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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For wanting to rehome my dog..

68 replies

Giraffle · 14/11/2019 15:22

I am seriously struggling at the moment. My son is four months old and I’m at home on maternity leave looking after him, my pug and my cat.
My pug is 2 and a half years old and she is an absolute nightmare. She barks constantly, running up to the window and back to the back door. She licks him constantly when I’m trying to change or feed him and will run over him like he isn’t there. I love her to pieces, she cuddles and loves us endlessly but I’m really struggling to cope.

We have tried trainers, behaviourists And vets ect and done a lot of work on it. We walk her all the time, give her as much of our attention as is humanly possible. It makes me cry anytime I get to the point of thinking of finding her a new home. I hate the idea of it. But I wonder if we’re good enough for her. I wonder whether someone without children and who could give her all the time in the world would be better for her.

Am I being unreasonable? Just admitting I’m really struggling, she’s an angel when my partners home so he really doesn’t get it Sad

OP posts:
Inebriati · 14/11/2019 23:43

One technique to control barking is to teach them to bark on command. Then you gradually shorten the number of times you let them bark before giving the (verbal) reward. It allows them to release the tension of needing to bark, and they learn to stop.
If it does work it has the added effect of teaching them to relax and release tension when they receive a reward.

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/11/2019 02:51

I'd recommend an actual veterinary behaviourist vs this, sounds like its a vet who has done some behaviour courses and thats not the same thing.

Unfortunately anyone can call themselves a behaviourist (I don't I call myself a behaviour consultant!)... which is frustrating when trying to get folk to the right people.

If you possibly can, I'd highly recommend Amber Batson (who IS a veterinary behaviourist, I think she's based in Somerset and is likely to be your nearest, she is Understand Animals on facebook or you can find her by googling.

If you were my client... I would have you put up frosted window film on any window that gives her a view that triggers barking, it only needs to go up high enough to block her view, so not necessarily the full window. I would also remove letterbox, and put a mail box up where she can't see the postman coming.

That immediately removes daily stress, and the better you can lower stress, the better you can teach new behaviours and eradicate unwanted behaviours.

Then I'd be speaking to the vet about anti anxiety drugs, zylkene CAN work wonders but I find either its brilliant or it does bugger all theres really no in between.

THEN.. the actual barking.

For sounds I would chuck a high value treat at her any time she hears a noise, whether you heard it or not.... before you say 'that's rewarding the barking and she will do it on purpose to get the treat'.... Yes, she might BUT.. the barking will go from 'startled, worried' to 'intentional, relaxed' and at that point IF she has cottoned on.. you can then retrain so she has to earn the treat and earning it gets less predictable.

So initially sound = treat, woohoo.

Then later on sound/bark = maybe do a sit, get a treat.

Later still, sound/bark = maybe do a sit, down, spin, get a treat, maybe just get a free treat...

Built it up so it becomes less and less predictable and the treat value and type varies as well, and the proximity of the treat also varies (so initially youd have treats in your pockets... by the end youll MAYBE have a treat in your pocket, maybe you go get one from somewhere else).

SO first you change the emotion... THEN you can refine behaviour to what you want, once its no longer driven by just emotion.

The 'being near you' this is what tells me your dog is still anxious, all my dogs love to be near me, but they can all also sod off when told. When they NEED to be sat in my lap, I know something's worrying them!

I would teach her some useful cues here, off, on your mat, back up, wait... all of this requires a dog who has some ability to tolerate frustration and right now I don't think she does.

Finally, look at her typical day, write it down in bullet points. Score each item + or - for whether this activity/event adds stress or removes it. Remember that even things she finds fun, can still be adding stress.

It may be there are some simple tweaks you can add to your daily routine that either avoid stress, or give her an outlet for it so she 'warms down' after something super highly arousing.

For example, a walk with lots going on, play with a toy, greeting another dog - great fun but, that's definitely a + in the stress bucket.

So finish a walk by scattering food in the garden for her to sniff out with her nose and maybe licking something off a Lickimat... thats enjoyable but should empty some out of the stress bucket.

I'd also caution to have realistic expectations... shes a pug, she likes to bark and she likes to snuggle and she's not going to suddenly one day NOT be a pug... but I do think she can be more chilled and less irritating to live with than she currently is!

bottleofbeer · 16/11/2019 03:11

Ffs rehome.

It doesn’t make you Hitler’s best mate

stopgap · 16/11/2019 03:36

I have three rescue dogs, one of whom is a 16-year-old pug (and he definitely wins the award for most chilled-out dog, even as a youngster) and another is a pug/terrier mix. The mixed breed isn’t anxious in the least, but he’s got energy to burn and I would recommend CBD to take the edge off. Now I’m in the US, and there are several reputable brands of dog treats and tinctures that utilize CBD, but I don’t know about the UK? Vets here now recommend it for anxiety and hyperactivity alongside more established medications.

Alicewond · 16/11/2019 03:58

You have failed so badly here, you have caused this dog so much emotional distress because you feel you are an expert. Have you learnt to be humble enough yet to show you clearly are not????

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 16/11/2019 04:00

Do what's best for you family and the dog. If its rehoming so be it.
It's not a crime. Best wishes.

lljkk · 16/11/2019 06:47

It's ok to rehome a dog. It doesn't make you a bad person if you need to rehome the animal.

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/11/2019 13:56

Of course rehoming does not make someone a bad person... but the OP clearly was asking if there was anything they had missed, any more they could do and I think there possibly is... hence taking the time to advise as I would a paying client.

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/11/2019 13:57

@Alicewond..... seriously? Well aren't you just an absolute treat!

Giraffle · 16/11/2019 14:45

@WiddlinDiddlin

Thank you so much I will give some of these a go! I can’t put the obscure film on though as I’m renting currently. Thank you for all your advice it’s really helpful!

@Alicewond wow. I’ve not once said I was an expert (hence why I have paid a behaviourist to help me) and I haven’t failed her. It’s okay to admit you’re struggling sometimes and if I hadn’t have posted on here I wouldn’t have for more suggestions of things I can try. I love my pup to pieces which is why as I’ve said before I would never rehome her and I feel guilty even feeling it would be easier sometimes. But it’s been good posting on here and seeing others are in the same boat and hopefully with trying some of the suggestions I can make her less stressed and anxious and in turn help my stress and anxiety. I really hope you never have to struggle through it.

OP posts:
Sleepycat91 · 16/11/2019 14:55

Ive had a pug and thats just what theyre like unfortunately. VERY high energy. Mine didnt have a nasty bone in her body but was all over my DS jumping on him to lick his face and ears. Hes not keen on dogs at all now and hes 6. We had to rehome her but that was due to starting a new carer and i refused to leave her in a pen for 12 hours a day when she should of been on someones lap being loved not left home all day and couldnt afford a dog sitter.
Pugs are just high energy, do you walk her enough? Knuckle bones to keep her busy? Pugs are generally very food orientated and reward the good behaviour, although they are very stubborn

TiceCream · 16/11/2019 14:58

My dog was a little shit when I had the baby. We solved it with a combination of training and time. Teaching her to sit and shush on command. The baby stopped lying on the floor and started walking so she couldn’t reach him to pester him any more. I had threatened to rehome but after the first year it really wasn’t a problem any more.

RightYesButNo · 16/11/2019 14:59

OP, you’ve mentioned a few times that your dog is on Zylkene. This is just a natural supplement, like a vitamin with calming side effects. It may be time to try an actual medication for anxiety, like fluoxetine, which is approved for dogs. It sounds like your dog’s level of anxiety is beyond the “natural products” level as many of these have no scientific studies, versus actual medications which we know for certain affect brain chemistry.

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/11/2019 15:11

Do ask the LL if you can put the cling fit film up (not the self adhesive, that IS a bastard to get off!)... they may allow it, and it is worth the effort, I could not live without the stuff - five dogs, mostly sighthounds who can spot movement a mile away and a front window that looks out onto a cul-de-sac FULL of cats....

FunOnTheBeach20 · 17/11/2019 09:45

My dog licks my baby when I change him.

I have a simple command “bed”

He then gets in his crate.

It’s not rocket science just separate them.

FunOnTheBeach20 · 17/11/2019 09:48

It’s also very early days with baby and can feel like the walls are closing in. Give yourself a bit more time and don’t make any decisions now.

Could the dog go to daycare a couple of days a week or stay with family or friends?

FreeBedForFlys · 17/11/2019 09:59

Widdlin is giving such good advice.

Please ignore other suggestions such as Pet Corrector sprays - evil things.

If your vet/behaviourist (I’d check that if I were you; vets often give AWFUL advice) really said this; “we were told to say thank you when she starts barking then ignore her until she stops“ then that is not going to work.

Ignoring has its place but not for self rewarding behaviours. You might as well try to stop me eating biscuits by saying “thank you” when I start munching and then ignoring me til I stop.

Either this person isn’t much cop OR you’ve misunderstood.

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 17/11/2019 09:59

It is bloody hard with a baby and a demanding dog. My dog used to be so amazingly trained because I had so much free time. He was my shadow. Then I had a baby and a DH who worked away and no family help. The dog’s training and behaviour went to shit! Grin

There were times I thought I couldn’t cope with both, and I would have thoughts of rehoming Ddog, and he wasn’t as hard as you describe. It will get better (I know that’s easy to say!) as your baby gets older. Flowers

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