Bit of a weird one - GMIL giving money to DC but wanting to control it

[NCforFamilyKerfuffle]

Genuinely not sure if we're being unreasonable so wanted to get a consensus.

DH's grandmother has a lot of money. She's mostly very generous with it in terms of gifts and things but there's always a palaver about it all or strings attached in some ways. Some parts of the family jump through hoops and put up with things (eg 'I'll take you on a holiday of a lifetime... if I can come with you and dictate everything we do at every given point' or 'I'll pay for blinds to be fitted in your house, but I'm going to tell you which is the best blind company in the area and be there to oversee it when they come to quote and then give you strong advice on what colour blind is the right one'). DH tends to disengage as much as possible when she gets especially overbearing and I figure it's his circus and monkeys and take my lead from him. It means sometimes we accept his GM's generosity (and are polite and grateful and make a fuss about it / her) but when the strings are too much he tends to step back.

GMIL has just said she'd like to give our DC £500 each into a savings account. This is awesome, particularly because they don't have accounts of their own yet - my (significantly poorer) family have given them money over the years but I've just chucked it in a disused savings account of mine to keep it separate and never got round to sorting the admin. But GMIL wants their birth certificates so she can go to a bank of her choosing and set up the bank accounts herself, naming herself as the trustee of the account and keeping the books/cards/whatever it is kids get nowadays so she can add money whenever she wants at her discretion.

It just feels a bit weird but I don't know if we're being unreasonable saying that.

We're happy to set the kids up bank accounts and give her the details (even the books if that's what she wants although it feels a bit odd) but it feels weird having her named trustee, not least because she's in her seventies - if something happens to her before the kids are of age how would the accounts be administered?

MIL (who is pretty much grandmother-whisperer on these occasions) can't explain why GMIL feels such a need to have control of the book and be trustee of the account but says:

a) it's not her being controlling
b) it's not her distrusting us with the money
c) it's not her reserving the right to somehow claim it back (although frankly this isn't a concern - GMIL is honourable in her way, just likes to be controlling... bearing in mind during a random family discussion about lottery wins she told the assembled throng if she won tens of millions she wouldn't give people cash but would buy everyone anything they wanted, houses, cars, etc, as long as they came to her for the money so she could oversee it)

MIL also (and this was a massive tactical error) told us when we were discussing it with her that if we went and opened our own accounts for the children GMIL would pay in the £500 but 'probably wouldn't ever give us any more' which frankly put both DH and I's noses out of joint and left DH saying he wouldn't be bribed in that way by his family.

Should we just suck it up and give her the birth certificates and let her get on with it, secure in the knowledge that it makes her happy, the kids will end up with some money and, frankly, if for whatever reason they don't they'd never miss it anyway? I veer from feeling it's not a hill worth dying on to feeling uncomfortable and a bit insulted without really being able to pin down why.

So. Are we being unreasonable to want to be trustees to our kids' bank accounts?

Did you post something similar the other day? There can't be more of these people around...can there

Whiskers that's what I thought.
But yes it is controlling.

I wonder if she wants the DC to know that she saved the money for them and that she is concerned that they won’t realise it’s her gift if you have control.

I am not sure she means to be controlling but she wants the best use to be made of her gift and she has a fixed idea of what best use means. So I think her heart is in the right place.

I promise I didn’t, although now I need to hunt down the other thread! I don’t suppose you remember roughly what it was called?

I would ask her to check what would happen if the sole trustee was incapacitated before the DC reached majority.

Yes, there was another one recently where it was the MIL who told her DGD (OP's DD) that she couldn't use it towards a laptop, even though the girl needed it for school. There was also a bank account part to that story.

Let her crack on with it. It is not worth fighting over. I wouldn’t let the kids know though and I wouldn’t put money into the account myself. I mean she could theoretically put money in two shoeboxes with their names on under her bed. This is the digital version.

Found it!

MIL controlling the DCs money WWYD http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3735688-MIL-controlling-the-DCs-money-WWYD

I can't remember the name but it was recent - someone in the same situation but further down the line eg the gm had the accounts going and had for some time, and want letting the kids take their birthday money out for things they wanted unless they had her approval!

I think if be tempted to steer clear, just say "Of course WE are going to pen the accounts, we're their parents!"

Cross post

I can understand why you feel uncomfortable, given your MIL's tendency / need to control, but this particular idea of hers isn't unusual. Quite a few people I know have opened bank accounts for grandchildren, nieces/ nephews, god children etc, which are in the child's name with the adult being trustee or similar. However, none of them are controlling - that I'm aware of anyway! It's just seen as a nice, meaningful thing to do that shows how important the relationship is between the non-parental adult and child.

In this situation I can see why you'd be wary, as god only knows how MIL would want to use that money to control your children as they get older. If there was a way to guarantee that the children can access the money at a particular age without her having to co-sign or approve it, that might be ok?

My PIL gave our kids a lot of money and they are the Trustees. My DH has now been added and I will in time. I don’t care. Their money and it makes it clear for tax purposes.

I’ll be honest and say that when I opened accounts for my children, I didn’t produce a birth certificate but maybe I’m out of touch.
I wouldn’t worry about what would happen in an unfortunate event ( sorry to sound a bit callous) as
the trustees of her estate would ensure a smooth changeover of title to the money for your children.
It sounds like your GMIL is putting things in place for your children’s future.
If your GMIL is happy to spend moneys, albeit with strings attached, I’d just suck it up. She clearly wants to see her offspring enjoy her money while she still can.

My dmum who is the least controlling person in the world opened saving accounts with her as trustee for my dc. She got huge pleasure from giving them the books at 18 as a gift from her. They were accounts that couldn't be touched until they were 18 so no manipulation involved.

My DF has done exactly the same for both of our DDs. It benefits the children and doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Nope. Say no. Your DC should have control over their money. You know that if they ask for anything in the future the answer will be no. Don't start the control and drama. Tell GMIL to keep her money for her care home.

Sorry to be mercenary but £500 is nowhere near enough money for this kind of hassle.

If she is very wealthy she should be being advised on estate planning by a wealth management company or accountant. I can see how she might want to start gifting money now. - if she uses her full tax free allowance per annum this could eventually add up to a modest but reasonable nest egg for the children.

However the trustee thing up is odd without additional context. Could you simply ask her why she wants to handle it this way?

My grandfather did this for us. They added to the account on birthdays and Christmas and built it up with the intention of giving to us at 21. by which time it was a reasonable lump sum to but a first car with.

My father did the same for my 3. Admittedly, he handed over the accounts earlier but that's more to do with his health.

I don't see problem with it - it's a savings account which you don't need to do the admin for!

Personally I would let her set up savings accounts for them if that is what she wants but the only money in it would be from her and I would treat it as an extra one but I would still set up other ones like the plan had always been.

She gets to give them money and be as controlling as she likes because well it's her money so let her get on with it and you have another savings account for each of them that you are in control of for all other savings that may have.

Then in the future if she becomes stupid about it you just say it's your money gmil you can do what you want with it and I'm sure it will be hugely helpful for but it won't be used to control us.

Let her open accounts solely for the purpose of her giving your kids money, but sort the admin out and open your own for them too for anything you or other family members want to gift to. It's very simple to do, book an appointment at a bank of your choice and it'll be done within an hour.

When it comes to it, tell her "they've already got their own accounts, but if you'd prefer, here are their birth certificates so you can open ones too". None issue in my opinion.

I know someone who did this for my niece and I think it's because they want to turn around in a few years with a lovely surprise about how much they've saved for her/not have her rely on it in future. They lost her birth certificate though, so maybe just be careful there!

This is different from her saying she’ll pay for holidays, blinds etc where the recipient of the gift isn’t necessarily getting what they want. It is still controlling though, but I’d let her get on with it. Unless you think she’ll threaten to withdraw the money from the account if you do something to displease her? I wouldn’t put up with that nonsense. I also wouldn’t add money into the account myself, as I would want to be trustee of any money I was gifting to my own children. How old are your children?

I thought only parents could open an account now? Anyone can obtain a birth certificate but the parents have to be named on the account afaik.

No it wasn't that thread, it was another one where they wanted the kids birth certificate.

My gran did this for all her grandchildren. She set up the accounts, paid into them whenever she wanted and she decided when each of us got access. It caused no issues and I thought it was actually quite nice

Ask her why. Why does she want to be the sole trustee? Does she want other people to add to it or not? Because if it was a fund about benefiting your children, then that would be the most tax effficent way of doing it. Anything else is just controlling.

I'd tell her no. It's a grand - unless you're really hard up, get them a junior ISA and ask everyone to contribute to that if they want to give your children money. Then you can turn round in X years and tell your children how lovely it is how everyone has saved prudently for their futures, rather than put £500 into an account which is now worth £520.