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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...To be devistated by lack of intimacy

26 replies

MoreSexPleaseImBritish · 14/11/2019 17:33

Me and my husband have zero love life. I have enough fingers to count the amount of times we have had sex in the past 2 years. We don't even share a bed anymore.

It's not just me he has lost his passion for...he doesn't seem to have a passion for anything.

I'm so lonely it physically hurts. Every time I try to talk about it he seems to become even more distant. I know I am not entitled to sex just because we are in a relationship but it really is just so empty without it.

I love him and he is so good to me in every other way but this is really destroying my self worth.
I'm in my early 30's, fit, attractive, smart, funny... he always says how he is 'punching' with me. Why doesn't he want me?

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreSexPleaseImBritish · 14/11/2019 17:41

also...it isn't as simple as "if you aren't happy then leave"- it never really is. We have a child together and the house mortgage is in his name only as he owned it before we married. Plus I don't want to leave him I just want a love life

OP posts:
Bookaholic73 · 14/11/2019 17:47

Gosh, you poor thing.
You clearly love him. You say he has lost passion for everything, when did this start?
Has something triggered it?
Could he have depression, as this is a classic symptom?
Sorry for all the questions.

slashlover · 14/11/2019 17:48

Has he been to the GP? Losing his passion for everything is a symptom of depression. Also, have you tried taking sex off of the table completely and just bringing back cuddling etc?

Meruem · 14/11/2019 17:48

I think no one is replying as there's no answer for you. In this situation the three choices are:

  1. Live with it
  2. Leave
  3. Have an open marriage.
That's it. Maybe he is depressed but if he won't seek help then you are still left with the choices above. There's nothing else.
Meruem · 14/11/2019 17:50

Cross posted then! In my experience, taking sex off the table just comes as a relief to the person with the low libido. It certainly doesn't make their sex drive increase!

MyGoodTimes · 14/11/2019 17:50

Would he visit his GP to discuss his lack of libido. Is it possible he may have an underlying health issue?

PersephoneOP · 14/11/2019 17:52

You both need to address this. Sex is a significant part of a relationship unless you are asexual, and while you are not entitled to having sex with someone, you are entitled to wanting to have sex and wanting your partner to want you.

It sounds like he is suffering from MH issues and for his sake and yours he needs to seek help. He shouldn't have no passion for anything in life and you shouldn't let that become the new normal.

Have a serious talk and say he needs to articulate what is going on and suggest counselling, both for him solely and couples counselling.

Best of luck.

pinkdelight · 14/11/2019 18:08

Surely the house is half yours if you're married? Certainly I'd get legal advice before making life decisions based on false assumptions.

If he refuses to discuss the issue or do anything to resolve it, and if I didn't want to leave him, I'd have to get it elsewhere. And make him aware that this is what will happen if he doesn't come to counselling, go to the gp, or sort it out some other way.

How long have you been together? Is this a recent-ish thing post-DC? If there was a healthy sexual relationship before it should be salvageable but if this is 'who he really is' then you may have to accept it's incompatible. Hard but better than accepting a lifetime of feeling this way.

Antigon · 14/11/2019 18:17

Speak to a solicitor about the house.

You will be a shell of a person within 5 years OP. Don’t let it get to that before you find the courage to leave.

Original poster
MoreSexPleaseImBritish · 14/11/2019 18:18

I'm pretty sure it is a mental health thing. He seems so lost. I have mentioned to him before about visiting his GP or counselling but he thinks there isn't anything to tell them as there isn't anything tangible wrong.

We've been together 6 years. Sorry for the drip feed but 'our' daughter isn't ours- biologically she is mine. But DH has raised her since she was a toddler and she doesn't have a relationship with her own father. She very much see's DH as Dad.

The issues really started to get worse after his 40th Birthday a year ago. He just seems so lost and I'm just desperately trying to keep things together

OP posts:
Antigon · 14/11/2019 18:22

You can’t keep things together if he doesn’t want to help.

sunshinesupermum · 14/11/2019 18:24

He seems to be having a mid life crisis and even if he says there's nothing wrong there most certainly is and counselling or therapy is a safe place for him to discuss it.

Re the house - you should definitely seek legal advice as if he suddenly died (hopefully not) you might not have a home any longer. It should eb in both your names and you should both have mirror wills drawn up especially as your DD considers your DH as her father.

His behaviour may be impacting on your DD - children at whatever age can sense when things aren't right. Flowers

Eckhart · 14/11/2019 18:27

Does 'punching' mean he feels he's punching above his weight with you?If so that's low self esteem. Have you told him how much you want him? He might not realise. I don't think this'll fix it, but it might be a small step in the right direction.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 14/11/2019 18:29

Leave.I left for those reasons at 32,I'm now re married and I've never looked back

Meruem · 14/11/2019 18:29

Sorry, I know my post sounded a bit harsh but I have been in this situation in the past (we did break up) and my Dsis recently confided in me that she's in this situation too. Like you, she lives in his house (although they don't have any DC). She's decided to just put up with it and fills her life with other things instead. But I see the underlying sadness in her all the time and it breaks my heart. If he won't get help, this will destroy you in the end. It's death by a thousand cuts.

You say you've mentioned to him about seeing the GP. Honestly, I would go further than that and insist he does. Tell him straight, your relationship is at risk. Nothing will change while you passively accept it.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 14/11/2019 18:30

It doesn't matter if the house is just in his name you're still entitled to half.Your child can and will adjust.

Original poster
MoreSexPleaseImBritish · 14/11/2019 18:31

Hi Eckhart.
I am always very attentive, I tell him all the time how much I fancy him, how his dimples make me melt, how sexy I think it is when he wraps his gorgeous muscly arms around me etc etc.
I try to keep things fun and exciting by getting my parents to have DD one weekend a month and organising a date night/gig/comedy/weekend in a hotel. I'll get dressed up in sexy underwear....nothing

OP posts:
Bookaholic73 · 14/11/2019 18:36

@Meruem is right in that you need to put it on the line and tell him that his marriage is at serious risk if he doesn’t get help.

Eckhart · 14/11/2019 18:46

@MoreSexPleaseImBritish Sounds like you've more than covered that base then. It must be very frustrating for you that he's not really even acknowledging that there's a problem.

strawberrieshortcake · 14/11/2019 18:47

There are young to be a hundred people on here to tell you that you immediately need to leave him but don’t agree with that.

Talk to him and tell him everything your are feeling, literally exactly what you wrote down here and that the marriage is in danger if this doesn’t change.

He may be struggling with something mentally or physically that is stopping the intimacy.

As you love every other aspect I don’t really get the ‘dump him and find someone else’ attitude. From what you have written he seems good in all other aspects.

EKGEMS · 14/11/2019 18:56

He needs psychiatric help he sounds extremely low mood/depressed. He needs a physical and mental exam however if he refuses to do so you have a decision to make-give him an ultimatum and leave or stay in this broken relationship which is obviously not good for your mental well being either

MegaClutterSlut · 14/11/2019 19:28

Unless he wants to help himself op I don't think there's much you can do. You have to decide whether you want to potentially live the rest of your life this way. It truely is soul destroying being in a relationship with no intimacy and not understanding why

Original poster
MoreSexPleaseImBritish · 14/11/2019 19:33

Thank you for all the supportive comments. He goes away on business this weekend for a week but the following weekend DD is at my parents. I'll try and talk to him then when we can talk totally openly.

OP posts:
Elieza · 14/11/2019 20:01

See the gp. Anti depressants should probably be considered. They do just perk you up if “feeling down but can’t put your finger on what it is that’s causing it” type of thing. If he refuses tell him if it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain it won’t fix itself so it needs help. Try the meds for a couple of months. If they don’t work try something else. They take three weeks approx to kick in

WorldEndingFire · 14/11/2019 21:15

Could be a medical problem causing low testosterone, worth seeing the GP.