these are unhelpful and in the case of the latter two, untrue.

But 'Be rational', 'Consider your own perspective and apply your own boundaries' don't sound so appealing.

Orangeblossom78 · 15/11/2019 16:41

You see it quite a lot on here when people are putting up with shit from someone and fed up with it. I sometimes think when they see 'be kind' it means, well if I say no i will be 'unkind'. No you are just having boundaries.

TheMidasTouch · 15/11/2019 16:48

The Collins dictionary defines kindness as being gentle, caring and helpful.

The Cambridge dictionary defines it as the quality of being generous, helpful and caring about other people.

I think being considerate of others probably covers it really. It doesn't mean sacrificing yourself and only caring about others. We all need to be kind to ourselves too.

TheMidasTouch · 15/11/2019 16:56

@PlasticPatty

'Be kind', along with 'healing is your responsibility' and 'we can control how we respond' - these are unhelpful and in the case of the latter two, untrue"
Can you explain why you think the last one is untrue. I think we can choose how we respond to something but could be wrong I suppose.

MoltenLasagne · 15/11/2019 17:05

YANBU OP - I got assaulted as a young teenager because I thought being kind meant I couldn't move away from the creepy man on the bus. It took me a long time to learn the importance of boundaries and that being polite doesn't mean being a doormat and putting up with being treated like crap.

Love51 · 15/11/2019 17:19

I remember as a teenager my mum telling me that I don't have to be polite to all of the people all of the time, which was essentially about trusting my boundaries and moving away from creepy men. I think be respectful rather than polite, although do what you need to keep safe.

TheMidasTouch · 15/11/2019 17:28

Being polite and being kind aren't the same thing though. Being polite is showing good manners and behaving in a socially correct manner.

I think the problem is one of interpretation and perhaps we all sometimes think we know what words mean but we don't really.

What about the term 'being cruel to be kind' which often involves showing tough love to someone.?

PlasticPatty · 16/11/2019 21:04

@TheMidasTouch
Could, but can't be arsed. Work it out, it's not hard. Unless, of course, you have no experience of cognitive variations.

OhioOhioOhio · 16/11/2019 21:09

What foxshordian said.

lazylinguist · 16/11/2019 21:14

It depends how you define 'kind' really. Speaking to people in a kind way costs nothing and is not the same as acting like a doormat or not having boundaries.

satanstoenailsandwich · 16/11/2019 21:16

Being kind doesn't always mean putting others first or even telling people what they want to hear. Sometimes the kindest thing is to be honest but it's in how you deliver it - gently and helpfully or just brutally. It's up to us to teach our children what kindness means.

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