Unreliable mum friend?

[Cantbearsedwiththisshit]

I'm fairly laidback but she really is so unreliable. We'll arrange a date to meet. I'll message 24 hours or so in advance to say "are we still on?" (which seems to be what my other friends do, so I don't think I'm abnormally pushy or clingy). Half the time she won't respond until the date has passed. Or she'll say she's available but won't come back when I suggest a time, then it'll get to six pm on the day with no check-in from her and I'll just get an apology. Or we'll meet up but she'll be ninety minutes late.

Honestly, I wouldn't usually put up with this kind of thing. It's annoying waiting at home all day for someone who doesn't realise your time has value to get in touch. But my DS (aged 4) really loves her DD (same age) and wants to keep the friendship. Is there any way I can manage this? She doesn't have a young baby to get out of the house, nor is there anything else going on, to my knowledge (I know I can't say that with complete certainty but I'm as sure as I can be). Also, she suggests plans as often as I do so I don't think I'm just being obtuse about being phased out. Any suggestions?

Does she have depression or anxiety? I had two mum friends like this who I suspect both did. In the end I made plans that suited me and my children and invited them along but then stopped doing the day before chase up and they never came. I was sympathetic towards their situations but felt we had gone way past the point where they really should've said they felt unable to join in. I started not to tell my children we were expecting to see them to avoid disappointment and then reduced down contact and unsurprisingly never heard from them again....

I've had a couple of mum friends like this. It would be the most easy explanation to say they are just not that bothered about a friendship but honestly, those mum friends were always the ones going 'we need a playdate' or 'we must catch up soon, I miss you!'. So it makes you question yourself and think, ok so they must like me so why do they keep cancelling. But you'll never work it out. Some people are just flaky. Find a new more reliable mum friend!

I have friends like this. We now decide on what we want to do then invite them along. We go at the specified time. Have fun. They always arrive just as we're leaving. Like hours after we agreed to meet. We used to stick around which would end up affecting my son who was in dire need of a nap by that stage. So we don't anymore and just leave when we're ready to go. They get shitty but too bad.

^This is very good advice.

I had a friend who was like this. Long text messages "we must catch up, miss you" , cards for birthdays and christmas but was impossible to ever pin down to a time and date.

I left it after the last time we met, and thought I'd wait to see how long it took her. Been around 12 years to date................

My advice on these things is:

• only agree to do things that you would be happy to do without her. If she doesn't turn up, you carry on

• set an rsvp with a deadline. 'Are we still on? Let me know by 5pm'

• don't wait more than, say, 15 mins (assuming it's not time-critical in the first place).

I had a friend like this and she's no longer a friend. She didn't turn up for things and the last straw was when I ended up going to a comedy show on my own. She didn't even answer her phone when I rang to see if she was coming. After her new year message when she said she was "too busy" to see me any more I deleted her from facebook. She did get in touch to complain about this. I think she was more concerned about her friends list being shorter than she was about losing the friendship!

I have a mum friend like this, it’s really annoying! Problem is I do really like her and we meet up as adults sometimes as well, ie she’s not ‘just’ the mum of one of my son’s friends!
As a few other posters have said, I now just make plans to do stuff that won’t be impacted by her being late/not turning up.

Ditch her. The older your DS gets the more he’ll be disappointed by no shows. However nice the DD is it just isn’t worth it.

yeah I'd not invest more time in this non reciprocal friendship.

Firstly are you sure she arranges dates as often as you do? Or could you be initiating most of the meet ups? Really think about this one, look at the last six meet ups that have been arranged.

Does she generally tend to say 'we must catch up soon or we must arrange a playdate or we must do this again' but doesn't actually schedule anything with you?

I think you're placing too much emphasis on the friendship your children have. At the age of 4 friendships aren't solid and are usually led/maintained by the parents. Your DS won't be heartbroken if he's friendship with her DD fades away. He will make new friends. I would stop arranging things and the next time she tries to arrange anything with you say' Are you actually going to be able to make it this time?'

*I had a friend who was like this. Long text messages "we must catch up, miss you" , cards for birthdays and christmas but was impossible to ever pin down to a time and date.

I left it after the last time we met, and thought I'd wait to see how long it took her. Been around 12 years to date................*

Same - haven't seen her in years. Can only assume she never wanted to be my friend in the first place.

Do you have any mutual friends? If so make plans with them and then text flaky friend and say " X and I and kids are going to the park at 10am. Hope you can join us." That way if she doesn't turn up you still have company and if she does it's a bonus. Just don't plan anything that relies on her being present.

YANBU. A woman from my antenatal class has done this to me three times. I gave her a pass for 6 months but the babies are now at a year and a few Fridays ago, when we had loose plans to meet, I got a message at about 3pm from her saying sorry, she'd thought it was Thursday! Now if she messages the group I never say I'm free unless someone else does first so I know there will be 2 of us, so that's my advice.

Your time definitely has value but this person might be mortified at the idea of mistreating you - it is really rude but some people have social anxiety that manifests in this way where they can't cope for various reasons and feel like it's less rude to ignore something than to decline. Or on one day they have the energy and like the idea but perhaps some other issue prevents them from feeling mentally able to be their best sociable self on the day.

All this to say that it isn't necessarily coming from a place of malice so perhaps worth a chat to understand before cutting them off.

Thank you so much for all the replies, and sorry I've only just got round to reading them (I've been at work). It's helpful to have confirmation that I'm not unreasonable in finding this annoying. I have a younger sibling who has always been massively unreliable - accepts invitations but is always at least double-booked, turns up for everything hours late or cancels at the last minute - and, whilst my parents gripe a bit behind his back, they've never told him to his face that his behaviour is selfish and inconveniences the rest of us. I think maybe I've grown used to believing that my time isn't very important. So it definitely helped to have the Mumsnet reality check!

I think I'll try some of the tips on here before giving up. I know that a four year old's friendship is unlikely to last in the long run, but my DC really is very attached to the other child at the moment and talks constantly about missing them if we haven't seen them in a few weeks. So, if at all possible, I'd rather let that friendship run its natural course (which it probably will do when they meet other friends at school).

I had a friend like this who was very flaky. Always suggesting meets ups then cancelling last minute. She got to 50:50 probability of showing up in the end. She always suggested the meet ups too which was weird.

I did as advised up thread. I planned my day presuming she would cancel, never told my ds was going to meet her dd. If she showed up it was a bonus. Then again as said if she said let's meet I left it to her to give me suggested daysxand times, I didnt chase her.

Ultimately its was just chattingvwhile doing baby/ toddler things. She was flakey and I dont value that in a friendship. I think I was due to go to her house one evening for a drink. She lived half mile from me and cancelled a hour before saying the roads was too dangerous for me to drive and there had been a few accidents outside her house. I knew it was BS. So from then on if she said let's meet I didnt mention meeting in my reply and we never met up since.

That was a relief as I couldntcstand ranging my time then being left feeling stupid on a regular basis.

Decide on your line and stick to it. Only arrange to meet when its irrelevant if she shows up and dont put yourself out for her to let you down repeatedly. If I meet new friend now I think I would disengage much sooner after this kind of behaviour. Like three times over ten meet ups. Or twice in a row. The more you accept it, the more people like this take the piss

omg this is insanely annoying and disrespectful and trust me there will come a time when you will have had enough and turn a page on this one. Ive done just that recently. There were one or two other issues along with it like said friend taking advantage of my apparently poor boundary setting and generosity. I finally told her how i felt and she didn't like it and ive seen her once in the last 6 months.

I knew someone who used to say yes to all invitations (even double bookings) then decide what she felt like doing/whether she felt like going on the day. Totally unapologetic. Often she decided she just wanted to stay in and would cancel shortly before meeting.

A couple of us pointed out how hurtful this was, especially if you had tidied, got food in, looked forward to maybe your only social arrangement that week and she just cancelled. She actually did have a lightbulb moment and improved. No one had ever pointed out to her how bloody rude it was!

She felt because SHE wouldn’t care, then no one else would...