to want to limit my teenage DDs phone use??

[TigerCameForTea]

According to my 14 yo DD I will be the only parent doing this but I feel SM is taking over her life! She would happily sit glued to it from the minute she gets home from school to the minute she goes to bed!

What sort of time do other teens spend on theirs? She says I'm being unfair, all her friends don't get limited or taken out their rooms at night etc... I'm beginning to think I'm losing touch with what's accepted now!

Oh I’m watching with interest! I’ve a10 year old who has discovered all things internet- TikTok, Robloxs to name a few and has gone from being a willing and diligent child to having to be chased ( multiple times) on just the basics! Homework, reading, tidying room, eating and sleeping would all easily play second fiddle. I’m thinking of a through the week ban and just allow access for a few hours’ at the weekend..... but equally I feel bad about her missing out in group chats etc.... but she’s 10.... I was still playing with Dolls when I was 10.

Ignore what’s accepted. She is almost certainly right. That doesn’t mean it’s good for her.

It shouldn’t matter what other parents allow or don’t allow. You need to set up rules that work for your own family.

I completely agree, and we did have a routine but gradually it's slipped and now I wonder if it's me being "in my day" and not moving with the times...

@tequila I'm thinking of doing the same!

As she’s 14 I don’t think starting with a total ban for a week is a good idea. Instead make it reasonable to start with - leaving phones downstairs to charge at night for example (or in your room - they can be switched off or password protected if your dd prefers), or switching off wifi at night and moving the router to your room.

If doing that doesn’t work or encourages addict like behaviour then you have room for more drastic sanctions.

I wouldn’t go with a total ban either, if only because it will feel like a punishment whatever you do and you don’t want it to seem like she has done something wrong. But I would put limits in.

Screentime app. My teenager has a daily limit, restrictions on downloading apps and a bedtime after which her phone won't work. All controlled from my phone. I can also allow extra time for chores or doing piano practice etc. It causes much less arguments than me telling her to get off her phone.

They go off when they get home from school, with half an hour or so on later in the evening. More on weekends but absolutely not unlimited access.

Mine both have screentime on theirs. They have a limit on the amount of gaming they can do, have limits on the type of web content they can view and the phones are blocked for all but calls and texts after 8.30pm

I have a 14 yr old and he doesn’t use his phone after 9. He also doesn’t use it before around 6.30 on a school day as he gets his hw done after school then we have dinner.
He also may have more hw or decide to watch tv instead.

All his friend’s mums who I am friendly with have similar restrictions so he can’t use the ‘but everyone else’ argument

I think it's reasonable enough to say that she has no access to it until she's got the chores she needs to do done first, then hand it over. Obviously if this doesn't work and it causes arguments then her phone use is an issue and then impose limitations, maybe a screentime app like other posters have mentioned.

I wouldn't go down that route right away though, let her show you she can get her homework/housework/dinner done first without her phone then hand it over. I remember being the teenager who had the stricter parents, they never believed me when I said they were being harsher than other parents (which was true) and it caused a lot of friction between us because I never felt listened to, even to this day we don't have an open and honest relationship. I think forcing her off her phone to spend time with you will have the opposite effect, who likes being forced to spend time with anyone? Sit her down and explain how you feel and what's going to happen from now on but allow her to get her point across also. Give her a chance to compromise with you.

If I ask my teen how many hours he thinks is a reasonable time to stay on his phone, he’d say 2 hrs.
If I don’t keep reminding him of that, he would happily stay on his phone for 6 hours probably, until he needs food or the toilet
Some people just can’t self regulate and I don’t think it’s a case of ‘in my day’ to restrict time on tech, it’s out of concern for mental and physical health and development, including educational progress.

At 14 I didn’t limit my kids gaming time and I wouldn’t their phone time. They self regulated. Generally always was asleep by ten

Maybe you could approach it with her taking responsibility for her own screen time. Tell her you don't want to impose sanctions and if she can self regulate with a bit of maturity then you don't have to do it on her behalf. Gives her the opportunity to take responsibility and tell her what will happen if she doesn't. I found with mine if I gave her the chance to be responsible she was usually pretty good at it.

First of all, tell her that you're redecorating her bedroom, then get some WiFi blocking paint!

This will stop her using her phone in her bedroom, not even 4g will work.

Then have a no phones at night rule.

That way you can limit/monitor her daytime/evening usage, and you don't have to worry about her being up all night or using a burner phone you don't know about.

I have Google family link on my 11yo dd's phone- she has limited screen time and set "bed time" on it. I also have to agree to apps she wants to download. Older kids just had a "no phones in bedrooms overnight" rule.

I put content blocks on DDS phone,it went off at 8.30pm until 7.30am.
She is now 16 and she self regulates but didn't when she was younger as I found during holidays when I lifted the block for a few days(2am group chatting to friends)

@TequilaMockingburd be careful with Robloxs, it has a chat function that we didn’t know about. We caught my 10 year old SD talking to complete stranger on there telling each other they loved each other. God knows who she was talking to

Do what you are comfortable with, after all you are the parent.

I work with kids in a pastoral/safeguarding capacity and if I could give parents of teenagers one piece of advice it would be no phones in bedrooms at night. The pressure to be responsive on social media 24/7 is so damaging.

Thank you for the replies everyone. I think I'll try to let her set her own times (with a bit of guidance!) so she doesn't see it as punishment.
Honestly, I think mobile phones and social media are the worst thing to happen to this generation 🙄

My daughter is in year 8, she is allowed on her phone until 7:30 and she goes to bed at 9pm, she spends alot of time watching youtube and going on instagram, shes not allowed to go on the internet in the morning before school. Apparently im too strict and some of her friends are allowed on it all night (i know this to be true as her friend messaged her at 3am). Weekends are more relaxed although the time shes off stays the same

When I go to bed I take her phone off charge in the kitchen and I'm always surprised at how many messages there are from 10pm onwards. Then in the morning, there are more from through the night!

I don't restrict my 12 and 14 year olds but they are doing well at school, always do their homework and don't feel pressure to reply to sm messages during the night. They're both always asleep by 10 during the week (12 year old usually by 9.30) even with their phones in their rooms.

They know if they don't do homework/chores without being reminded then they'd have a days ban. Seems to work for us