Sil rubbing favouritism in my face?

[ezbem]

I'm going to try to condense this as much as I can.

Prior to marrying my husband, him and his sister (let's call her kylie) went NC, despite living in the same house, sil still lives with the in-laws so we have seen each other every week for 5 years now. I have tried being friendly but she didn't want to know
(Can't blame her as she doesn't speak to her brother so why would she speak to me?)
After marriage etc same thing I got used to her being sort of invisible and we just wouldn't acknowledge each other
(I have tried saying hello etc when she comes in the kitchen but been ignored) so my mother in law told me to just leave her alone.

Anyways I now have a 2.5 year old. When my little one turned 18 months, my estranged sil randomly started talking to me when visiting the in-laws and asked if I wanted to start hanging out with her to get to know each other? So I thought great,
(She still don't speak to her brother (dh) ) she invited me to a party too which she and my dd started to create a bond.

Then my other sil (who I have always had a close relationship with) moved back to the area and out of nowhere Kylie stopped talking to me again with no explanation? She followed me on social media and I asked her and she ignored me? I asked her mother who just said "oh she's childish leave her alone" (I'm 27 and she's 28)

But she refuses to acknowledge dd when we come around, she tends to stay in her bedroom but if she comes down and dd says hello she will just say "hi" and walk off, so now I tell dd to come back etc because she looks visibly upset!

Fast forward last night, I receive a WhatsApp message that was clearly sent in error (purpose maybe?) from kylie with pictures of other sil kids quoting "my most beautiful nieces and favourites" she then said "oops sorry was meant to send to sis" and then on Instagram just posting pics of sils kids saying "my only nieces and nephews, my beautiful set. Etc etc" then after I view the story she deletes it?

I'm like wtf? I don't even know what's going on, dh said "there's a reason I don't talk to her, just block Her, dd doesn't need a auntie like that anywhere near her mother"

Am I being unreasonable to be a little confused and hurt at this?

Just steer clear of her. She's clearly some sort of nutcase.

@fedup21 nope "auntie" is the actual mummy.

And because I married into a culture where family is around a lot and my dh thinks I'm lucky we only see them once a week lol and we don't live with them

I'd stop going round every week. There is absolutely no way I would allow my children to be publicly called 2nd best or ignored and treated like shit. If MIL wants to maintain a relationship she'll come to yours every week won't she?

Oh well. You’re clearly big hearted, you gave her a chance and she blew it. End contact now, lots of others did warn you.

She sounds like a douche canoe. Ignore. I would be fuming at anyone that created a bond with my small child only to then ignore them. Unforgivable.

Do you have to socialise so much with this side of the family?

@GrumpyHoonMain it's definitely not a culture thing for them it's control but the name situation has been ongoing since dd was born so maybe I'm just trying to make my own reasons lool.

Maybe she just thinks I'm not her sort of person

What is the culture? In some it’s an embarrassment having a 28 year old daughter still living at home and if a daughter in law came from that same culture that point would be made over and over again. My sil (bil’s wife) would aim for the jugular every time my sil’s (DH’s sister) behaviour was less than polite, and would quite happily tell other people too how difficult she was as is her right in my culture - and my mil couldn’t say anything against it. If bil had married outside of his culture, however, things might have been different.

@GrumpyHoonMain If I say the exact place it would definitely put me if this thread came to my other sils attention as she often comes on here but if your culture is what I think it is, then we are neighbours if we cut out the middle man.

And it is an embarrassment! My father in law doesn't even speak to her either! Not just dh I'm guessing she has a very shady past that's caused community shame.

Problem with myself is, I'm from the same ethnicity but I grew up not with my birth family so they pretty much call me an English girl and it's not in my nature to be confrontational.

(Wish I was tbh)

Yeah, sounds like something's off with the whole family. More than just the strange SIL, at least.

"Culture" doesn't have to dictate your life. I would try to spend less time with them and completely ignore the weird SIL. No more social media contact with her, either. She seems toxic.

@ezbem - yeah I was thinking the same. Your sil definitely has had a ‘shady’ past and is taking it out on you because there are no consequences to her behaviour as you are already seen as an outsider. I think cutting her off is the right thing to do and in your position I would find excuses not to bring dd to their house. Are you still in touch with your family? If so find opportunities for them to have her at the same time you and your DH visit his parents.

There is also nothing wrong with you asserting your rights as a dil of the family. In all South Asian cultures the son’s wife does have a greater status than unmarried and divorced daughters (but not married ones) and so you are within your rights to tell her off ‘for her own good’. My bil’s wife even slapped my dh’s sister a few times while she was single but I don’t recommend going to that extreme lol.

I feel quite sorry for your husband tbh.

You created a little family with him and you don't have his back as far as his family are concerned, instead you've tried to create a relationship with someone who has been horrible to your husband.

I think you've had a lesson in exactly why your husband is NC with her and if I were you I would apologise to him and do the same.

Not unreasonable at all. You tried to have a relationship with her and, sadly, it's turned out that, just as her mother told you, she is very childish. Kylie clearly doesn't want you to have other friends if you are friends with her.

It does make me wonder about her upbringing though if your MIL tells you "oh she's childish, leave her alone". The fact that your MIL is saying this about her 28 year old daughter who lives in the same house strikes me as really weird. It isn't an appropriate way to deal with the behaviour of People sharing the same living space. It's sending someone to Coventry. No wonder the daughter's behaviour is childish when her own mother says that about her.

Kylie obviously feels unloved and needs help.

@SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic

Same tbh i will be apologising to him, he thought himself she might be changing and building bridges but all he has said is "she's evil and you was fine without her for so many years you will be fine from now onwards"

@GrumpyHoonMain I truly admire your BIL wife!

When she walked past and his mum said "oh say hello to auntie "kylie" I did interrupt and say
"No jan that's just kylie to you" and when his mum looked shocked, I replied "she doesn't see herself or act like an auntie so she is not getting that respect" she tried moaning to dh after but dh obviously had my back.

And yes I'm in contact with my family but they live further away but ironically I'm spending a "few weeks" with them starting from today! They hate my maternal family getting involved and when they know they come to visit me they turn up also so now I keep everything private.

And I've been slowly going lc with the in-laws too. Making myself "unavailable etc"