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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreliable mum friend?

43 replies

Cantbearsedwiththisshit · 15/11/2019 13:05

I'm fairly laidback but she really is so unreliable. We'll arrange a date to meet. I'll message 24 hours or so in advance to say "are we still on?" (which seems to be what my other friends do, so I don't think I'm abnormally pushy or clingy). Half the time she won't respond until the date has passed. Or she'll say she's available but won't come back when I suggest a time, then it'll get to six pm on the day with no check-in from her and I'll just get an apology. Or we'll meet up but she'll be ninety minutes late.

Honestly, I wouldn't usually put up with this kind of thing. It's annoying waiting at home all day for someone who doesn't realise your time has value to get in touch. But my DS (aged 4) really loves her DD (same age) and wants to keep the friendship. Is there any way I can manage this? She doesn't have a young baby to get out of the house, nor is there anything else going on, to my knowledge (I know I can't say that with complete certainty but I'm as sure as I can be). Also, she suggests plans as often as I do so I don't think I'm just being obtuse about being phased out. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantbearsedwiththisshit · 15/11/2019 13:20

Sorry, saying that my time has value makes me sound like a twat! But you know what I mean. DS will be at school soon and there are other fun things we could be doing!

OP posts:
Mammylamb · 15/11/2019 13:22

You are not a twat. You’re time does have a value. I know a few mum friends like that and I don’t meet them one on one but arrange to meet them in a group instead

honeygirlz · 15/11/2019 13:26

Hmm tricky one, as I would usually just suggest not bothering with her anymore.

Could you arrange things to do that would not inconvenience you if they don’t turn up?

E.g. arrange a play date at your house or the park, but don’t tell DD that they’re coming so if they don’t turn up then you’ve not wasted a morning/afternoon and DD is not upset?

Gingerninja01 · 15/11/2019 13:31

I wouldn’t wait indoors for her. If you arrange to meet at say the park or soft play etc and by the time you and your kid have had enough and want to leave, don’t wait around for her, just go. If she then arrives much later and texts to ask where you are, make a point of saying you arrived at the agreed time, waited around for a couple of hours or whatever, then left as you presumed she wasn’t turning up again.

Thestrangestthing · 15/11/2019 13:34

Do it back to her. Although that may not work if she is always the one ignoring you. Next time she asks you to do something just say you will let her know and then font get back to her.
Personally I would just stop trying to have a friendship with her.

VisibleShantiLine · 15/11/2019 13:37

I have friends like this. We now decide on what we want to do then invite them along. We go at the specified time. Have fun. They always arrive just as we're leaving. Like hours after we agreed to meet. We used to stick around which would end up affecting my son who was in dire need of a nap by that stage. So we don't anymore and just leave when we're ready to go. They get shitty but too bad.

misspiggy19 · 15/11/2019 13:42

Nope I wouldn’t bother with her. She clearly has no respect for you.

dottypotter · 15/11/2019 13:43

how rude.

yesteaandawineplease · 15/11/2019 13:47

I had a mum friend like this and it did my head in. Initially I engenieered it so we met a toddler group so if they didn't appear it wouldn't matter so much. now the kids are at school we don't see them much at all as I am not prepared to do the organising, chasing and then be let down half the time.

Littlepeak34 · 15/11/2019 13:48

Exactly what honeygirlz said

Andysbestadventure · 15/11/2019 13:50

He's 4. Find other friends. Move on.

Hadalifeonce · 15/11/2019 13:50

I had a friend like this, she obviously didn't value me or our friendship, nor that of our children.

Even though we both made arrangements she was always late or didn't turn up. I decided not to contact her until she contacted me for the next meeting, that was about 10 years ago, never heard from her. I occasionally see her and we exchange pleasantries, but that's all. I really didn't miss explaining to my DC why they didn't arrive etc..

JusticeForSandra · 15/11/2019 13:57

VisibleShantiLine

perfect solution!

StrictlyNameChangin · 15/11/2019 14:03

Your time does have value.

What about phoning her, woulds speaking to you mean she has to give you a direct answer? Then text confirm in the morning, then chase if she's more than 10 mins late, if 20 mins say "going home with a disappointed kid now, not sure what happened to you? :( "

HollowTalk · 15/11/2019 14:08

Your son will make new friends. Meeting up with this friend will always be a disappointing experience because of his flaky mother.

1wokeuplikethis · 15/11/2019 14:08

It’s that old chestnut of if someone wants to spend time with you then they will, or whatever to that effect.

She is either flaky, not really into you or chronically disorganised but I would be leaning towards the second, I’m sorry to say. It’s a shame for your child, but the best thing you can do for your daughter is invest your time (which IS valuable) in some of her other friends and encourage her to broaden her friendship circle in a 4 year old way.

1wokeuplikethis · 15/11/2019 14:08

Sorry, your son

TheOrigFV45 · 15/11/2019 14:10

Have you confronted her about this?
Unless she has the hide of an elephant she will know she's being rude.

Or be a bit more upfront in your txts e.g. "if I don't hear from you by x o'clock I'll assume you're not free and I'll make other plans"

pumpkinpie01 · 15/11/2019 14:15

I had a friend like this , would drive me mad. I would spend time with other friends or maybe just arrange to pick her child up and take them to yours for a few hours for a play, but don't tell your child in advance incase it doesn't materialise either.

midsomermurderess · 15/11/2019 14:15

I'd let it dwindle away, she's a user. Your child is 4, he or she will soon forget about this person's child.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/11/2019 14:17

Honestly I'd stop suggesting or following up on any arrangements. If she contacts you just respond "lovely, let me know the day before what time and where" and then if you haven't heard by the day before just wrote it off.

Orangecake123 · 15/11/2019 14:19

I always confirm the day before too, and would personally stop putting the effort in and find your son a new friend. She doesn't respect you enough to be on time.

Stravapalava · 15/11/2019 14:21

Say something like "we're going to the park if you want to meet us there" and then you're going to park anyway, so not sat round waiting for her.

underneaththeash · 15/11/2019 14:22

I don't think she really wants to meet up with you OP. I'd just give up on her, it sounds like you have lots of other friends and your son's going to have no interest in playing with girls in a couple of years!

Drum2018 · 15/11/2019 14:27

Your ds is only 4 - find him some other friends whose parents have more respect and dont bother making contact with unreliable mum again.