Bit of a weird one - GMIL giving money to DC but wanting to control it

[NCforFamilyKerfuffle]

Genuinely not sure if we're being unreasonable so wanted to get a consensus.

DH's grandmother has a lot of money. She's mostly very generous with it in terms of gifts and things but there's always a palaver about it all or strings attached in some ways. Some parts of the family jump through hoops and put up with things (eg 'I'll take you on a holiday of a lifetime... if I can come with you and dictate everything we do at every given point' or 'I'll pay for blinds to be fitted in your house, but I'm going to tell you which is the best blind company in the area and be there to oversee it when they come to quote and then give you strong advice on what colour blind is the right one'). DH tends to disengage as much as possible when she gets especially overbearing and I figure it's his circus and monkeys and take my lead from him. It means sometimes we accept his GM's generosity (and are polite and grateful and make a fuss about it / her) but when the strings are too much he tends to step back.

GMIL has just said she'd like to give our DC £500 each into a savings account. This is awesome, particularly because they don't have accounts of their own yet - my (significantly poorer) family have given them money over the years but I've just chucked it in a disused savings account of mine to keep it separate and never got round to sorting the admin. But GMIL wants their birth certificates so she can go to a bank of her choosing and set up the bank accounts herself, naming herself as the trustee of the account and keeping the books/cards/whatever it is kids get nowadays so she can add money whenever she wants at her discretion.

It just feels a bit weird but I don't know if we're being unreasonable saying that.

We're happy to set the kids up bank accounts and give her the details (even the books if that's what she wants although it feels a bit odd) but it feels weird having her named trustee, not least because she's in her seventies - if something happens to her before the kids are of age how would the accounts be administered?

MIL (who is pretty much grandmother-whisperer on these occasions) can't explain why GMIL feels such a need to have control of the book and be trustee of the account but says:

a) it's not her being controlling
b) it's not her distrusting us with the money
c) it's not her reserving the right to somehow claim it back (although frankly this isn't a concern - GMIL is honourable in her way, just likes to be controlling... bearing in mind during a random family discussion about lottery wins she told the assembled throng if she won tens of millions she wouldn't give people cash but would buy everyone anything they wanted, houses, cars, etc, as long as they came to her for the money so she could oversee it)

MIL also (and this was a massive tactical error) told us when we were discussing it with her that if we went and opened our own accounts for the children GMIL would pay in the £500 but 'probably wouldn't ever give us any more' which frankly put both DH and I's noses out of joint and left DH saying he wouldn't be bribed in that way by his family.

Should we just suck it up and give her the birth certificates and let her get on with it, secure in the knowledge that it makes her happy, the kids will end up with some money and, frankly, if for whatever reason they don't they'd never miss it anyway? I veer from feeling it's not a hill worth dying on to feeling uncomfortable and a bit insulted without really being able to pin down why.

So. Are we being unreasonable to want to be trustees to our kids' bank accounts?

My dhs parents (divorced and both remarried) have done this for our kids. I have no idea how much is in them. We gave them the birth certs and off they trotted. Never given it much thought tbh.

Maybe she wants a legacy, something for the kids to remember her for?

If it’s mixed in with contributions from everyone else, the kids won’t think of it as their money from great granny?

She is probably confused why you are resisting her generous offer.

This is a bit similar:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3724851-Mil-and-money

My MIL has done this for our dc. She opened the accounts, she has complete control and I don't even know which bank it is with. I've written the money off in a sense. By which I mean, I don't ackowledge it in anyway. Im sure the kids will get it one day, but if MIL adds caveats with how they are allowed to spend it, we will just leave it sitting in the bank. She mentioned at the time that it could be used for 'things we didn't want to (or couldn't) pay for'. TBH, whilst the dc are young, if we say no to something and she tries to undermine us by paying out of the savings she controls, she will be told no and the money returned. When the dc are older, if she insists they go cap in hand and ask her permission to buy things, I will tell them not to bother. It is either a gift or it isn't. Either way, I let her get on with it and just set my own boundaries. Don't let it get to you. Accept the offer, let her do as she pleases and just carry on as if she never set it up.

I think it's reasonable to let her open accounts for the DC and put her own money into them. But I wouldn't pay any money into them myself or encourage anyone else to, as it doesn't sound like you'll have any control what that money is spent on.

My DMum did this for my DCs. She put money in every birthday. It was at her bank, she kept the books so she could do this.
When she died I think I just showed death cert to bank and they dealt with her account and made me named as trustee on the DCs savings. Not a problem.
Regs may have changed now, this was a while ago!

I work in a bank and this happens all the time - grandparents opening accounts with themselves as trustees for dgc. I don’t see an issue with it - they’re crediting the funds in so just want to have control over the account. Often it’s done to save for university funds or a car which gp can present to them on their 18th or other significant birthday. Nothing sinister about it.

I'd probably just let her get on with it. It's definitely worth having a conversation about maybe your husband being a joint trustee with her so that he has access and control if she becomes incapacitated. If she says no then ask if she has a plan in place for that eventuality. Other than that I'd let her set it up and forget all about it. Don't tell the kids, and hopefully they might have a lovely little pot to inherit or get when they are 18. She probably wants control so it will always be seen as a special gift from just her rather than an account that has had money put in it for birthday or Christmas presents from lots of other people. It's her money and she wants to give it to your children. I say let her. It's a chunk towards a car, or uni or whatever that you don't have to fork out for yourselves in the future.

I didn't think you could take money back out of a child account? You can add it in and move it around, but only the child could take it out when older.

So, let grandma crack on. Personally, I've accounts in my name only for the children, as I don't want them going wild at 16, but everyone is free to do as they wish.

My MIL has opened an account for each of her grandkids. I’ve no idea how much she has put in each. I have accounts for my kids too, I don’t think it’s a big deal

It is quite complicated opening children's accounts these days so she would definitely need the birth certificate.
She might have a history of being a bit controlling in her generosity but in this case an adult had to be 'in control' of the account and it makes sense for it to be her if she is intending making further deposits.

My grandchildren have accounts in their own names and I wasn't allowed to go in the bank and pay their pocket money into it because of money laundering regulations.

It doesn't matter what your MIL says, your GMIL is extremely controlling. You have given several examples yourself of how she controls others when giving money 'gifts'. I really don't know why you need to ask.

She hasn't paid for anyone's holiday, she has paid for the services of a chaperone to accompany her on her holiday.

Why would you ever let anyone apart from you or your DH be trustee over your DC's accounts? I would rather turn down the money than feel beholden or controlled by someone else. Just open accounts with yourselves as trustees and accept the £500 with no future 'gifts'.

A gift is not a gift if it comes with restrictions.

I.said YANBU as controlling the childrens money is a fair desire as a parent, however, having a lump sum will be useful in the future so this is one of the times I would suck it up and let her play. Just confirm with her what happens if something happens to her.

She wants to give your kids £500 each and you're making all this fuss about it? I'd be so grateful.

She probably wants to open the account with £500 each and keep adding to it too I think it's lovely.

My mum has done the same with birth certificates for my 2 boys. No where near as rich as this woman sounds and I'm grateful for every penny she puts in there,

YANBU - we have family members who try to be similarly controlling and their offerings never sit as well as they should, despite their good intentions. Simply put, a gift is not a gift if there are strings attached.

My mum has opened DS an account which she's the sole trustee on. I just let her crack on with it. I have no idea what she's got in there (I think that the kid has more money than I do), but I trust that she'll give it to him when he's 18 with no strings attached.

If you think that she'll stipulate what the money is used for when the kids come of age (sounds likely from what you've said), then I'd maybe be wary of it.

You could suggest that you are also trustees as it's maybe not wise to have a single trustee on an account (especially one that's elderly), but that seems like more hassle than it's worth to me.

This is a strange one. I tried to set up a savings acc for each of my nephews so that I could pop in the odd fiver every now and then with the plan that they’d have a couple of thousand each by the time they were 21 but the bank was very clear that I couldn’t do it because I wasn’t their parent. They said I could open an acc in my own name and when the time came, transfer the money to them but I wasn’t able to open an acc in their name. Why not lie and say your dc already have an acc each and as their parents, you want to be in charge of their money until they come of age but if she really wants it to be known it’s from her, why not bequeath the money in her will?

I would do a little research and open each child a child isa. They can only have one, so once it’s done there’s no more argument to be had. The money can’t be touched until they are 18 so no-one can get at it. Once that’s done you can send her the details and she can choose to use them or not!

It is quite common especially among wealthy people, they want to give but with big strings attached and they want to remain in control. It just causes bad feeling especially where they do not trust their responsible adult children to make financial decisions for their own DC. It's as if they worried they are going to do mad and blow it all that the only way to keep them in check is to dangle the carrot of money in their faces.

My mum opened accounts for my kids that she is trustee of. I wouldn't have a problem with this.

If you feel she's going to hang them over your head to try and control you, then just decline the money.

@Waiting4Sprogo different banks will have different rules. Normally so long as the birth certificate can be produced it's fine. Normal ISA rules apply in that the child can't have more than one.

Mixed responses but plenty of food for thought. I think my thinking has been tainted by assuming this would be our DC's only bank account (which of course it doesn't have to be - so we could set up separate when we want to or when I get my arse in gear to do so maybe in five years or so ). I think as well the fact I come from the family where financial gifts were usually a 5 quid WHSmith voucher in a card means I don't really have a sense of what feels appropriate or what is standard procedure so I'm feeling a bit out of my depth.

I think posters saying GMIL wants to be able to show the DC one day the money that she has given them rather than a shared pot of all relatives is spot on although I hadn't thought of it that way.

There's definitely a fair amount of faff involved in setting up accounts now - birth certificates / passports etc needed. But the more I think about it the more I think actually this isn't the hill we should die on and we should just give her the paperwork and let her get on with it. If one day the DC get a lump sum then hooray. If they don't they've never missed it. Admittedly we're potentially kicking any controlling behaviour to the DC into the long grass, but we can deal with that if and when the time comes - and if they're anything like DH they won't put up with it.

Our policy is always I take the lead with my lot and DH takes the lead with his and we just back each other up, but I think I'm going to show him the thread and see what he thinks.

The rest of it is a bit weird, maybe she just wants everyone to know that shes paid for it and gets joy from giving.
But I dont think the opening of the account and being a trustee is weird. It is her gift to them, she may add to it over the years and they can access it from 18 years I assume.

I’d just let her do it OP and keep putting a few pounds (and your family too) into the savings account you have for them.
Neither can then dictate to each other.
Nod along and be grateful and let her do it, no need to ask any questions about future access, it won’t matter either way as it’s sitting there till they’re old enough to have it anyway.

I'd let her crack on, she's being controlling but it's not a big deal.

This thread has made me recall when I was a child though. Every Christmas and birthday my grandad and step grandmother gave me a gift and said they put some money in my savings account too. I'm 27 now, my grandad died over 10 years ago and I havent spoken to my step grandmother in about 8... wonder what ever happened to that money.

Hmmm, cross posted with people talking about Child ISAs and how you can only have one, and discussion about practicalities of if she would actually be ABLE to open a bank account on behalf of our DC. Definitely need to do some more research.