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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Friends didn't acknowledge birthday

48 replies

BlingItOn · 12/11/2019 18:48

Within my circle of "good friends" we are all turning 50. Some of them turned 50 before me. One friend decided that she wasn't having a big party but would be celebrating turning 50 all year with a number of events. We ended up going out with her for the day and having a meal, theatre and a big present. Friend 2 turns 50 after me and she is planning a massive party where we will have to go and stay overnight, present involved etc.

Between the 2 of them I have turned 50. I've not been well and I have a few major issues going on in my life so am not having a party. There is a lot of distractions in my life at the moment (family dramas) but amongst this I would still like to celebrate my birthday. Anyway, it has been and gone, my friends know when exactly my BD is and I didn't even get a card.They know about the horrible time I have been having too. I got an email off one of them wishing me a happy B'day but the other has totally missed it.

OK, so I've not laid out my wishes or desires ""it's my B'day and this is what we are doing" i.e. party, lunch or weekend away, but I'm really hurt that I didn't even get a card when I have/ am expected to bend over backwards for theirs.

I feel hurt by this. AIBU?

OP posts:

Mummaofmytribe · 13/11/2019 09:07

I think that's thoughtless and hurtful. It's not hard. I always send flowers on birthdays of women close to me. I like to hope that way they're guaranteed one nice surprise even if the rest of the day is humdrum. Always seems to be very much appreciated and so easy to do.

BlackCatSleeping · 13/11/2019 09:12

I don't think many people do send birthday cards these days. I agree that you probably need to organise your own celebration, then people would turn up with gifts.

Why not send out a message saying "Does anyone feel like meeting up for dinner and drinks at X place this Saturday at 7pm as a belated 50th party for me?"

OneDay10 · 13/11/2019 09:24

Yanbu op. There is just no excuse for that. And sending an email is just pathetic. Its lazy and tells you how much worth the effort you are. If they havent been that concerned with all the other issues you are having then are they even worth keeping as friends?
I would think twice.

Itsallpetetong · 13/11/2019 09:30

I didn’t even get a ‘happy birthday’ this year off 5 friends despite seeing them a few days earlier and me mentioning it was my b.day. All their birthdays are on my calendar. Clearly I’m not important to them at all.
YANBU to feel hurt.

lau888 · 13/11/2019 10:01

Belated happy birthday from me, OP. :) I'm sorry but I think you should have made your feelings a bit clearer. Personally, I'm not hugely into birthdays and, if you hadn't indicated otherwise, I would have inferred you didn't want to mark the occasion with anything significant.

MorganKitten · 13/11/2019 11:01

The last two years no ones acknowledged mine.

Roussette · 13/11/2019 11:05

I agree that you probably need to organise your own celebration, then people would turn up with gifts

But what if you are not feeling well? Does that mean friends won't even acknowledge your big birthday by a whatsapp, card, message on FB or whatever? I don't call those people friends. That you have to hold a celebration to even get acknowledgement of your 50th.

FrenchJunebug · 13/11/2019 11:33

I am an single adult and unless I organise my own birthday parties I don't get card. I get facebook messages wishing be a happy birthday but it's a sad state of affair that if you want something done for your birthday you have to 1) say so 2) organise it yourself.

FrenchJunebug · 13/11/2019 11:35

For my 50th I invite three close friends for dinner and went to brunch and the museum with another one. I'm going to a 50th birthday party soon organise by the person turning 50. So please don't assume that people will remember or do something for your birthday unless you ask.

Roussette · 13/11/2019 12:44

What about friends that don't live near you?

Does that mean, because it is impossible to go to a 50th birthday party as they live hundreds of miles away, they don't even get acknowledgement of their birthday?
I'm not talking expensive presents etc, I'm just talking a message or a card

I'm amazed at this.

MeTheCoolOne · 13/11/2019 12:44

That's a perfect suggestion by Such
Why not say, "ladies, I know my 50th birthday has been and gone but I've had distractions in personal life which stopped me celebrating it then....so do you fancy joining me to celebrate it this weekend, where shall we go ladies? Do you fancy a meal? A show? A night on the town

I think they were thoughtless not sending a card but I don't think it's that bad iyswim Some people celebrate their birthdays and some people don't, if you want to do something then just ask. You could always just go for a drink if you want. 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Original poster

BlingItOn · 13/11/2019 17:35

Friend 1 was well aware it was my birthday, was with me a few days before it and was aware that some of my other friends had caught onto the fact that it was my 50th and had organised some things for me and them. She also knew about my holiday to celebrate it. Friend 2 came for coffee in my house and sat in my living room amongst about 20 cards with 50 on it and didn't mention a word.

Go figure. I just think with these 2 they are so engrossed in themselves they can't see what is going on around them. A lesson learned.

One of them has just let me know what I can get her DC for Christmas

OP posts:

finished31 · 13/11/2019 17:44

Tell friend to get to fuck with her DC's present!

Please don't be chipping in for the next person who has a big birthday...hate people like this.

Original poster

BlingItOn · 13/11/2019 18:06

I think I'm going to say something like "oh, I thought we weren't doing cards and presents anymore?"

OP posts:

Smelborp · 13/11/2019 22:12

Yes do!

Mrsgogginsthe3rd · 13/11/2019 22:26

No you’re not, a similar thing has just happened to me today and I’m surprised how hurt I feel and am sat here thinking what have I done. Oldest best friend not acknowledged my bday - she’s been on and off whatsapp and social media all day nothing - but she has managed to do a birthday picture tribute on Social Media to her DH’s best friend who’s birthday it is as well - I haven’t even had a text, been close friends for 35 years! What goes through people’s head!

hertfordshiremum1984 · 13/11/2019 22:34

I'm sorry you feel hurt, I think you should discuss it with your friends.

Within my circle of friends, most of us don't really celebrate birthdays anymore unless it is a milestone birthday. I'd send a text to my friends on their actually birthdays but don't really send cards. My friends do the same. If one of us had a special event for our birthday we'd make a big fuss.

You need to consider the dynamics of your friendship group - is this behaviour unusual or because you decided not do anything official for your birthday?

ddl1 · 27/11/2019 11:30

Happy birthday. I think that people often take the cue from the person having the birthday. Either the 'birthday boy/girl' themselves or a family member organizes the event, and the friends attend and bring gifts. I think it is a bit U for either the birthday person or their friends to make assumptions about what the person will want, until and unless they make it clear. Personally, I'm a bit extreme in NOT wanting my birthday acknowledged. I hate the very idea of my transition from one age to another being treated as a social occasion: indeed even as a child, though I liked presents, I never liked being reminded that 'now you're 6', etc. I don't put my birthday on social media; don't tell people when it is; and most family members and old friends know not to mention it. So I would be upset if friends did acknowledge it.And even if I did celebrate it, I think I would prefer that they were guided by what I choose to do: I have never liked 'surprise parties. Of course, not everyone is like me and I try to acknowledge other people's birthdays in ways that I think they'd like - easiest if they or their family members just tell me! So I would take the initiative in organizing a 'late birthday' celebration.

Confusedbeetle · 27/11/2019 11:34

In my experience it is the birthday person who calls the shots and leads the celebration, crazy. If you dont it is assumed you dont want a fuss. If you dont remind them (think FB police) how will they know. The harsh reality is you will only get what you promote. Its only a birthday. I will be keeping my upcoming 70th a secret

ddl1 · 27/11/2019 11:36

'I get facebook messages wishing be a happy birthday but it's a sad state of affair that if you want something done for your birthday you have to 1) say so 2) organise it yourself.'

I don't really think that's sad. There are some people (me, see above) who HATE to have a fuss made of their birthday. And some who do celebrate, but would prefer to be in control of how it's done.

justilou1 · 27/11/2019 11:40

I think you should tell friend “You have got to be fucking kidding me! You couldn’t acknowledge my 50th birthday, and you’re telling me what to get your kids for Christmas!”

ddl1 · 27/11/2019 14:52

'You have got to be fucking kidding me! You couldn’t acknowledge my 50th birthday, and you’re telling me what to get your kids for Christmas!”'

While she shouldn't be 'ordering' gifts from friends, she may genuinely think of presents as being mainly for kids. If she was asking for gifts for herself, it would be a bit different (and of course CFery to do at all!).

It sounds as though the birthday celebrations that your friends had were things that they chose and organized themselves, possibly with help from partners or families, but certainly not organized for them by friends.

And frankly: as I said, I really don't WANT anyone to acknowledge my birthday, and especially not any particular age-milestone: I would feel really upset d if people did. Maybe the OP's friends think that she's the same, as she hasn't proposed a celebration. One cannot expect others to read one's mind.

OneQuirkyCat · 09/08/2024 08:16

It happened to me - some women I thought were good friends and live nearby got together the weekend closest to my 50th birthday but I wasn’t invited. Another friend had reminded them several times that my 50th was coming up.

At the end of the day of my actual birthday, I posted on Instagram to thank other friends who’d sent cards, flowers etc. Women must have then seen the post, and Whatsapped me ‘happy birthday’. Nothing else. Still hurts when I think about it.

I’ve celebrated them every year - meals, drinks, parties, cards and presents. I don’t see them any more. I’d rather spend my time with people who care about me!

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