Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest room opened how long?

32 replies

Trickyshel · 13/11/2019 10:39

So I helped a colleague going through a DV separation by offering my spare room until she got on her feet.
That was 5 months ago.
How do I approach the subject of her finding her own place now? Or is it rude of me?
She works full time and isn't depressed with the situation.
My close friend says I've made it too easy for her as I provide meals.for her and ask for for very little rent (thinking it was allowing her to save towards her own place)
Thanks for any advice....

OP posts:
IDontEvenHaveAPla · 13/11/2019 11:12

When you offered the space did you discuss how long the arrangement would ideally be for?

Your friend sounds right, why are you providing meals for her? Surely she is capable herself?

5 months is more than ample time, I would just ask her what her plans are as you are unable to continue this arrangement. You can say that financially it is costing you more to host her and the rent does not cover it.

Honestly, I would approach this ASAP, otherwise you will continue to be taken advantage of. Hasn’t she herself ever mentioned that she’s looking for places? Why are you putting up with it?

Sarah138 · 13/11/2019 11:13

Hi, you’ve been so nice in helping her going through a difficult time.
Honestly is always the best option, be open and tell her that it’s time for a new start. If she is ok now, I would suggest maybe to help her to look for a flat highlighting the fact that it’s time for her to start her new life.

CalmdownJanet · 13/11/2019 11:15

Course it's not rude, just have a sit down and say "Maria, you seem so much happier in yourself and I'm so glad I could help you out but it's time to think about what you are going to do next, home wise I mean, have you thought starting to look?"

EvaHarknessRose · 13/11/2019 11:17

2 months notice - you have plans for that room. Any objections it goes to one month.

bridgetreilly · 13/11/2019 11:20

Talk to her. This is not rocket science. You need to have a conversation that makes it clear you're glad to have been able to help her but she needs to start thinking about moving on.

carly2803 · 13/11/2019 11:38

agree with above - 2months notice - any massive objections id give her a month

if she turns nasty - one week.

sillysmiles · 13/11/2019 11:48

Did you have a time frame in mind when you offered it to her? Personally as she is an adult I wouldn't be providing meals for 2 reasons - 1)it makes more work on you and 2) it removes some of her independence. Is the meals thing because you don't want her cooking in your kitchen?

Just sit down with her and ask her what her plans for the next steps. Yes she would have been saving but she also might have debts that she's trying to clear before starting again. There is no need to be confrontational just honest and open.

I'm surprised in 5 months of sharing meals that general discussion of future plans haven't come up.

OldEvilOwl · 13/11/2019 12:04

You have been very kind. She must think it's a permanent arrangement. Have the conversation asap

sillysmiles · 13/11/2019 12:17

I wonder if she thinks it's mutually beneficial - you are getting money, she's getting somewhere to live? Rather than her taking the piss.

steppemum · 13/11/2019 12:25

Just it down (over one of those meals!) and say - while you have been happy to help and enjoyed her company, you think it is time for her to move on.

I don't think she is necessarily taking the piss, I think she may think you are happy with the arrangement (as sillysmiles says)

Be reasonable with timing - 2 months rather than one. But with Christmas coming up, you could also say you need her out before Christmas.

VardySheWrote · 13/11/2019 12:30

If she thinks she is being a regular lodger, she'd have absolutely no idea YOU see it as a temporary arrangement - just talk with her. You need your room back, that's the end of it. No need to be unpleasant or hasty, a friendly discussion is fine.

Winterdaysarehere · 13/11/2019 12:31

New year new home.
2020 is the year you have your home back!!

Sallyseagull · 13/11/2019 12:31

What CalmdownJanet has said is perfect.

HollowTalk · 13/11/2019 12:32

I would have a friend coming over from abroad who wants to stay for all of December and into the new year.

Your friend is taking the piss now, given how little she pays.

BrieAndChilli · 13/11/2019 12:34

does she think that this is a permenant arrangment?
would you mind her staying if she paid market rate and did half of the cooking/chores etc like a regular housemate or do you have a family so want the house back to yourselves?

DishingOutDone · 13/11/2019 13:25

Tell her she has to find somewhere to move into the first week in January, a lot of lets tend to start around that time so plenty to view. So 6 weeks - don't say 6 weeks notice its too formal, next thing you know she'll be saying she has a tenancy with you!

BiddyPop · 13/11/2019 14:11

Do you normally have anyone coming to visit at Christmastime or similar? Are there people who would normally visit you (generally across the year) that haven't been able to due to your colleague's presence?

Perhaps have a conversation about the future and how things are going for her, and suggesting that it might be a good time to start looking for her own place at this stage.

Let her know (gently) that a few others who normally visit haven't been able to, and that while you are delighted to have been able to help her get out of a difficult situation, you also would like to be able to have others visit again especially with Christmas/New Year/ family event/random activity coming up in X weeks (give her a few weeks to organise herself - not just "here, luv, outta my house" IYKWIM).

And perhaps have a couple of ideas for where she could look, or good estate agents locally, or someone you know who is looking for a tenant/houseshare etc....
So friendly and helpful, but letting her know that she does need to start getting herself on her own two feet at some point

HouseworkAvoider10 · 13/11/2019 14:42

.

StartingAgainID · 13/11/2019 14:46

If you don't mind having someone in your house...... suggest to her that you're thinking of doing Air B&B and ask if she'd write your first review. Tell her how much rooms nearby are going for?!

Maybe not really - but if you're going through this inconvenience, you really should me getting proper remuneration. Definitely tell her it's time to move in. Christmas guests is a great idea. Where do you live? Is it somewhere nice? Would I like to visit?!

Alsohuman · 13/11/2019 14:51

New year, new start. I’d be totally honest and say it’s a temporary arrangement and she needs her own space and independence. You’ve been very supportive so far, this is the next step of that support.

GloGirl · 13/11/2019 14:53

Out by 10th January i would ask for!

FavouriteSoul · 13/11/2019 14:59

I feel your pain. I offered a close friend of mine somewhere for her and her child to stay after escaping an abusive marriage many years ago. 18 months later, she was still there, merrily shagging her new boyfriend, and leaving me to do all the school runs and pick ups while she worked and socialised. I had to be really tough and order her to find somewhere else to live. I'd known her since childhood but this extended rent-free stay ruined the friendship and we haven't been in touch since.

Spitsandspots · 13/11/2019 15:01

Will you be having visitors for Christmas who will need to use the room?
Their plans could always change of course Wink but, if it gets your room back....

Jaxhog · 13/11/2019 15:01

5 months!! Wow, are you a good friend -mug-

Tell her you have family coming over after Christmas, so she'll need to be gone by then. Or, if you like having her there, tell her she will have to start paying commercial rent, as 5 months is enough of a temp stay as a guest. And stop cooking for her! Unless you want to be a hotel and start charging hotel fees.

Orchidflower1 · 13/11/2019 15:03

Yep you’ve been a fab friend but it’s time to draw the line.

I agree with pp- you need the room for guests at Christmas. Give her until 10th dec to find a place.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.