Sil rubbing favouritism in my face?

[ezbem]

I'm going to try to condense this as much as I can.

Prior to marrying my husband, him and his sister (let's call her kylie) went NC, despite living in the same house, sil still lives with the in-laws so we have seen each other every week for 5 years now. I have tried being friendly but she didn't want to know
(Can't blame her as she doesn't speak to her brother so why would she speak to me?)
After marriage etc same thing I got used to her being sort of invisible and we just wouldn't acknowledge each other
(I have tried saying hello etc when she comes in the kitchen but been ignored) so my mother in law told me to just leave her alone.

Anyways I now have a 2.5 year old. When my little one turned 18 months, my estranged sil randomly started talking to me when visiting the in-laws and asked if I wanted to start hanging out with her to get to know each other? So I thought great,
(She still don't speak to her brother (dh) ) she invited me to a party too which she and my dd started to create a bond.

Then my other sil (who I have always had a close relationship with) moved back to the area and out of nowhere Kylie stopped talking to me again with no explanation? She followed me on social media and I asked her and she ignored me? I asked her mother who just said "oh she's childish leave her alone" (I'm 27 and she's 28)

But she refuses to acknowledge dd when we come around, she tends to stay in her bedroom but if she comes down and dd says hello she will just say "hi" and walk off, so now I tell dd to come back etc because she looks visibly upset!

Fast forward last night, I receive a WhatsApp message that was clearly sent in error (purpose maybe?) from kylie with pictures of other sil kids quoting "my most beautiful nieces and favourites" she then said "oops sorry was meant to send to sis" and then on Instagram just posting pics of sils kids saying "my only nieces and nephews, my beautiful set. Etc etc" then after I view the story she deletes it?

I'm like wtf? I don't even know what's going on, dh said "there's a reason I don't talk to her, just block Her, dd doesn't need a auntie like that anywhere near her mother"

Am I being unreasonable to be a little confused and hurt at this?

Why did you want a relationship with someone like this? Especially as your husband is NC with her. Id be really upset if my DH tried to build a relationship with my mother who I am NC with, I see this as similar. No child NEEDS a relationship with an aunt - I honestly don’t think any child loses out by not having contact with an aunt - and you have another SIL who sounds nice so why did you need to build this relationship in the first place? Yeah she probably did do it on purpose but it sounds like you’ve been repeatedly warned by your DH and MIL what she’s like and yet continue to attempt to have a relationship with her so in the nicest way possible you’ve sort of brought it on yourself. I’d delete and block her and begin ignoring her.

You are a bit, yes. You knew what she was like so you really shouldn't be surprised as it was inevitable.

Remove her from your social media, revert to being polite if required & silent if not required. Don't be sucked back in a second time.

Just block her on everything and ignore her. Explain to your daughter that some people can be unkind and it's not your daughter's fault in any way.

She obviously has some issues. I'm not surprised you feel hurt, but I would try not to take it personally. It's clear her behaviour isn't exclusive to you as her own family acknowledge she's childish

This SIL (Kylie) is pathetic. Remove her from all your social media so that you are taking away her power to upset you in this manner. If she ever reaches out again to try and build a bond tell her to do one, as your child does not need this waste of space confusing and upsetting her. What an evil woman she is!

@EleanorShellstrop100 yes I agree, but when she started talking to me, dh sort of said, go in with caution she's childish etc but he encouraged it because he thought it be nice for dd. But I guess yeah I shouldn't have got my hopes up. My biggest worry that was as dd got older as my other sil is always at the house now I didn't want her to see her cousins playing with her other auntie and my dd be like "why doesn't she play with me" but I guess it's happening anyway!

@DisplayPurposesOnly yep! I will just remain polite and civil as we are visiting where she lives but not going to encourage anything and not try either. She can be the "woman in the house you don't speak to lol" to dd ?

dh said "there's a reason I don't talk to her, just block Her, dd doesn't need a auntie like that anywhere near her mother"

No, YANBU to feel confused & hurt.
There is always a disconnect when dysfunctional people do their weird thing to you.
Let yourself feel it, but think of your DD, pick yourself up & act on yoru DH's words. DD doesn't need this churlish, pathetic behaviour in her life, & neother do you.
Move forward, & don't let SiL's behaviour affect you in any way from now on.

Why on earth would you try to foster a relationship with someone your DH is NC with, and clearly for good reason? She's horrible and manipulative and now she's using your DD in her nasty power games. I would stop going round there. Tell your MIL the situation has become too toxic and invite them to come to yours instead.

Oh, & THIS - Remove her from all your social media so that you are taking away her power to upset you in this manner

The way the family made it look as to why dh and she don't speak is because apparently my dh was very protective of her (cultural issues) and didn't want her to do "bad" things and apparently she had enough and told him that he doesn't control her etc so that's why I thought maybe their relationship could be mended eventually, but now I'm thinking the story my dh told me rings more true!

Thank you so much everyone who has replied up to now!

She sounds needy and unhinged. I would avoid her. Stop putting your DD in a situation where she is being rejected by her aunt. Ask MIL to visit you or meet somewhere else. Dont give her the satisfaction of being able to snub you both.

Fuck that. OP cut that shit out why did you ever think it was a good idea to start a relationship with this woman? Especially for your child?! Her mother and brother clearly have not much time for her, for a bloody reason!

I also don't think you need her in your life.

But I think it's weird that your MiL is kind of enabling her. It's really horrible of her to play with your SiLs kids at your MiLs house but ignore your DD - that's actually cruel and I think it's odd that your SiL and MiL just say to ignore it - you can but that's a very hard thing for a toddler to take - at school if everyone was playing and one was left out that would be bullying.

I wouldn't put your daughter in that position to be honest - I'd only visit your SiL and MiL when your evil SiL isn't there or at your house from now on

So what was your DH's reason?

And maybe stop visiting in-laws and have them come to you,

I'm sorry, YABU and I don't understand why you have a) accepted the family's word over why her and DH are NC, b) started a relationship with someone who is NC with your DH.

Sure, maybe your DH told you to go ahead, but he warned you to be cautious and that she's immature and mean. But you didn't believe him?
You can't possibly be surprised by her behaviour based on whatever your DH has told you previously about her. Plus her own mother said she's immature and childish.

f I was your DH I'd be upset.

stop visiting in-laws and have them come to you

I agree with this, why should you go to a home where your DD is being ignored by an adult that likes to play spiteful games. Your MIL is as bad as SIL by tolerating this in her home.

I'd stop following her on social media for a start. I'd actually block her as your Dh suggested. That way you don't see what she's posting and she can't send you texts 'accidentally'. I know if it were me I probably wouldn't go round to the inlaws house so often - invite the PIL and the other sister/cousins to yours instead. If she ever tries to strike up a relationship with you again, politely decline. She's playing games and you don't need that shit for you or your kids and most certainly not your Dh.

@GettingABitDesperateNow

I'm really starting to dig deeper into these intentions because I always thought my dh was being quite melodramatic about his family but now it seems like his family are a bunch of narcs and he's the scapegoat who is so desperate to please everyone (except sils of course)

His mother has all the grandchildren calling her mummy and her eldest daughter auntie and no-one has challenged it except me, my dd calls her grandma because we didn't allow it, and I'm starting to think maybe mil told sil to get close to me to try change my mind (it's been a big battle lmao) and I told sil nicely at the party my opinions and my boundaries and I'm starting to think after the party is when she cut contact so maybe she didn't need to be my "friend" anymore. I know this sounds absolutely far fetched but after witnessing the manipulation of children and grand children in the family I think it's a possibility.

I think maybe I'll always be the odd one out with my dd and any more children because I refuse to let my in-laws do what they want with my boundaries ?

Sorry for the big reply back!

Simply Ask her directly what is wrong.

It’s clear something isn’t right with her. She sounds a lot like one of my relatives who had a severe MH condition and preferred her sister’s children to her brother’s (the reasons weren’t logical; and probably due to her not taking Her medication), but in our culture MH issues aren’t discussed and so her mum would just dismiss or minimise everything putting it down to childishness. Could it be something similar?

Either way, whether it’s as a result of a MH condition or not, you absolutely should not be overruling your DH when it comes to contact with his family. He went nc for a very good reason and your need to get on with everyone seems to have put your daughter in a position where she can be hurt. Block her on social media, and only see your MIL at your house (presume sil lives with her).

Well done for trying as it would have been easier not to bother.

Now is the time to step back dont try ignore her and focus on those who matter

His mother has all the grandchildren calling her mummy

Wtf

and her eldest daughter auntie

Is she their auntie?

I don’t really understand why you would see someone like this (your MIL) every week for 5 years.

Bloody hell, she sounds like a psycho. I think your DH is 100% right. I would stay far away from her and keep your daughter away from her aswell

In a lot of cultures calling your grandmother mama / maa / baa / mummy is the acceptable thing to do. I used to call my grandmother and my mother ‘mummy’ and never thought twice of it or ever got my boundaries confused. I very much doubt the two issues are related otherwise your DH would have gone nc with both of them, but he specifically went nc with his sister. So that is probably where the problem is

@sableandI

I did and she ignored me online and even in person I asked her she walked off and shut the door! Then MIL came running to me "oh don't bother it's just how she is"