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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was asked for a favour, now things have changed

48 replies

RollercoasterCoaster · 15/11/2019 07:38

I have a chronic illness and am unable to work at the moment.

My sister had a baby 2 years ago, he started nursery when she went to back to work. He goes 4 half days a week and grandparents/they look after him in the afternoons.

I was asked to help initially being asked to pick him up one afternoon and told dad would be back to pick him up from me at 1:30pm so I would only have him around an hour.

On Fridays the plan was my mum would have him all day, taking Fridays off work to look after him. I was going to help her with him in the afternoons.

Now it’s ended up where his dad is getting later and later to pick him up from me the afternoon I collect him from nursery, not getting him until 3:30pm. My mum has decided she has to work half day on a Friday so I’m now going to my sisters for 7am getting him up and dressed while she goes to work and then left to look after him until my mum gets back to work at around 12pm. I’m then staying to help her out with him in the afternoon until 5:30pm when my sister gets back from work.

WIBU to say I can’t do this anymore even though it would mean them having to pay to put him in nursery another morning? I don’t mind looking after him a bit and would be happy to have just the two afternoons but as it stands now I’m finding it a bit much to cope with with my illness. It takes me a few days to recover and then I’m resting again to get ready for the next days I’m looking after him!

OP posts:
ladyvimes · 15/11/2019 07:42

YANBU you have helped as much as you can and it’s vitally important that you look after yourself. As you say, you can still help out now and again if they’re stuck but not regularly, which I think is still a massive help!

LilouBlue · 15/11/2019 07:44

You wouldn't be unreasonable at all. It's cheeky that the dad has slid back the collection time without checking with you first. Them having to pay for childcare isn't your problem, it's their child!

GabriellaMontez · 15/11/2019 07:44

Yanbu. They're really cheeky. Are they like this in other ways?

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 15/11/2019 07:45

Agreed, even without your illness, this is not your responsibility and it’s naughty for them to expand the very kind favour you are doing them. I think the issue will be having the conversation with them, it will be tricky no matter.

vintagesewingmachine · 15/11/2019 07:48

You need to stand firm and tell them that you cannot continue with the current situation as it has changed significantly from what was originally asked of you. Either it goes back to the initial agreement times or you will have to bow out on health grounds. It can be really hard standing up to your nearest and dearest but you have to look after yourself. Good luck.

Butterymuffin · 15/11/2019 07:53

Not at all unreasonable. They have taken advantage. It's their responsibility to pay for childcare, not yours to subsidise them at the cost of your own health.

Smashedavocados · 15/11/2019 07:58

Yanbu, definitely he should be in nursery more and they shouldn’t be relying on you. Your sister must be burying her head in the sand.

Onekidnoclue · 15/11/2019 08:00

Not the least unreasonable. I think you’ve been exceptionally kind and generous with your time and energy to do as much as you have.

blackcat86 · 15/11/2019 08:02

YANBU. They are being CFs. Do they actually spend 1 on 1 time with their child. I dont understand you having to go round to help her out when she has her afternoon off with him. Another morning at nursery would be better for him (doing more, socialisation etc) and for you. You have helped so much already and if you're poorly enough to be off work managing a chronic illness then you need have clear boundaries about what you can and cannot offer without making yourself worse.

Quartz2208 · 15/11/2019 08:11

Just say sorry you are finding the recovery to hard and it means you aren’t getting better

Twintastica · 15/11/2019 08:21

YANBU. I have had an illness for several months too. I find some other people just don't really get what that means. My brother asks me to do little things to help him out (non-physical things that I can just about do from bed), but doesn't help me out when I ask for physical help like moving things. I don't want to moan about my symptoms to people, it's better for my mental health if I just accept that I have to lie down most of the time, and need a lot of recovery time if I do anything a little bit active. I have to chose really carefully what I do, as I know I'll be extra wiped out for days, so only seeing the best friends who I know will make me feel happy. And not doing the favours for my bro anymore.
Your sister and BIL are taking you for granted, and it needs to stop. Find a nice way to tell them that you can't do it anymore, give them some warning and pull back.

StrongTea · 15/11/2019 08:25

Does your sister realise he is being picked up later and later?

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/11/2019 08:48

Yanbu
I can well believe the amount of time it will take to recover. I’m imagine your sister and mother just cannot understand this.

I am disabled and chronically ill. I had the same issue with my dd. I ended up sending her to nursery 3 days a week then muddled through the rest of the time with a friend, Dh and home start.

No way would I be ok to look after someone else’s baby even now with dd at 11. One hour, where I have to pick up a baby from nursery is already a big commitment.

Why can’t your sister leave the baby at nursery longer?

PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2019 08:51

YANBU at all. It was really cheeky to just assume you’d be fine with this. It’s their responsibility to find alternative childcare-don’t let them make you feel bad.

MatildaTheCat · 15/11/2019 09:07

I had a slightly similar situation and I agree that when you are seemingly free it is easy to start taking the piss.

Tell them it’s impacting your health and state what you are prepared to do. I started a class on the day I was usually helping. I’m now back to visiting most weeks but have stopped being available for the sort of help I previously gave.

glitterfarts · 15/11/2019 09:10
  1. ask your sister and BIL togehter to ensure he is back at 1.30, not 3.30 as you have a medical appointment at 2. Same next week with Dentist, week after hair, week after GP.
If he isn't there on time, let them know that as he's unreliable with his time, regularly getting there 2 hours late, you will have to withdraw from that day. Maybe your sister doesn't know. What's he doing in his 2 hours of free time? OW?
  1. Immediately stop staying the afternoon to help your Mum, if she isn't coping, she needs to say so to your sister. Maybe suggest to your sister that he goes to nursery that morning and your Mum can have him just in the afternoon.

Or, if you don't want to do it, just say so. If it is making you sicker, say so and pull out, with notice so she can book extra nursery days.

wibdib · 15/11/2019 09:16

I would start this afternoon when your mum arrives to take over from you and say that it’s no good, you’re too tired, all these extra demands are taking their toll; you're struggling, feeling really exhausted and you’re going to go home to sleep and recover all afternoon and make that your default otherwise you’ll discover that your mum will be offered an extra hour or two at work and she’ll say yes because you’re there anyway so it’s just an hour or two’s difference for you, you’re there anyway... and suddenly you’ll discover that you’re doing all of Friday too...

Also get your sis to read BIL the riot act and make sure that he is back at the promised time otherwise point out that you won’t be able to do it at all any longer.

Laughterisbest · 15/11/2019 09:19

I'm normally for being up front when you talk to people about things like this, but it can be hard when you're not feeling strong. If you are worried about speaking to your sister you could always say that your doctor has told you you're overdoing things.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 15/11/2019 09:22

Yanbu at all. Your sis and bil are taking the piss.

katewhinesalot · 15/11/2019 09:24

Things have changed so the arrangements need to change. It would be perfectly acceptable to scale back even if you weren't ill. Being ill means you really have to.

Don't let them guilt trip you.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 15/11/2019 09:31

When your Mum arrives , go home .
If your Mum cannot cope after saying she'd have him on a Friday then she will raise the issue .
Then it's not all coming from you . Both of you are finding it too much .

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/11/2019 09:32

YANBU at all. My sister and BIL do this with my Mum and it drives me nuts; they don't call to say they'll be late, and she worries about walking her dogs in the dark.

Sorry, but your sister is really taking the piss. Just say you've helped as much as you can but it's starting to impact your health so you won't able to continue and they need to make alternative arrangements for next week.

fedup21 · 15/11/2019 09:35

Have you told your sister it’s too much and it can’t continue?

CripsSandwiches · 15/11/2019 09:35

YANBU. You're too ill to work but your sister is basically employing you as an unpaid nanny.

Drum2018 · 15/11/2019 09:45

YANBU. I agree they are taking the piss. They made a decision to have a child. It's up to them to pay for their child to be minded, not take advantage of family as they are doing. Seems your mother has the measure of them now and has made the decision to cut back. You need to tell them you are no longer in a position to help mind their child - no apologies, no excuses - it simply does not suit you anymore. You are not responsible for their child, or whether or not they can afford the extra day at nursery - that's their issue. And don't be fobbed off with promises to collect the child on time. I probably wouldn't even bother mentioning that as they will use it as a tool to get you to back down. When you don't give reasons/explanations then they cannot argue or try to find compromises. You just say It doesn't suit me anymore and leave it at that.