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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was asked for a favour, now things have changed

48 replies

RollercoasterCoaster · 15/11/2019 07:38

I have a chronic illness and am unable to work at the moment.

My sister had a baby 2 years ago, he started nursery when she went to back to work. He goes 4 half days a week and grandparents/they look after him in the afternoons.

I was asked to help initially being asked to pick him up one afternoon and told dad would be back to pick him up from me at 1:30pm so I would only have him around an hour.

On Fridays the plan was my mum would have him all day, taking Fridays off work to look after him. I was going to help her with him in the afternoons.

Now it’s ended up where his dad is getting later and later to pick him up from me the afternoon I collect him from nursery, not getting him until 3:30pm. My mum has decided she has to work half day on a Friday so I’m now going to my sisters for 7am getting him up and dressed while she goes to work and then left to look after him until my mum gets back to work at around 12pm. I’m then staying to help her out with him in the afternoon until 5:30pm when my sister gets back from work.

WIBU to say I can’t do this anymore even though it would mean them having to pay to put him in nursery another morning? I don’t mind looking after him a bit and would be happy to have just the two afternoons but as it stands now I’m finding it a bit much to cope with with my illness. It takes me a few days to recover and then I’m resting again to get ready for the next days I’m looking after him!

OP posts:

DriftingLeaves · 15/11/2019 09:46

YANBU. Cheeky sods.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/11/2019 09:50

Very cheeky and selfish behaviour from your sister even if you weren't sick but especially because you are. Let her pay for the extra day in school

starfishmummy · 15/11/2019 09:53

Yanbu.

I agree with others - tell your mum you can no longer help her when she is looking after the child and aort iut the rest with your sister.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 15/11/2019 09:56

YANBU. I'm sure if you were well enough you'd choose to work in a paid job and have some income, so it's unreasonable for your DS and BIL to expect you to look after a lively toddler. You need to let your DS know that it's impacting your health and recovery. Put a stop to helping your DM out in the afternoons too. If she can't cope on her own then she also needs a discussion with her daughter. Put a stop to the late returns by BIL as well. GOod luck OP.

Everydayimhuffling · 15/11/2019 10:10

Have you commented to the BIL when he is 2 hours late?! I can't understand how he felt that was acceptable after the first time! I would address that with him, personally, next time he comes to pick up and make it clear that that was not the agreement and nor was it possible.

I agree with PP that you need to leave when your mum arrives for the next few weeks to rest. Then bring it up with both your mum and sister. Your mum is the one who changed that arrangement, so it should be a discussion with all 3 of you.

BabyDereksToes · 15/11/2019 10:28

Why does your mum need help? Presuming she is physically able to do it without you, as she did before? A two year old is hard work but two adults are not necessary!

I would be tempted to fake a GP visit and say that he/she has said to take it easier, and that you have to go back to your original agreement. Because I hate confrontation and am a people pleaser, but would want to have the rest that I need with a chronic illness.
You need to look after yourself - your sister chose to go back to work full time, and one morning at nursery can't be that much £.

Jaxhog · 15/11/2019 10:40

While it's nice to be able to help your family out, your Sister's child is HER responsibility, not yours. If you are being taken advantage of, and it sounds like you are, politely tell your Sister that you can't do it any longer.

Your own health also must come first. Let her make other arrangements.

MashedSpud · 15/11/2019 10:45

They are taking the piss.

Italiangreyhound · 15/11/2019 10:57

YADNBU.

"WIBU to say I can’t do this anymore even though it would mean them having to pay to put him in nursery another morning?" He is their baby and they either need to look after him or pay for someone else to do it, or find another person. The baby is not your responsibility, but your own health is.

Italiangreyhound · 15/11/2019 10:58

And yes they are taking the piss. DO NOT be pressurized into doing more than you can.

Considermesometimes · 15/11/2019 11:06

I am really shocked they have even asked you, or allowed this to continue!! These people really do not care about you or your health op!

Bloody hell.

Your mother has conveniently had to work on Friday as a way out, I suggest you tell them you can not continue any longer and they will need to organise childcare for their child going forward. They can simply up the hours at nursery, and pay for him as we all do!

Absolutely no way would I be having to manage my health in such a way to end up being in a position of having to get well to look after someone else's child. Do they even pay you?? Your finances must be tricky if you are unable to work, much less working for free.

Please stop op.

Tell them you are too ill to carry on, and you will see your nephew when other family members are around to look after him as well.

ActualHornist · 15/11/2019 11:24

They are taking the piss big time. Two year olds are hard work even when you don’t have a chronic condition.

I’m afraid you’re going to have to have the conversation that you can no longer support them with this. Have a firm end date in mind or they’ll probably try and spin it for ages, at least until Christmas I’d expect.

Daffodil55 · 15/11/2019 11:29

Apologies for not yet reading all the posts on this one as time prevents right now but I saw the title and had to say,

Some years ago a friend had a baby daughter who was a poor sleeper. My friend was suffering through lack of sleep and she got all my sympathy. Her husband worked abroad so not around much to help. I remember she said if only I could have one full night of uninterupted sleep. I offered to have the baby (around 5 months old ) for an overnight one weekend so she could get her 7 hours blissful sleep.

She naturally jumped at the offer and it went fine. I of course had my sleep broken several times in the night and was up for the day with baby at 5.30am. I was not at all bothered because I knew when I dropped baby off at home again I could catch up on my sleep or have an early night etc etc.

Thing is this became a pattern and I did not like to deprive my friend of her one night of decent sleep. There was no one in her own family offering to help or say yes if asked.

After approx 2 months of these babysitting nights I learned via someone that my friend was not having a relaxing sleep catch up at all but she was out on the town getting pie eyed and getting to bed at god knows what time with a hangover to show for it. She covered it up well when I would drop off the baby next day.

I felt a little cheated and used so stopped the arrangement with some excuse. I did not want to fall out with my friend and it has not been spoken of since.

RiotAndAlarum · 15/11/2019 11:30

Luckily, this setup so far has required you to go somewhere. If you simply don't pick up from nursery, BIL have to do it, and pay extra for picking up at 3:30.

If you don't turn up at your sister's at 7am (and I'm surprised you haven't overslept yet, given how you are being overtaxed), she and BIL won't be able to simply leave your DN at home. They will have to do something with him, either get him to nursery or take a day off or come and hassle you (though hopefully not!). No matter which way round they solve the problem, it is inconvenience for them, which is the way it should be, as he is their child, and they are currently placing all the inconvenience on you and your DM.

If I were relying on family help as they are, I would feel extremely nervous to consider how even the slightest bit of resistance by you would make things very difficult indeed for us. If your sister and BIL don't act to make this situation more sustainable, they are either rather dim or very selfish.

Interestedwoman · 15/11/2019 11:34

YANBU- if you can't do it, you can't do it. xxx

TheHootiestOwl · 15/11/2019 11:34

Why does your Mum need help?

Sparklybanana · 15/11/2019 11:35

I don’t think they are taking advantage on purpose but I’d expect to be told if my childcare couldn’t manage. Their assumptions that you haven’t said you struggle mean they won’t do anything as it’s ‘working’.
You have to say to them that now he’s older, it’s just getting too hard for you to manage and you feel the impact for days after. It’s not that you don’t love to help but it’s just too much.

You need to say to your bil that pick up time is non negotiable unless he wants to start paying for your time.

If it were me, I would try and do my best to find alternative childcare as I wouldn’t want you to suffer. If you can’t work full stop then it’s not on to expect you to work that others would be paid for.

Original poster

RollercoasterCoaster · 15/11/2019 12:11

Thanks everyone. It’s sort of kept slowly changing to being how it is now, but nothing I’ve agreed to!

I was asked to do the nursery pick up because BIL works in town and after getting the bus home would miss pick up time from the morning session in nursery. However I was told he would be back by 1:30, then it got to 2:30, now 3:30. I assume he’s leaving work later but has never asked if this is ok with me.

It was the same with fridays, it was arranged my mum was off work all day so she’d go and get him dressed etc and I’d just help her in the afternoons. Then it was I need to go in for an hour to get things sorted for the day (she’s in a management position) so would I go for when he wakes up and she’d by back by 10am so I though I’d only be doing an hour or two which is fine. Now she’s regularly not back until 12pm and it’s getting a bit much for me.

I’ll have a word with BIL and mum and see if they can reduce the hours a bit again.

OP posts:

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 15/11/2019 12:17

I’ll have a word with BIL and mum and see if they can reduce the hours a bit again

Glad you're going to talk to them but the emphasis of this is YOU asking THEM to do you a favour!

Please instead think about TELLING then that you cannot do this any longer. That you can do pick up until 1330 as originally agreed and nothing else. So THEY will have to sort out childcare for THEIR child. Lovely you want to help, but this is not your problem to solve and it's affecting your health of it's taking you a couple of days to recover from looking after him - that's totally unacceptable for you

Floralnomad · 15/11/2019 12:22

Don’t ask them OP , tell them . You decide what you do or don’t want to do and tell them .

MulticolourMophead · 15/11/2019 12:35

TELL, don't ask. You are doing them a favour.

I suspect BIL is just taking time to himself, not necessarily an OW.

And your mum is also taking the piss. I reckon she's going in to work because she wants to, and isn't fussed about doing the childcare all day as she has you doing it.

I mean, she might be management, but even so, there should be staff capable of setting things up, etc.

Drum2018 · 15/11/2019 22:36

I’ll have a word with BIL and mum and see if they can reduce the hours a bit again

Or better still have a word with sister and bil and tell them you are no longer going to mind their child. What your mother chooses to do is her business. She should not have to change her hours at all. Your sister and bil simply need to book the child into nursery for the week for full days if necessary. And you need to concentrate on improving your health, stop being a doormat for your sister.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2019 22:40

"I am unable to babysit anymore." That's all you need to say. Your sister's childcare needs are not your problem.

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