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To never want to see my friend

29 replies

Allthecake89 · 12/11/2019 16:59

Hi everyone, I have a friend that I met 12 years ago. Before kids we go on great. But since kids I have sort of seen a side to her I don't like. Her child is now 6. She became a mum 18 months before me. I always helped her out with babysitting etc in that first year. I thought we would always help eachother out and go through motherhood together.

After my DD was born her child got extremely jelous. She just sat there and let her child attack her on her playmat etc. If I fed my DD her child would steal her bottle and scream in her face. When my DD was a few weeks old she said we could walk to the fayre together (25 min walk) I out my DD in her pram for her settled and then my friend said we were going in the car. I said to her I had just settled her in the pram. If never done the collapsing of her pram or the carseat without my partner. She insisted. So there I was screaming newborn, struggling to juggle a seat, a pram , a bag .. her dummy fell on the grass and she screamed around the fayre for over an hour. I was close to tears myself as she didn't do anything to help me at all. After nine months of what felt like selfish behaviour I suggested meeting once a month without kids for a meal or something. Knock the play dates on the head because the kids were not the right age to play. She took in really bad and stopped speaking for two years.

We ended up both expecting babies at the same time and we did get back in touch. We began meeting just for the odd hour with just the babies. She soon got back into wanting too meet on her days off. If I wasn't free she went moody. If I had to cancel she made sarky comments like we still go out with colds because it makes us feel better rather than sitting in the house. I never contact her first about meeting because I have no desire to meet her. I know it sounds bitchy but I never feel she gives a monkeys about my kids. She won't offer them food at her house. Not even a drink. She always takes but never offers anything. She's had bags of next clothes for nothing and never considered offering a few quid or buying my DD some sweets. I've done all this stuff for her in the past and always given her kids good etc.

She wants to meet up this week. I was sort of planning too but now I've got a bad throat and the dreaded monthly is coming Thursday which makes me feel awful.I really don't want to say I'll see her because I know full well she won't be happy if I let her down. I just never know what to do when we meet up. We should be comfortable enough with eachother now that we can go into eachothers Homes for a cuppa and if it was a true friendship we both would surely be closer to eachothers kids.

I have another friend who I met four years ago. We seem to really click. She's the sort of friend that lifts my pushchair down the stairs, we buy eachother coffee and we both care about eachothers kids. We buy cheap £5ish gifts for their birthdays too. I feel like the connection and closeness doesn't exist with the other friend.

I don't know what to do about her message. I am so annoyed at myself for getting myself back in this position. I guess some friendships just don't work out after kids.

OP posts:

Redspider1 · 12/11/2019 17:00

She doesn’t sound like a friend to me. Move on.


Allthecake89 · 12/11/2019 17:01

Goodness me so many typos! So sorry if that doesn't make sense in places.

OP posts:

Redspider1 · 12/11/2019 17:02

Just say you’re busy, you don’t have to explain.


FabbyChix · 12/11/2019 17:04

Say you’re busy


AlwaysCheddar · 12/11/2019 17:13

She is not a friend!!!


LagunaBubbles · 12/11/2019 17:13

Why do you want to carry on a friendship like this? She's not a friend. So what if she won't be happy.


cushioncovers · 12/11/2019 17:20

Dump her, she will end up hurting your feelings and making you feel awkward again. There are other people out there.


Spied · 12/11/2019 17:21

I wouldn't go but if you do go then be mindful of all the ways her behaviour exhibits that she really isn't a friend
at all. It may be just what you need to set yourself free from her for good.


Majorcollywobble · 12/11/2019 17:29

Tell her the meetings off - If she feels let down - tough. You don’t have to explain either. Use the old tried and tested scratched record technique . Say the same thing over and over but it slightly different ways - Just can’t manage it - not sure when I can manage it - lets leave it for now - don’t apologize either . Look at it that she has forfeited your friendship by her poor behaviour .
She isn’t your friend any longer - it’s not your fault - you have matured and she hasn’t .
Enjoy a balanced and pleasant friendship with someone you are obviously on the same wavelength with.


billy1966 · 12/11/2019 17:36

Just text that you are busy and can't meet up. And repeat. No explanation. If she is nasty, block her.

Move on.

I really cannot understand spending time with people who aren't nice.

Especially when you have small children. You have enough stress going on without your friends making you feel bad.

She's not a friend. Move on.


ShadowOnTheSun · 12/11/2019 17:38

Don't feel bad and don't feel guilty. Friends care for each other, help each other out and support each other. She's no friend and you don't owe her anything. Don't go to a meeting and don't feel bad about it. Meet the nice friend instead.


FudgeBrownie2019 · 12/11/2019 17:39

Don't spend time with people you don't like. Make it a new rule.

Let the friendship die a death and spend your time with people who are lovely, who want to help you and who want to see you happy.


IdblowJonSnow · 12/11/2019 17:40

Sounds awful. What hard work. Ditch her.
It's not a case of friendship changing post kids, she's just not a pleasant person.


Ariadnepersephonecloud · 12/11/2019 17:41

Just say no. You don't have to stay in a bad friendship and that's what this is! Sounds like if you tell her you don't want to meet she might not talk to you for two years anyway so that will be nice 😁


Takeitonthechin · 12/11/2019 17:45

Just bin her, she sounds a nightmare


Marlena1 · 12/11/2019 18:19

You are losing nothing by getting rid of her. And she might actually learn that her behaviour is very wrong.


Antigon · 12/11/2019 18:23

Why are you even doubting yourself OP? I dislike her without even having met her, it must be so much in worse in real li free. Cut loose.


Jollitwiglet · 12/11/2019 18:28

Aren't you supposed to get some kind of enjoyment out of friendships?


MrsTWH · 12/11/2019 18:36

Yep this one has run it’s course. Say you’re busy and don’t initiate any contact, let it fizzle and put your efforts into someone you actually like spending time with! You’re not obliged to be at her beck and call no matter how long you’ve known her.


TheMustressMhor · 12/11/2019 18:40

Wow. She doesn't sound like a friend you should have in your life, OP.

I would just move on with your life and forget about her. No explanations necessary.


Chloemol · 12/11/2019 18:45

Just text her or however you contact her, tell her you are not well and cancelling and just don’t rearrange.


OrangeZog · 12/11/2019 18:53

You don’t like her, you don’t want to spend time with her so just ignore her message or else reply and say you are busy but she hope she has a good day and repeat every time you hear from her.


user1493413286 · 12/11/2019 20:12

She doesn’t sound like much of a friend and I can’t work out what you’re getting out of this friendship. Just tell her you can’t make it and be busy whenever she asks to meet. The other option is to be honest with her in the kindest way possible and see if it makes her reflect on her actions.


Allthecake89 · 12/11/2019 21:02

Thanks for responses. You are all so right. I've still not responded, I am hoping she will leave it. I think it's letting go of a time we were close and I find it hard to be horrible and ignore people. We are just not on the same wavelength at all. She tends to pester because she hates being home and has to have plans all the time. She doesn't even invite us to hers anyway and with the awful weather I don't want to drag my son out in his pushchair to keep her happy this week anyway. Thanks for all your replies. Helps to know it's not me being unreasonable. Sorry again for my awful typos. It was awful to read back lol!

OP posts:

Bringonspring · 12/11/2019 21:10

You just have different ways of parenting, this happens a lot. It sounds like she likes to be out and about and you prefer being in, there will be loads of differences. For example we went on holiday with great friends and our children but just had different approaches to parenting on holiday, eg I liked mine in bed and following the same routine, our friends liked to let their children stay up till 11pm!

I would text your friend though, if she is someone who likes to have plans and not be in then at least let her know so she can make other arrangements

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