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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Friends didn't acknowledge birthday

48 replies

BlingItOn · 12/11/2019 18:48

Within my circle of "good friends" we are all turning 50. Some of them turned 50 before me. One friend decided that she wasn't having a big party but would be celebrating turning 50 all year with a number of events. We ended up going out with her for the day and having a meal, theatre and a big present. Friend 2 turns 50 after me and she is planning a massive party where we will have to go and stay overnight, present involved etc.

Between the 2 of them I have turned 50. I've not been well and I have a few major issues going on in my life so am not having a party. There is a lot of distractions in my life at the moment (family dramas) but amongst this I would still like to celebrate my birthday. Anyway, it has been and gone, my friends know when exactly my BD is and I didn't even get a card.They know about the horrible time I have been having too. I got an email off one of them wishing me a happy B'day but the other has totally missed it.

OK, so I've not laid out my wishes or desires ""it's my B'day and this is what we are doing" i.e. party, lunch or weekend away, but I'm really hurt that I didn't even get a card when I have/ am expected to bend over backwards for theirs.

I feel hurt by this. AIBU?

OP posts:
MinistryOfTragic · 12/11/2019 19:12

Yanbu I'm sorry you have thoughtless friends. Happy birthday from me FlowersCakeWine

ShirleyPhallus · 12/11/2019 19:13

Oh you poor thing, happy birthday to you!!

That said, I am pretty useless at dates and very thankful for friends who throw parties cos it means I remember to celebrate them. Your email friend is incredibly thoughtless. You could organise a belated birthday celebration to force them to celebrate with you...?

RhiWrites · 12/11/2019 19:37

Which friend are you closest to? Do you feel able to say “I’m a bit sad not to have had any birthday presents from friends”. It gives them the opportunity to do right by you, although ideally they shouldn’t need the prompt of course.

Happy birthday. Please plan something nice for yourself whatever else happens.

Original poster
BlingItOn · 13/11/2019 06:52

I feel childish mentioning not getting a present. Like I'm 8 or something. It's more the fact that we all had to make a big fuss over theirs, that turning 50 is a big deal but that doesn't work both ways. I think that because I didn't organise anything or ask anyone to go away for the weekend to celebrate, it doesn't count.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/11/2019 07:03

Was your Birthday discussed previously....anyone ask you if any plans etc?
To not even call and wish you a happy birthday is crappy- id make it clear I was upset/reluctant to celebrate anyone else’s

Sallyseagull · 13/11/2019 07:04

I think I would have to say something as I would have been hurt by this too. You dont necessarily have to mention presents but must say you felt sad that hardly anyone wished you a happy birthday.

positivepixie · 13/11/2019 07:04

I am the friend that always organises stuff for the group and do get a bit tired of this when others don't lift a finger. Your friends may be thinking 'oh that Bling never bothers to organise stuff so she can't be that bothered'. I would message them and say 'I know my birthday has gone now but it would be good to celebrate in some way, are you free on X date?'. Might sound harsh but if you put energy into engaging with them rather than getting the hump, you'd get a better reaction.

Roussette · 13/11/2019 07:06

It's appalling. They aren't real friends if they can't be bothered to even send you a card on a special birthday like a 50th.

No doubt you will get posters come along saying, stop being so precious, some people don't celebrate birthdays blah blah... ignore them, it's mean, especially when your friends are making a fuss about theirs.

I'd leave it until the birthdays have died down, and then tell them you were hurt.

Happy Birthday Flowers

Loopytiles · 13/11/2019 07:09

Sorry you’ve been having hard times.

It’s crap that they didn’t send a card / small gift or get in touch properly. But you didn’t “have to” attend the things they organised for themselves.

Hont1986 · 13/11/2019 07:56

Tbh I do think you're making too big a deal of this. Adult friends aren't going to really do anything to celebrate your birthday unless you organise it.

Is your birthday on Facebook? That's the only reason I 'know' any of my friends' birthdays.

ShatnersWig · 13/11/2019 07:57

Is your birthday on Facebook? That's the only reason I 'know' any of my friends' birthdays.

That's pretty crap then.

PenelopeFlintstone · 13/11/2019 07:58

I'm with Hont. I love my friends but sometimes forget their birthdays, more as we get older.

FraggleRocking · 13/11/2019 08:05

Did you have a conversation about your birthdays at some point where they said they were doing X, Y, Z and you said you were doing nothing to celebrate. Maybe they took this to mean you didn’t want any fuss so it simply dropped off their radar completely?

ShatnersWig · 13/11/2019 08:07

Hont and Penelope Casual friends, perhaps, but even your closest good friends, as in the case of the OP? I think that's pretty crap. I'd never forget a close friends birthday or need Facebook to remind me (how did we cope before social media)!

ChileConCarne · 13/11/2019 08:07

Unfortunately we live in a self-obsessed world now and if you want to have birthday plans, you need to make them happen 🤷🏼‍♀️

ConkerGame · 13/11/2019 08:10

OP I’m sorry, that’s rubbish. If you are very close to them I would message to say “I’m really upset that you didn’t do anything to acknowledge my birthday, especially given all the effort I’m going to for celebrating both of yours” and see whether they get their act together.

I have a friend who never organises anything for her birthday but we always all message her and if it was a big one we would organise a dinner amongst us as friends.

Roussette · 13/11/2019 08:14

Tbh I do think you're making too big a deal of this. Adult friends aren't going to really do anything to celebrate your birthday unless you organise it

Does that include not even sending a card for a 50th?

My friends are more important than that.

Beautiful3 · 13/11/2019 08:17

Perhaps email both and ask if they want to go for a meal or spa day for your birthday. See if they put the effort into it and buy a present.

SuchAToDo · 13/11/2019 08:21

Why not say, "ladies, I know my 50th birthday has been and gone but I've had distractions in personal life which stopped me celebrating it then....so do you fancy joining me to celebrate it this weekend, where shall we go ladies? Do you fancy a meal? A show? A night on the town."

In other words phrase it as though you were too busy to elevate and are not busy now....if they are true friends they will celebrate belatedly with you, if they aren't true friends and still won't acknowledge your birthday belatedly then at least you know where you stand with them

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 13/11/2019 08:21

Same for me! One text for one of DHs mates.

A friend has a birthday within a couple of weeks of mine - so when it was hers (not even a ‘big’ birthday’ it was all flowers, champagne, gifts and fuss) and no bugger even mentioned that it had been my ‘big’ birthday very recently. Maybe they just don’t like me!

My siblings are spectacularly crap too! Sigh. What can you do?

SuchAToDo · 13/11/2019 08:22

*celebrate...not elevate

scubadive · 13/11/2019 08:45

@SuchAToDo yes this.

Also depending on response, ie) if any decline or are not available on another date, I would also say I am hurt that because I was unwell/had family issues at the time my birthday went unnoticed. (You don’t need to specifically mention a present but you could add not even a card ‘Susan’? Did all the others already 50 receive cards and presents?

I’m afraid I have had lots of this type of experience, unless you organise something yourself, ‘friends’ often don’t bother. My 50th went unnoticed too by friends despite two planning a big celebration one of whom was a good friend.

I’d be less inclined to attend the weekend away and make it clear why, unless you can add onto it and suggest that as you have npbeen having such a hard time and wasn’t able to celebrate can you make the weekend away a joint celebration.

There was a thread on here a while ago though where such an event occurred and one persons birthday was completely ignored while one took over and made it all about her birthday, the other came away feeling very sad.

Does anyone remember the name of that thread?

wondering7777 · 13/11/2019 08:49

I’m in my 30s and none of my friends send cards - it’s all just messages on FB nowadays. It’s a shame really!

furrytoebean · 13/11/2019 08:56

Some people are funny about their 50th maybe they thought because you hadn't mentioned it you were trying to ignore it.
The meal and theatre sounded like it was organised by the woman in question not by the group of friends.
I've always organised my own.
I would just say 'we were all busy during my birthday so can we do something for it now?'

Smelborp · 13/11/2019 09:06

I also think you’ll need to take the initiative here - they should have done more but that’s happened and it can’t be changed so I would just organise something yourself.