When does intimacy between friends (husband and a female friend) cross the line? Advice needed please

[Afternoonlemonandhoney]

Can people who are potentially attracted to each other form friendships and still be true to their marriage? I believe they can...But as the friendship evolves, I'm not too sure. Feeling comfortable around someone is a blessing. But if they are starting to feel very close emotionally, it may be a big warning sign?

My husband has a close female friend. They share a hobby twice a week for about 2 hours each time.
It looks like a good friendship only but I kind of want to draw the line at them meeting up. AIBU??

How would you feel, what would you DO? Thank you!!!

True... Therefore my fears.

I mean about "emotional affairs I think are worse than shagging someone"

I'd suggest you read Not Just Friends. It has a quiz to help you and your spouse discuss boundaries so that no one slips into crossing them and can say it just happened...once you've had these conversations it them becomes a fully conscious decision to breach the trust and boundaries you have agreed (and out of your control). Most affairs are about slow, unconscious breaking of boundaries over time and almost all start with a friendship that is totally innocent, that evolves into bashing the spouse and/or feeling invigorated and alive and seeing someone you wish you were again reflected in the eyes of the other. Hobbies and work (where we might feel competent and confident) are the most likely times for us to start bonding with someone in these ways.

I'm pretty sure this is the same poster who recently had a thread saying she was worried about her husband getting too close to his French tutor...?

If one partner feels uncomfortable, then the other needs to reign it in.

I can't imagine DH ever not listening to me if I raised a concern.

Have you expressed your feelings on the matter to him, op?

DH plays golf, and often plays mixed so partners up with the same woman. They often text each other, and they are FB friends.

Doesn't bother me remotely. I have no urge to control his friendships and I trust him.

If your DH has never done anything to make you think he'd be unfaithful, shouldn't you trust him?

@Bergermurd well spotted it is indeed the same poster. How many hobbies does your partner have OP

What is it you are really worried about here? That their friendship will progress into an actual affair? Or are you already uncomfortable and want it to stop?

It’s important you work that out which of these it is as it determines how you tackle this.

If the former, then unfortunately there’s nothing you can about it. Or at least nothing golf related. If he has an affair it’s not going to be because of golf or spending time with someone, it’s going to be because he decides to. Even if you ban him from seeing this woman and set fire to his golf clubs he’ll still have an affair sooner or later because the reasons that were driving it (lack of satisfaction in your marriage, him not feeling he has enough to lose in your marriage to not have an affair, built up resentment, built up boredom, him being a shit) will still be there. I would tackle those points rather than the golf.

In fact, you should be careful as banning someone from doing a hobby which is clearly important to him (and I’m sure in his mind completely innocent) is just the sort of thing that leads to those negative feelings building up in a marriage.

If you’re uncomfortable now even if it never gets physical then I would suggest trying to change the dynamic rather than stop it. Express interest in his hobby. Go to the golf club as a social member. Suggest you two partake in a shared hobby. Invite this woman to dinner, make he your friend (or at least clear to everyone that you’re watching her and not oblivious).

Good luck. Tread carefully, as this could backfire.

Tbh with you I would feel uncomfortable about it too as much as I would like to say I would be fine with it. I do trust my OH but it would still get to me. My advice would be maybe to speak to your OH and let him know you are feeling a little insecure about it? From his reaction then maybe you might be able to gage if there is anything else to their relationship other than a friendship. Follow your gut, it's usually right!

How amazing that both his hobbies are twice a week for 2 hours and both are with attractive ladies.

@Afternoonlemonandhoney My two best friends are male, one is married, the other has a long term girlfriend and both have children.

I am not physically attracted to either of my friends, we spend a lot of time together and when not together we message on WhatsApp a lot but there is nothing going on beyond friendship.

We go drinking, we go for food, we go to the cinema, we do "experience" days etc, we have really good banter and they mean the world to me and I think I do to them as well. I would be genuinely heartbroken if either ever said his other half did not want him seeing/speaking to me again.

I think if you are worried about your husband's friendship, then that is an insecurity that stems from somewhere and perhaps you need to speak to him without laying down rules. Is it fair that your insecurity should deprive him of a friendship/hobby?

Unless there is a backstory here and his husband has "form", I think you are paying both him and her a disservice by assuming there is more to it. Women don't fancy every man they know, is it not possible she just likes him as a friend? Boundaries are important and if you feel boundaries have been crossed then you absolutely should speak to your husband.

I wish you all the best, good luck.

OP, you seem to only be picking up on the responses that support your view... and you haven’t answered some of the questions that would help add more context to your situation. Such as:
Do they message each other a lot?
Do they meet up outside of the shared hobby?
And if so, are you ever invited?

You say you want to draw the line at then meeting up, but it’s not clear if that’s a hypothetical situation or if they already are and it’s making you uncomfortable?

Thats a lot of dates you go on with men youre not in a relationship with @WagtailRobin Good job their partners can look after the kids while you do all the fun stuff with their husbands

What I think people never acknowledge on these threads is that attraction can grow. I have known several men in my past that on first meeting, I wasn't the least bit attracted to. But as our friendship grew, so did the attraction. I'm pretty sure I'm not unusual in this!

For that reason, I think there's a big difference between established friendships and new ones. If I was with someone that had a female friend they'd been friends with for years. Not an issue. If they make a new female friend that they suddenly start messaging all the time, want to go out for dinner alone together etc. Then yes, I'm going to have an issue with that. I don't care how that makes me seem.

Golf is weird. I think more men tend to play, so if you're a woman... unless you go and actively seek out other women, you will be playing with a man.

I have a hobby that is very male-dominated: shooting. Honestly, I can go to a shooting ground and be the only woman there, so I'm not surprised your husband's friend is partnering up with a guy. Luckily, my husband shoots, too, so we go together... but I have also sought out other women who shoot to make it less awkward, if I wanted to go with someone else.

I have a colleague who's into golf and she plays with other men. Never thought about it from the perspective of the woman staying home though...

Also: the reason I actively sought out other women to go with is that I know attraction can grow between 'friends' especially if you share the same interests. Although the chances of that ever happening to me is so ridiculously small because unless they are well-mannered, kind and look like the most gorgeous man on Earth or something (that combination is hard to find even if the hobby is excluded from the package), nothing will ever happen.