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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I just being sensitive over partner

33 replies

Mumprobs · 13/11/2019 11:30

I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive or what but I’m 20 pregnant (why I think it could just be hormones) and my partner makes me feel shitty about my self all the time. It’s little comments that put me down but I was on my way out to go shopping he said to me that I should of ‘shaved my upper lip’. I was taken back as I think it’s genuinely nasty to say but I let it slide then he said something about my two front teeth so I just left the house but I can’t get it out my head and it’s always horrible little comments like that!! Am I just being sensitive or am I right in thinking this is not normal?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 13/11/2019 11:32

It's not normal and no you're not just being over sensitive. What a dickhead. Is this something new he's started doing? I presume since you're pregnant you've been with him a while?

Original poster
Mumprobs · 13/11/2019 11:38

Arya - thank you I really needed someone to say it wasn’t normal! I’ve been with him 4 years but it’ll be 5 once baby is here so you say quite a while? I wouldn’t say it’s new necessarily but today really upset as I was in my coat ready to leave and he made me want to just not leave and I thought to myself as if he’s made me feel that bad!

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 13/11/2019 11:43

These little things will chip away at your confidence massively. I know you're pregnant now and I don't want to be throwing out the "LTB"s but I think you need to address it with him and see if you can sort this type of behaviour out or else I would consider leaving him, he doesn't sound very kind to you. Don't allow your child to grow up thinking it's ok for him to speak to his/her mother that way.

Dilkhush · 13/11/2019 12:08

I don't think you're being over sensitive. I tell my teenage DS that he should never make a negative remark about a woman or girls appearance. I just don't think a decent man would do this unless he was being deliberately hurtful. The furthest a man should go IMO is fairly neutral things like, "It's nice but I prefer the blue dress." My DH tells me that my (genuinely hideous) stretch marks are lovely because they show our journey together.

(My cousin's DH used to do this to her at big events so that she didn't have a good time, it was a method of controlling her. Once, at a huge family party, he told her that her dress made her look like a builder with tits dangling down to her waist. She changed clothes in the middle of the event but was quite flat after).

Emeraldshamrock · 13/11/2019 12:12

No you are not being sensitive. He is a dick head.
He is trying to hurt you.

Sallyseagull · 13/11/2019 12:39

That's not normal or ok, you shouldn't have to put up with it.

HollowTalk · 13/11/2019 12:42

He sounds horrible. Has this just started?

Icanflyhigh · 13/11/2019 12:55

That's not nice at all op. Yes you are perhaps feeling more sensitive with changes in your body and shape etc, but to be that specific about an area is just mean and rude.

Don't let him chip your confidence away with nasty remarks like this, challenge him on it. Is he perfect?

Branster · 13/11/2019 13:02

That’s really mean of him to say such things to you. It’s not normal.
I can’t think of why he’d do it other than to simply put you down and make you feel bad about yourself and loose your self confidence.
You are not over sensitive.
Has he mad similar remarks before you got regnant but perhaps you didn’t find them as upsetting at the time?

JasonPollack · 13/11/2019 13:03

That's really horrible.

Ariadnepersephonecloud · 13/11/2019 13:07

That's awful, my ex used to do this all the time. Honestly I have next to no confidence left by time I finally left. It was constant tiny little things, and it was a horrible way to live.

Mumtotwo82 · 13/11/2019 13:07

No it's disrespectful

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2019 13:10

This is not remotely normal, it's cruel and nasty.

To give you context, I've been with my husband since I was 20. He still randomly gives me compliments, like you look lovely this morning, when I'm just up. He's never and would never randomly insult me.

The fact yours would is simoly appalling, I really don't know why you didn't rip him a new one. I would have.

sammybins · 13/11/2019 13:42

undermining your confidence, causing you to be concerned about your presentation, especially before you go out: sounds like he'd like his little woman to be stuck indoors...

MeTheCoolOne · 13/11/2019 13:45

It's really nasty and unkind. He has gone out of his way to belittle you and to upset you.

What will you feel if he treats your child like that....

FinallyHere · 13/11/2019 14:05

That sounds horrible.

Is it possible it started, or perhaps ramped up, once you became pregnant?

It is common for abuse to ramp up when you appear vulnerable.

PennyNotSoWise · 13/11/2019 14:29

Sounds like he thinks he's got you where he wants you now you're pregnant, and Mr Nasty can come out to play.

He'll likely keep ramping it up until you're a wreck with no self esteem, dependent on him and 'grateful' that he wants to be with you.

Big red flags OP, I think you have some thinking to do.

Original poster
Mumprobs · 13/11/2019 15:46

Thank you! I wish I could show him all these replies to show him this isn’t normal and that it’s really hurting me. I’m ‘childish’ if I even dare say anything about how it’s made me feel. I should learn to stick up for myself instead of letting him belittle me.

For those asking if it started since before pregnant, no it hasn’t. I should of known better really to think the behaviour would change. He isn’t like this everyday so I actually forget the comments he’s made but then he’ll randomly make a comment like today and then it shocks me for some reason. We’ve spoken and he’s acting fine Confused

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/11/2019 15:55

I’m ‘childish’ if I even dare say anything about how it’s made me feel.

This is awful. He's subtly abusing you, then calling you childish if you call him out on it?

What are are you options/thoughts about leaving before the baby arrives? He's only going to get worse and you'll be more vulnerable once baby is here.

Original poster
Mumprobs · 15/11/2019 08:36

I feel trapped! I have thought about leaving him and it is possible as I have family around me to help and places to stay until I found somewhere. This morning the comment wasn’t about me but was about the baby. We were discussing something we are going to purchase before she/he arrives and he said ‘we can’t spend too much yet as the baby will likely ruin it’ and then he follows on with ‘like my life’ I said that sounds awful and he said but it’s true.

Really making me hate my pregnancy and I feel regretful about everything. If I could turn back time I would and then I feel horrendous for even thinking that Hmm

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/11/2019 08:39

the baby will likely ruin it’ and then he follows on with ‘like my life’ I said that sounds awful and he said but it’s true.

What a horrible, shitty, spiteful thing to say. His mask is starting to slip.

Please make plans to leave before baby arrives; sounds like he won't be helping you in any way.

GabriellaMontez · 15/11/2019 08:43

I would tell him what a horrible comment that was. And ask him if he really means it. Because if so you'll be re thinking the relationship.

areyouafraidofthedark · 15/11/2019 08:45

Do you say anything back to him about his appearance? This morning you should of said well you know where the door is! I would be seriously rethinking this relationship.

joystir59 · 15/11/2019 08:45

Leave him asap, don't wait until the baby arrives. Go to your family. He does not deserve you, and you certainly deserve better than this nasty abusive man.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 15/11/2019 08:50

What an arse he is. You poor thing xx

Maybe give him a taste of his own medicine and start belittling him. Or his behaviour. Even just say something like "oh that make you feel better does it, dragging me down"?